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*Forever Free*

Through the browns of her eyes, she sees wonders

The Tales from Thot-hood

“I love you”

That’s what they all say….that’s what they have all said. Every. Last. One. Of. Them. And not to say, it makes me feel good. Another part of me wants to scream. Gouge my eyes and the very essence that these lovers have with me. Flattery can only go so far before you start to reconsider your self worth. This new one has particularly thrown a curve ball of some sort. Now, love itself is a never ending game of ups and downs, twist and turns but this particular method of ride was foreign. 

I promise…

Another meaningless thing, yet has me reconsidering possibilities of potential happiness. A everlasting forever type of effect that has my logic clouded. Like a child,waiting for her father to return from war, the very anticipation of the future is in view. You dont feel like you’re the only “old maid” because of all of your friends are taking the next steps of life with matrony and motherhood. Now, you, your self, just want a taste of that thrill. Or projected excitement of adulthood. 

I, however, linger in the rhlem of one night thrills and orgasms. Empty promises whispered into the night while he thrust himself into me. Conforming in positions and exploration of the sexual jungle in which I am a prowless. A lust predator, waiting for the next soul for me to ravish; leaving nothing but memories while I stay starved. Parshed and anticipating the next. Having the option of which lover to devour. 

Promise…promise…promise…

 If echoed on a continuous repeat, it drives you mad. Clawing at the very inside that leaves you inhibitions to the wind. Manifesting to this idea of that the very possibility of a relationship is ablicable. Whereas, in reality, it is not. It can never be. A lion does not curl up with its carcass after a meal. In order for one to have the mentality such as this, it causes disconsern. Questioning whether its delusion or actuality. The very thing I keep out is the very thing that I want,in? It leaves the very sour taste in my mouth that gargle  can’t erase the fact that I had told myself what it is, numerous times. To question the obvious is stupidity. 

“I love you”…

Yeah, I know…as much as I try to convince myself.

” I love you “

Sure…only moments of time does that very feeling ignite…or a imitation of lust in which can’t be despihered during sex. Panting…wincing…crying out in sheer bliss. The fire that continues to dance on each nerve ending with ever touch… Caress. To say I do not love that would be a lie within itself, but the truth is much more painful…much more darker than the beautiful lie. Dwell in the falsehood that seconds create only leavesthe want more. To take the very nature that drives desire and become a succubus. With a sheer glance, the engery is overwhelming. Confusing that with the emotion of love, leaves the devilish side in which the act of sex has become.

I love you”

“I promised I’ll be loyal to you”

“I wanna show you how much you mean to me”

“I have fallen in love”

“You my girl?”

Yeah…I know.

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The secrets she keeps…

The secrets she keeps….close to her…creates an understow…slowly…drowning her…but alas…there is her air…her black air…she inhales…leaves her disoriented…her not telling from what is real and what is fake…what her heart could possibly take…if its nothing….nothing but pain. 

The secrets she keeps locked away…thrown into the sea…never to be heard from again…she bury it deep…into the sealife to engluf…though it spits it out…when there is nothing left for her to piece together…whether its faith or hope…it weighs on her…like concrete.

The secrete she keeps…keeps her away from the cold grips of loneliness. She hold on to longing…long enough for it to numb her logic…she desire it…she craves it…it caves in on her…

The secret she keeps chains and binds her…blinds her from the truth. That she could…be more than her past…that the key to release is acceptance. Love can enter her, belief awakens her….to be great. To love her. To believe In her.

The secrets she keeps…keeps her awake a night…send tears down her eyes…breaks away at her spirit…piece by piece…her porcelain chips away. A shell..of…nothing.

Darkness in the secrets that she keeps. Unable to reach the light. Running away… Just to stay…still.  

Isolation

Hey Folks,

I know, I KNOW it’s been a while since I had blogged anything and personally, i haven’t felt the need to blog or write even. Either way, I have found some sort of energy to free-write what’s been on my head, heart and everywhere in between. The last two weeks, I have revelations after revelations that has shaped my life; possibly for the better, maybe for the worst, either way a change has a occurred. That’s is what life calls for right? Everything in constant change, and either rely on human reaction, blame the adrenaline gland, however you cut it, Change is inevitable.

So…For your reading pleasure, or if that’s what we wanna call it…you’ll be the judge.

Darkness…

Not the type that most people would bask in, fall asleep or even get excited over. Nyctophilas running rapid in this…Darkness. You either face your demons or fall into silence that comes with darkness. Not me. Like a child, where is the nightlight, I had asked myself over and over, being in cell.

That’s all I can recall that night. I had temporarily left my conscience and was unable to regain it back. Which apparently was extremely crucial with everything that was going on.

Within the darkness, I remember heat, feeling it on my face, throughout my body. Ragging. However, That feeling was NOT me. I had made, or so i thought, I had gotten it under control when I left school and enter the real world. Or what is considered, REAL world.

Scenes flash in front of my watery eyes. Broken glass. Yelling. Light, flashing lights of the “fine” officers in town in a place that I once called home. Within hours, I was displaced, disgraced and alone. Alone in a cold cell, wrapped in a green suit in a corner; confused and alone. How did i get here? What happened? What. The. HELL. Happened? I wasn’t supposed to be here. I worked, went to school, stayed out of the trouble channels for this not to happen and yet, the first 2 weeks of the new year, I’m in isolation. Of myself. Of the world.

Facing the possibilities of what my outcome could be if i didn’t conquer my anger. Terminate my hatred. Remove negative behaviors, I was left with the question of “Will it happen again. What IF it happened again?” Recapping times in my youth where anger caused me to blackout. Should i have been grateful at those times? I wish I could have said yes, however, i didn’t. It only created more worry, or doubt. The chaous trails with me, waiting for it not to. Bipolar could care less. Mania sit and waits for that feeling to come again.

Two WHOLE days did i sit and waited for my fate of the Judicial system, only knowing the obvious outcome. A struggling mental health patient, who works a make-ends meet job who happens to be on the low-minority end of the spectrum. I sat….thought and sat…planned and sat…marinated on the hope that the Lord God had given me and Faith that Christ reintroduced to me. These men, reminded me of my life that I can most certainly have, a great one. The enemy only tried to test it out.

I’m not out of the woods, simply knowing that the impending months are still unknown. The channels, however, have given my plan of stability a purpose. Given me a will to live. To tackle this craziness that the year started with, and to end it, giving grace to GOD. The road is long, Bipolar making the roads bumpy or windy; yet, i let it go to God and say, “Heavenly Father, Take the wheel. Jesus, Take the wheel!”

Untill next time…

Jay

 

 

 

Losing…all…of…It…

Hey folks,

So today, like many days, started….well…a bit off. My gf and I had a talk about what was currently going on in our relationship, and the concerns that I had with regards to it. In the past month, a lot had happened between us in our own individual lives and, looking at it, we haven’t gotten back to us. We have been both stressed out and it looks like we don’t have anywhere to turn with regards to having someone to talk to….We only have each other, and some of things that we want to talk to others about, we haven’t gotten to. Me, it’s solely because I’m vulnerable. Or maybe because I don’t know how to handle anything or everything that is currently happening in my life. Probably the same for my girl, maybe worst, however, trying to cohabitate and be a couple has falling way back on the right burner.

She had told me that I needed to look for work to help out with the house. Now, ladies and Gentleman, it’s not like I haven’t been looking. I have, in the area in which I could only hope will allow me to progress in the career, however no avail. So now, I am going to means of getting a job that teenagers and young adults should be getting. Now, it’s not pride, AT ALL, since I have done these jobs for years, it’s the fact that I know that this is only job that will hire me. That is depressing. Extremely depressing. I don’t know what I can do to make myself marketable when there is so many things, in my head, that will prevent me from doing the best job I can. I have shown up to work in tears because I can’t believe that I am where I may have been. I am mad because I have to work with publics that will constantly judge me. I know, you can’t please everyone, I am supposed to suck it up and go with it. I can’t. Myself won’t allow the constant disrespect that companies have for employees. I can’t smile in people face when they are being downright rude. I have no filter and at times, it gets me into hot water.Who knows what emotion will i feel at the time of work. BUT, my girlfriend doesn’t understand that, she needs me to help. I want to.

At times, it makes me mad since orginally when we started, i felt that I was going to be well taken care of. That I wouldn’t have to worry about anything but that, over time, had changed. We decided to conhabitate. We decided to move to Washington, since ultimately, that’s her job that is located up here. Not me. I would had rather stayed in the city. If it wasn’t so dangerous or that I had made it so.

Now, News of my health had shaken our relationship and she had changed. Which isn’t good for me. I need consistency. I need strength of someone who will be able to give me strength. She hasn’t given me that feeling. She changed. I didn’t want that. I wanted what are WE going to do now?

It’s apparent that we are at a rocky road, I, however, been here before. Questioning the reasons to keep going with this relationship with her. I am not a quitter. I love her. Yet, I need emotional support and she checked out. What am I supposed to do?

Back to looking for work….I am. In places, in which I know will possibly get me a interview. and maybe a job. Yet, Who knows how long I will be at that place before I get myself fired or I quit.

Over and out

Jay

You Can Only Try Right!?

Hey folks,

A lot has transpired in the last month. A lot of reason for me to write and also reason in which the motivation to is not there. Crazy things have happened, and in my mind, i can’t wrap my head around it. The world has now become much more bleaker than the years ago. Why? Because Politics and Religion is what anyone and everyone wants to talk about. Or the fact that my own personal life is in shambles and the trying to find the root of it is simple. I am lost. Yet again. Lost in my own thoughts, enabling me to actually venture out and see what is actually in my town of Lynnwood or even Washington State. I don’t have friends that I can call upon to come to my house and hangout. I am having a very hard time being around my girlfriend, solely since she is in my space and not. She’s here and she not here. I wish i could make sense of it all…but what the one thing that i would to happen is that she will become present. Be active in our relationship instead of being comfortable in where we are. Yes, we have a home. Yes we have everything that we could need but what I need and what she giving is COMPLETELY different.

I had gotten some what i call “Life-Alternating” news, one that changes my perspective about consequences and what can happen when you think that you are invincible. Life has a way of telling you, “Girl, please.” I cried and screamed. Mad at God. The human emotion of hurt and worry. Yet, as my girlfriend for almost a year, she had completely checked out. It’s as though everything around her takes precedence(which work and family does) however, my problems seems like a blimp on the wall. It’s irritating. Frustrating. Making me lose my mind. Making me question what it would be like if we weren’t we. I would like to think that i could handle it, however, I can’t. She’s the other half to my whole. The logic voice in my chaotic world. The reason that I am actually giving a damn about my health instead of chalking it up, allowing it to take course and whatever happens, happens.

That’s not at all my attitude. My attitude it to be better. Be a better me. a better title that i was born with and acquired through the years. Yet, she isn’t giving me that chance to be better. Predicting already the worst outcome, excusing the efforts in which i am trying (I quit cigarettes and trying to stay committed to the plan…hella hard). Giving me a pessimistic view on everything (what the point?). I would like to continue to believe in the whole “better me” routine will eventually stick however, it’s not happening. And the one person in my corner is flipping the script and taking time in and out. I’m losing it…

The one thing I can say for her is that she managed to get my to the library when I don’t want to go myself. However, she irks me. She makes me want to smoke a cigarette. But I love her. Love the hell out of her. Trying to have that feeling of being with out her carry me, however, how far will be it until I, too, check out of everything, including us?

Over and out,

Jay

Tuesday’s Gone… With The Wind

Hey folks,

Today couldn’t have started off extremely…i guess you can say Off only because right now, i can’t find a better word to describe it. It started yesturday with the heated debate of the current politics and the Media’s influences on popular opinion. With me and girlfriend and what I can say is this… that the following situation conclusion resulted to the awkwardness of this morning. Quite possibly earlier than that but this morning is when I actually noticed.

The discussion started with the HIV virus and how it got into the United States. Many theories as to how have been across the board as history has shown. Now being taught biology, I knew how however, I like to play Devils Advocate. Well, My girl proceeded to tell me how, debating that it wasn’t a disease that was made in the laboratory somewhere that the government funds. (Disclaimer: I wasn’t necessarily in the right state of mind, when it came to emotions however her being extremely “hype”,translated to her screaming at me, in which my emotion of anger came to the forefront). Later going to the grocery store, we had to get items for dinner, which her very presents irritated me. Now, that’s not wasn’t the tip of the iceberg…

The tip of the iceberg was the talk of politics. Her belief that Donald-Fucking-Trump is going to be the next president. Since he had his face on Time Magazine.

“Every president runner has been on the cover of TIME.”

“I don’t think so. If the Minority vote is the Majority and minority vote meaning people middle low-class, and lately people of color, He’s not going to be president.”

That statement alone, open a wormhole of race conversation. Now, I don’t like politics since my personal belief is that it’s a corrupted well-oiled machine that is meant to keep the rich, richer and the poor, poorer. However, I voiced that if Trump was to go to office, I’d start thinking about relocating since America would be going through years of unfairness with no positive end in sight. Along with that, people in power will just go…power crazy. That scares me.

There was a time that I saw people as who they were…people. Now, with Media mainstreaming everything possibly wrong that is occurring right now, it’s as though now the world is Black and White. That the fight for justice and equality isn’t something that was fought for in the 60’s. I have been around various array of people and that at a time; it gave me solace. Now, I’m scared of everyone around me. Not sure where people minds are and seeing that we as Americans are constantly in front of the TV, on our devices, I am scared that “tolerance and acceptance” is being erased completely. I seek to find people who are like-minded in the fight. However, everywhere around me, I see judgement. I feel it in my bones. I can’t even walk down the street without averting my eyes down.

I have lost security in the country that i was born in…or so I feel that I have. I don’t believe that every person is out to hurt me. Not every white person is passing judgement or is a racist. Why? I was raised in a multicultural bubble, one that didn’t see difference but acceptance. My best friends are White, or Hispanic, Or Black. That’s the way that I like it. Yet, my mind reverts to my white friends, asking “Are they friends with me because I am the “token black girl?” “What part of the argument are they REALLY on?” Call it paranoia, call it doubt,yet that question comes in waves. Passing…making me wonder or change my overall mood. In yesterdays case, changed me my WHOLE damn mood. When voicing how i was feeling, my girlfriend looked and acted that I had 3 heads and spat out green sludge with every word I had said.

“I don’t see people like that and that’s where we are going to end the conversation.”

Um, no! Now, I don’t know if i was egging her on, or my inquiry was getting the best of me, trying to understand how she couldn’t see, as a colored lesbian woman see the possible fear. That same thought followed us up into the apartment and continued. I kept asking questions, in disbelief of some of her thoughts…

“You’re head can’t be that far up in the clouds for you not to be scared.”

“I’m not. As long as it doesn’t affect me or come to my doorstep than I have nothing to worry about.”

I wish I had her mindset yet, I didn’t….I was/am scared for the future of my country. Putting faith in my counterparts never played out in a positive way. Who was I supposed to trust with my safety, my government? When they are gunning down innocent people? Or simply don’t like me simply because of something I had no control over.

What it boils down to or what my girlfriend believes is that I should live life and that I am in an area that doesn’t “have that problem” How does she know that? She works at a job where the amount of people of color is a small percentage.

“Live life and be good. That’s what I’m doing” she said

That approach tilted my anger to the point that i went into our small living room and I vegged. Trying to calm down my nerves because she had managed to ignited every last one of them. Further interfering with my “routine” with putting groceries away and start groceries. This woman was short of being thrown out the window. Later feeding, smoking and ended with her going to bed while I watched the Gambler. Steamed.

It was an awkward morning when she had woke up. Starting with “I’m working late tonight. Don’t cook dinner for me.” Noting the energy of “Fuck you, fuck you and later fuck you some more”, I followed with childish rhetoric. Some truth to it (I have no idea what to make), however, but I exert the same “fuck you too, asshole” right back. She did give me a soft kiss before heading out to work but in all, we are still mad. Not sure at each other. I can say for myself, I’m mad because I don’t understand her logic. These carefree breeze of a walk through of life attitude she has. Though I do envy that so much about her, since I am the one who mind constantly wanders and worries, I just didn’t’ see…how…with everything that has happened this year….and I still don’t.

Over and Out

Jay

Grr.

Hey folks,

Today…eh…I am feeling unmotivated. Yet,I am pushing. With little effort. Which frustrates me. My arms are sore. I am not as flexible as I had thought that doing poses, makes me fusturated. I did a small routine,possibly 8 mins. But I not anymore calmer or in a positive mindset. The weather has been back and forth with rain and sun. So I’m opted Day 2 of running till tomorrow.

Its a short entry but I keeps me updated on what my mind is feeling and it officially shut down.

Jay

Day One of Change

Hey folks,

This entry is for anyone actually however it’s a mental starting mark for me to change.  Change my thoughts,feelings and actions. Meeting goals that I want to achieve so I can look back and be proud of how far I have came. With that said,there will be two entries, so…

September 1st:
I got up at 6 with my hunny, got her ready for work. Washed dishes and made coffee. Got a little morning delight. Smoked a bowl. Turned on the tv. Then went into yoga. For 20 mind tentively. Meditated for 9 mins and 58 seconds when the goal is 10. All my thoughts we’re about plans today, mentioning my weeks mantra “I can do this”(meaning I can change. I can take it slow. I can achieve anything I put my mind to it. I can push past the negative. I can do this,for a better,longer life for me and my future family). Talked to God, thanking him for everything he’s done. Praying that he gives me strength on this new and scary journey. Thank you father! And now recapping the beginning of the morning. Through writing.

Plans for today…work out…library… and laundry. Another session of yoga/meditation tonight.

End for now…8:04am

Evening:
Went running, did laundry, and a night yoga before the hunny came home.

Marriage is a Joke!

Hello folks,

Today is hard solely because I’m supposed to be quitting smoking (cigarettes ) and then going onto social media, being in the house all day(on my own accord), I am losing it.

My ex-gf moments ago put up a new engagement and I wanted to barf. Now, I’m not at all jealous. I mean, why should I be? I am happy in my own relationship. What baffles me is that she just reconnected and rekindled their relationship a week prior to me flying down to Pa this past July. To now claim to marry her?!What the hell?

Now,I had been telling her to take her time and slow down. Nope. Nope. Nope. The very same advice, she let fall on deaf ears. Why again,I ask would you get on board with marriage when you just left the girl in the cold. Further,encourage her to see past her girls exterior and yet,nothing.

Marriage now,I feel is a joke. Everyone and anyone can take the sanctity of marriage,define it themselves (no matter how wrong) and bam, bring on the rice. Ugh!

I swear today couldn’t make me feel like I’m either going crazy or madness. Mad at everything for no reason. I want to continue to pinch holes into her relationship but hell, it’s her life. Shall I watch this inevitable trainwreak that will later lead down that divorce trail? Why can people take those things like getting hitch serious.

Thinking maybe it’s me, my feelings of treading along while others are running by. Why,why,uggghhhh why? I wish I didn’t compare everything to my life but it happens.

Jay

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