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*Forever Free*

Through the browns of her eyes, she sees wonders

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Let’s Play Pretend

Let’s just say that this time, this moment,  you are my man. My signifact other. The one that i have decided to do the forever thing with.

Let’s pretend that factors don’t exist. That precousors don’t matter. Let’s pretend that our coexisitance does. That our coupling was written in the stairs with every possiblity imaginable.

Yes, let’s play the old game of pretend. Dream of endless scenarios in which starrs you and I. Imagining out hands entwined with on nother. Walking down the street,  laughing, joylously. That the illusion of time doesn’t exist while we stare deep into each others eyes. Getting lost in enternity of memories created in love.

Hopelessly so,  I pretend.

I pretend that the days spent with him will lead to more days, countering into years. I pretend that how we intially started the converstation didnt start with ugly grunts and cardnial desires. I pretend that he and I shared a coffee which lead to now spending time with hom and his home.

I pretend that the fact he copulated long before he met me,  doesnt bother me. That he forever has ties to a woman that couldnt have ended after that night. I pretend that he still is married doesnt bother me. Doesn’t sadden me when thinking that in my persuits of happiness,  that i’ll never be the first,  or even his first.

I pretend that his lack of willingness of sex is the very thing my body desires. That my exessive need for pleasure is not as pressing as needing a warm body. That the lack or orgasms doesnt drive me insane and the spoonful given does suffice. 

ALL these things, I pretend that this is real life. That this is what I want. All the while, my insides scream,  claw ravously,  breaking away a shell of who I am.

Stop! Is this growth?

So while walking home from my dads, i had taken a few moments to realize a few things and one being the affection from men and how…i dont miss it.

Now, the act of sex, sure the desire is strong however the act of going out and doing acts like texting for booty..hasn’t pressed me. Not sure how that came about but my urge to text the two who I am actively seeing, is not there. The activeness is no longer. 

Have I gotten bored?!Yes, bored of calling and no answers. Yes,bored of one ended converstations, that the ultimate topic is sex. Constantly reminding me of past experiences and when the reliving will begin, i have no desire to. I realize that I am good at my craft however,thats not me. That’s not who I am. All women have yonies so why am I any diffrent? Everyone has an mouth…an ass, so why is mine any different. 

I believe I have grown tired of cardinal affairs. Though, I desire, crave, lust after orgasms, just…not…with…them. They are tired. I desire something new.

That goes for all my past lovers. At times,I reminise about days and nights of lust engagements I had participated in. The moans and raw images forever play on my minds reel. A many part series,I catch myself remenbering. Yet those memories are just that…no need to replay or recreate them again for the risk of my own sanity. So i don’t reach out, go on Facebook and message them; proclaiming enternal love and adoration I have for them. Lies just to feel some amount of sexual want from them. It is just…not…there. 

I deserve something withstand, something long lasting after the lust disapates. That the cloud of new love lifts and that there is me standing, in raw form, awaiting for the ONE who can handle me.

Remorse is painful

I woke up sad…i woke up broken. I woke up to a crack in the very nature of my heart, reopening the wound to just exaserbate it. Pulling off the bandaid to the wound not fully healed. 

I had done things to get over the breakup…suturing others to mold itself to what I want to come. A better me, a more understanding sense of self so that next person would apperciate me more. Love me deeper. Like me infinate. But i didnt allow her to heal. To take  step back and evvaulate the mistakes and take responsiblity for the damage…yet she doesnt. Her eyes are blinded by rage. Her mind is caged in a box of angish and hurt. I admit…i’m the reason. Yet,I acknowledge my human error and in efforts of correcting it.

She didnt hear me through those text of spewed fustration. She didnt read my remorse. I have been so tired of carrying the obvious, in EVERY relationship, whether it was her or my ex best friend. I have swallowed the bitter pill and its effects have subsided. Her or theres have a last effect. Lingering internally whereas, I have convinced myself that it had passed. Yet her words echo like cathdreal bells. Shaking me at the very core of my spirit. 

It’s dead…remorse nowhere in sight. The page never end beautifully, gracefully concluding a dissolved love. Yet, what could you possibly say? You didnt convice yourself that she’d willing to? The light,like many had blown out. Nothing left of cinders of memories. You want to live those moments again but…into the sky they shimmer…You tried. Thats what any perseon could ask of you. You swallow that pride just to save face. A confident front but inside, you are grasphing for life,anew.

Repentence for the Weary

Hey Steph,

I know that it’s been a while since we last spoke and it was on really bad terms however, it’s a new year and I wanted to get everything off my chest since it’s been so long and it has been eating away for months. Maybe this is therapy, maybe a rant however either way you can continue to read on or delete the message. 

I am DEEPLY, IMMENSELY sorry for how our relationship ended. So many times, i had gone back and forth, up and down in asking HOW? How did we get to the points that we did? How did it all end? Immaturity. I was immature in the way of thinking and doing that it had unraveled the very relationship that I had wanted for so long. You had always said that you were a knight in shiny armor and I took it literally. You saved me NUMEROUS times which is true but the fact remained, you AREN’T A KNIGHT, you are woman like everyone else and you had the same emotions that everyone has. I was selfish in thinking that you didn’t. I had an image in my mind that i could mold you into someone and in reality, I couldn’t nor can’t. Steph, you are just ONE person and for me to have expected something different was wrong. I should have never tried to change you or even fallen mad when you didn’t.

I want to be angry with you. For leaving me when I couldn’t understand myself. For learning that I was positive and completely changed on me. I want to be so angry with you for simply…stopping however I understand now. I was angry at myself, for being carefree and that it was/is my responsibility to learn myself and what my life will be for now on. Knowing I am Bipolar Again, I should have never expected you were up for it, we should of have had a lot of sit downs and talks instead of covering it up or me acting erratically. I am SORRY for putting literally all of my shit on you and expect you to sort through it.

Stephanie, I look back on our short time and though some were the most memorable and amazing, more memories were for a lack of a better word “icky”. I know the list of things are endless but the one thing that I can say now is that I NEVER wanted you to fall out of love for me, hate me,be scared of me, be disgusted with me since you had shown the complete opposite on numerous occasions, since the very beginning. You had been my saving grace but grace can only go so far. You didn’t deserve ANY of the shit I had put you through or shit, period. You are a remarkable woman and I took completely advantage of it. I wish I was able to have understood you more then, than, in the time that I have been away. I understand EVERYTHING that you had done and I have forgiven you. Kinda of weird to say forgiven when a part of me feels that you don’t need forgiven and in cases, you don’t.

This is NOT an attempt to get back with you at all since I believe that bridge is burnt(I apologize for that metaphorically/ possibly literally). I wanted to just release everything that has been inside me for the last 7 months. I don’t want to keep holding on to anger or frustration that the relationship was, I want to let it go. Which I have, however, to fully come to peace, I need to make amends. And to the woman who took my heart long ago, you are the biggest one I want to make amends with. Not for personal gain but just because you deserve hearing repentance from me and Lord God,I repent. 

In all, Steph, From the bottom of my heart, I hope that you are happy doing everything you wanted. I wish you nothing but success, happiness and especially love in 2017. You are deeply missed and from now till forever, you will always have my heart. No matter where I go, what I do, who I’m with, I will never meet or love another YOU and I am so OK with that. Happy New Year!

Much love,
Jackie

***************

So I was not going to respond to this email but I want you to know that I do not except your apology. I have moved passed you and all you have done to me. But I need you to know: You hurt me in ways that no one has ever hurt me. Through everything I tried to stay with you and be there for you be kept being pushed away. Then for you to put your hands on me and burn the fuck out of me with the cigarette? I did not show the pain and hurt and fear that I had that night because that is what you wanted. I did not and would not have EVER put my hands on you in anger and you knew that I would never do that and that would be the one thing that I would not stand for. I went through SO much mental abuse from you but I kept dealing with it because I knew you were a good person and only wanted someone to love you and be there for you and not leave you. I gave you all of that. All I wanted was some support as well, since you know my gf was supposed to be there for me since my dad was so sick in the hospital for month.  I had to deal with that to but ya know you were walking around and bitching just fine so I chose to prioritize my family ahead of you. I would have given you the world whatever you wanted in time. But you wanted everything right now like yesterday and got mad when I had other responsibility like working to keep a roof over your head. Please don’t get this twisted I DO NOT LOVE OR HAVE LOVE for you anymore. You could fall of the earth and I would not even notice or if someone told me I would be like “damn that sucks” and go about my day. After you I was completely broken. I needed the help of people who did not even know that well to get over it. Lynn flew back here to pick the pieces of me there were left in your aftermath. But I guess I can thank you for if it were not for you…I would not have found my family up here. It is one year from when I sent you to jail. I should not have fought so hard to get you out and get the charges reduced. I should have let you rot in there and let them take away any possibility of you getting to be a councilor, but I did what I did so you could have some kind of career.   
Now that I got that off my chest. I will say that I’m glad that you see that you did fuck up and are dealing with the issues. I wish you the best in life and hope you find the same joy with another person that I have.
Again I have to thank you, if not for you tearing me down multiple time I would not have found the love of my life because I would not have known that love is supposed to EASY and my home is supposed to be my castle.   I am getting married to a sexy, wonderful, successful, non dramatic, funny, amazing, smart, beautiful, WOMAN. She is the definition of royalty, which is why she is my true Queen.  

Have a nice life

Steph 

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PS you can think Misha for you actually getting in a box the rest of your stuff went to the Goodwill

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***”””””**********

Congrats of your future numptuals.

Send my regards to Misha.

Again, I apologize for the interuptions.

Best Wishes✌

A Real converstation…an Email sent back from one scorned lover to a deeply scorned lover. The intial shocked caused a rippled effect through my body .There was a time where love and affection eveloped the two lover…And now…The hatred snake sthiters through every word. Hatred through every sentence. The love was gone, no traces of renewal and in the end, did she want it. No, the damaged was done however the magntude surpassed volcanic erupting. The world had split in half and the idea of concrete and suspention of both half is never happening. What kills her the most? She has no idea, the hate she repsonds blinds her sorrowful eyes. She was sorry, hate herself for hurting her, just want peace,BUT IT WASNT HAPPENING. ITS NEVER GONNA HAPPEN.Who know the extent? Who knew the damage? You, yourself couldnt imagine it, a monster, a creature that you would recognize today. You wanna say you grew up, but you read it again. Phrases again…and again…and again…no remorse. No hope of forgiveness. Added more wound…the lover moved on…settled down. Married? Another Queen? Have they gone mad? Yet, you go back to reading over and over and over again. Is this Alice’s Madhouse? The lover stops. Cold in its spot. You wanna flip back pages and see that there was others paths. Yeah those roads were never traveled, never ventured for cowardess reasons. Now you are left with a stale,sour feeling and even more bitter pain, ones left never prepared. 

Take ahold…Of What?!

“Take ahold of your life.”

Again…what? How can I define what my life is in order to take ahold, or control of of it? Constantly bombarded with images and memes of people “taking a hold of their lives”, yet i can’t even answer the simple question of ” what is life? My life and when do I take control of it or moreso…how?

It’s easy to picture what an ideal life would be. For me, however,I have a hard time to develop what my ideal life can or should be. Too many distractions. Too many factors I take in account which later changes to what people may think as being “excuses.”

“You wanna do yoga but you need to take classes and classes cost money.”

“You wanna get back to being active, running and whatnot but you wanna have a menbership somewhere for that to actually happen.”

“You wanna write but you dont have the latest in technology or even the technology part to actually do something as far ACTUALLY sitting down and…write.”

I find these “interupptions” in thinking as a continuous thing. A cycle that doesnt stop. Thanking the contributions that Bipolar has given to me. In addition to a sense of falsehood on beliving that routine is key, the excitement of it all derays me from reality. That excitement only last a short time. Limits actually exist. And I have set ceilings on those very limits in which hinders anything from beginning and continuing.

Take for example, quitting cigerettes…five days in and of course…a struggle. I have a headache, i am irriable, i wanna go..crazy however it hasnt happen. I had done the research, holistic methods, asked questions but still…I have a cigerette somewhere or will obtain one in the near future. So much for cold turkey.

Why is that? Why haven’t I gotten ahold of the will-power to just…stop?Is it stubbornness? Is it the mind games that addiction plays? Is it the physical craving? 

How take ahold of ANYTHING when I cant get a hold of something as big as a habit?  How can I take control of “life” when I. Do. Not. Know. How. To. Have. Control. 

I reflect on the last four days of the New Year and the one thing I have yet to define is life. I understand that “life is what you make it” however I look at it like a horse…a wild horse…a wild horse thay wants a Stable but they see food and water one horizion, an apple tree on the other and three blind mice walking into oblivion. 

It dawns on me that I may need to define Life. Until then, I will continue to be exposed to the endless chances-on-life, push-forward, change-your-way-of-thinking and hate it every..single…minute…of..it. 

I KNOW! I FUCKING KNOW!

2017 Just Started…

Happy New Year and Hello 28…jesus, the time has truly gone. People I grew up with are now having families, starting famlies and here I am..28, single-ish(long explaination), no kids and Here. I. Am. 

I have beating myself up comparing EVERYONE that I had gone to school and college with. To the point that the race towards “success” had haulted. I cant even define what success is. Is it accomplishing the very model that the Us has branded in every woman sincw the beginning. To multiply? 

The fact of time and the enivornment that surrounds me has made me question. I was going to be a mom sometime this year(March 25th, 2017) however I had made the choice, whether sound or poorly thought out, to postpone that life-changing phase of my life till I was for CERTAIN I was ready to engage. Yet, the question still remains, “Was that phase a phase that I was have demostarted success?”

My main focus of 2017, is to find and obtain security. Security as a woman, a POC woman, finacially secure( lets face it, a single woman living with her sister dysfuction is NOT ideal living)…Yet I keep scooting…then stop. Scoot and stop.

Sitting down with a cold clinician, made me realize that the experience that i have had thus far had landed me in that office seat, recapping my ailments. Memories flood back as I speak of suicide attempts or experimentation with psych. drugs.

Its only the 4th day of new year and I feel aprehention building. Its difficult to shove that thought down. Trying to allow fearlessness and perserverence to break through yet, its a never ending, extremely tiredsome battle to go through. 

Heading to a job that I cant shake the feeling of anguish or dispair. I achingly long for a 9-5 where I enjoy going to work, actually make a difference in someone life with the knowledge ive gained and the experiences that has molded be. 

2017, I am on my knees, please show me a sign that my success is on the horizon.

When You See The World For The Bullshit It has…You began To Plan…

The title speaks for itself. Its about that time of year she  I stop and reevaluate the year but this year is different. I convince myself that it will be different.

I start by saying what do I not want to bring or do the same dumb shit which include messing with or even dating men/women who aren’t going to benefit me. Which further means, that boy that I’ve convinced myself for the past 15 years that I loved. Only loves what most men fall for…the yoni. That a man that I have known for a short time, doesn’t love me in any way…that he,like my ex, are in love with my sex. To have had practice, why am I not surprise? Yes, a great quality but not one that deserves to be disrespected, lied to or played with. Those things I need to do away with…

I am writing  this for my own convincing,my own reasoning, to better MYSELF. To put it on a public forum (its only as public as the people who happen to stumble across my blog). 

So, now…to break down the goals that I will reach, to achieve the main goal; to live and reccreate myself in an image that I want in the years to come.

Start with my physical self:

  1. In 2017, I will…stop smoking cigarettes. Why? Simply because its a gross habit. I want to elongate my life as many years as I possibly can, I want to be around for my grandkids. Now weed, I will only stop to get a better….an entry level job since my goals of being financially secure and comfortable is what I want to achieve. However, once that comes to fluention, weed will be used as my aid for my anxiety,depression and simply my mental health.. Again, another goal.
  2. I will work out…let’s face it, you aren’t getting any younger and I have been wanting to get fit since college. Not being worried about my weight, I will work put for the sake of my mental health. I will do yoga and running. Yoga has so many benefitting properties, one being that it makes meditation easier. Running, because… Well,that’s what you’ve been doing(metaphorically spelling), why not reap the health benefits…again, a longer life.
  3. I will stick to my fish, Turkey diet. Personally, red doesn’t appeal to me and knowing what sausage its alone makes someone want to barf.

 Now…my favorite(ugh) Mental…

  1. I will meditate. I was getting somewhere in Seattle and in Ashland. I want to create my place of peace. Bring that place to life in my head and simply… stay. Along with it creating a space in which I am clear headed, it would help with my already harbor and deepest feelings. With being a routine, I can go far with thinking, creating the very energy to the universe to have it work in my favor.
  2. I will read more…expand my mind with topics that interest me. Current event have left a sense of lostness and not knowing who I am, won’t allow me to become successful. Topics like psychology, spirituality, philosophy creates a positive world with no pressure from the outside.
  3. I will write more…even if its a page a day. The same with reading, even if it’s 10 pages, I will start somewhere. I want to write a book and I have done so before. Writers have started with a idea. Now, doing this or writing here and there is only a sign that my inner self wants to come out. Writing has always been fun and therapeutic. I won’t worry what people thing…I have done that for far too long. People have skeletons in their closet and well…I can creatively write mine. 
  4. I will have one positive affirmation every week. Positive talking will change my way of thinking, silence the negative thoughts and putting the blessing out to the universe. 
  5. With all these, make it a routine. It won’t work if it isn’t and in order to manifest the life I dream of, I have to a starting point and the perservance to press on.

Emotional… Boy oh,boy…

  1. I will forgive myself…I am human,I’m not perfect. Knowing and actually believing that God didn’t make a mistake when creating me, will give me a sense of self. The hardest part has been understanding and picturing what God is. My beliefs had begun in fear and mind-control. I will release the ideas of what God is or what he/she looks like.That’s the best part about God, he/she doesn’t care what I have created in my mind as to who they are, I BELIEVE that they are there. With all the blessings around me( learning to realize and be greatful for the ones now and in the near future), it incredibly difficult not to. 
  2. I will not be naiive anymore. I will see people for who they are. Regardless if its a romantic connection or family, my sex will not speak for me or define me. That part will be save for the ones who are worthy. My family included. My relationship are in my control, and the most important is my dads. He’s been there for me since day one, forgiving him for the past mistakes. Not the ones who continue to hurt me. In any shape or form, they will not be in the world I am creating.
  3. I will face my past pains…the lost of my unborn child…the tramas I have faced and understand that those experience makes me who I am. Its the strength that I have gained through it. I am human… I am OK. My child is in the arms of God and my ancestors, holding her until I will see her on earth. My comfort is in knowing that. I will remember her on the day that she would have been born..March 25th 2017. My Aries baby. My sweet Genesis. I love you, Angel. 
  4. I will create the emotional stability that I have seek through meanless sex and broken,unavailable men. My children deserves a sure mother. One who secure in my beliefs and ideas. My partner must be the same. With men, they need to meet the needs and treat me like I want to be treated. Women, not to search for the ones who need justification of their sexuality or wants to be a “super hero”. I will be secure in my own strength. In due time, I will meet someone who will compliment me and eventually love me to be around for years to come. I won’t be focused on what others around me lives are playing out. My life is my life, what I make of it will be something of my creation. My next partner will be there for the ride. Encouraging me along the way.
  5. I will be comfortable in being alone. Time is what relationships and time is precious. I know I won’t be alone for long so in the meantime,I will wallow in it. Create life in my dreams and birth beauty. 
  6. I will love ME. ALL of my flaws. My mistakes makes me, me. I will learn from them. I will look in the mirror and love my body. By not sharing it with the next knucklehead who doesn’t see my greatness. I have came too far to be brought down and the year will be proof that I will rise, above it all. With the grace of God and the strength of the heavens. 
  7. I will exert positivity in the universe. No matter how stupid people may feel about it. Positivity is light and that is all God. I am His/Her child. That ITSELF makes me humbled, its time to show that.

Spiritual…

  1. Talked it about more in the last two, however,they do hand and hand. I will strength my faith and relationship with God. Not feel pressured to defined who they are. God and my relationship is just that. The teaching that has been encoded in my life are meet stepping stones. The images that society has created are mind control tools for obidence.God, yes wants obidence… is important however not as a scare tool. God is love. God is a big, muitface entity that I would hug as a teddy bear that runs their hands through my heart like a mother.
  2. I will pray more. Talking to him/her. Whatever the issues is. I will remember that they listen. They aren’t judgemental. They will help,even when I don’t automatically see it. I will know EVERYTHING IS A BLESSING. God is all around. I will have endless faith and hope in ALL things. Believe in the process and know that the outcome will be far as the eye can see. Blessings overwhelming, reminding me to always say Thank You. 

Those areas of my life are areas that all my dreams reside. Creating the belief that they will come true will bring me out of the dark and into the light. I am starting small and the saying goes “you gotta crawl before you walk.”, Reminding me that this my race, the pace that I take is OK, regardless of how fast or slow. All this is my motivation. Life’s path is mine and as long as I am healthy and alive, I will set my feet firmly and walk. With God. With the universe. With a healthier inner- Me.

Living in the Moment…Crawling towards Change

This year, 2016, has been a year of change. With everything around me, it’s surprising that I hadn’t lost sight of my sanity or my self-worth. However, if i had to be honest with myself, i have absolutely no idea what my self-worth is. Along with that, my identity has been questioned since I was able to recognize differences in myself and my counterparts. At first, I would take features and characteristics that differ from others and heavily sigh, complain at the fact that I wasn’t AS something as someone else. Now, at at the ripe ole age of 27, slowly and ever so surely those ideas are dissolving. I think that I have had enough. Comparing and complaining. Hearing it out loud really feels good, however, have i started to make efforts in changing that? No, not really. I have allowed myself to fall back into old habits, some dangerous and inhibited but that is where my comfort lies, in the chaos. Yet, i am tired. I don’t want the constant tornado that is my life or the choices i have made. Memories haunting me, every moment that a thought crosses my mind; i run with it. Recapping and reliving those moments that gave me the most pleasure.

This past week, like i had said, old habits had somewhat resurfaced with a different face. And name. I found myself on the other end of a horrible realization that the man’s thought process has been the same since the beginning of time. That access is far too great to have, versus availability. MY availability.  I was left with questions as to why this was all happening? Why was that I wanted more out of someone and when it was brought to there attention, an negative reaction ensued? I left all the emotions that angish and heartbreak would have, but not the title. We weren’t boyfriend and girlfriend, we were mere fuckbuddies. And everything that came with it. Only difference was that the whole thing got construed as being “love”. Did i love him, or did i love the sex, lust, raw intimacy with him? That day, i knew the answer yet i wanted to believe that it was, indeed the love that I had been missing for so long.

Now, after feeling like the world was over and there will never be someone in the world who would be anything LIKE him, a voice had a conversation with me. Telling me that i needed to snap out of it and continue to move towards my goals and dreams…How? When all my life, i have been conditioned to care, worry about others and their needs verses my own. I have been putting so many things off in hopes that I will find someone who will ultimately give me what I need. Stability, compassion, romance…three factors in a ever-big equation that is ME. I’m complex and unstable. My desires change like the season and me, eager for someone to meet me at least half way, had been my forefront since i can remember. The youthful times in which everyone around me had their “first” and I wanted to be at the the top of that very line. It never happened. I wasn’t “That One” where academic catapults me into the world of preps and jocks. My athleticism was mistaken for “manly” …I couldn’t win. I wanted to WIN, but everywhere….everyone i turned to or end up wanting to pursue had left me broken down and brokenhearted. Again, i was or am tired.

So I left him and every man who had made me feel like this, go. I didn’t want to feel alone, when they are “physically” here. I didn’t want to be left feeling doubt or disgust for allowing myself to actually FEEL…so i let him go. Them all go. And i felt…empty. For the next few days.

It wasn’t until yesterday that what my dad and everyone around me start to make sense. They had said that what is easy to get isn’t worth having. In hindsight, I knew that yet I wanted to be desire and by any means necessary, i was going to obtain it. Yet, i didn’t. Didn’t plead for him to talk to me. Cry out for him to see me. Pressed him to say the things one who was in love would say. Nothing. NO communication from me. I felt powerful. This maybe the change that I wanted. No sooner did i start to believe that, he texted a simple “hello”. The older scholars were right. As much as I wanted to scream, cry, or even leap for joy over a single text, i didn’t. I let it lay. That felt even better than the foreplay that i was or am accustomed to.

This year, power or inner-power has been a struggle. Trying to muster the strength to push forward has been even harder yet every moment; there is opportunity to get better. To BECOME better. Now, 2017 is the year of transformation. One in which I will let old habits die, along with the feeling of inadequacy. I have begun the process of looking inward. To repair years of hurt. So I can grow and become an actual strong woman. One that I can look at and be proud of the things accomplished with faith. It would be now time to embrace the idea of “Death” and new “Life”. It’s only the 2nd day, 28 days till the 1st. I am sure that within that time, I will open my eyes and see a new world that I, myself can create. One filled with Happiness, love and promise. One that delights in the beauty of all things. To mold myself into a person that the universe has blessed me by allowing me to be…in the moment. In the present. TO build towards the future. I delight in the possibilities that my heart burst in tears of gratitude. Thankful that moments I still have to create and it will all play in my favor. Strength…in turn aids in growth.

 

 

Conversations with Genesis 👶👼

I can’t believe it…21 weeks. At this time,I would have been adimit in finding out that you were a girl. However,the signs early on, all told me that you were going to be my first girl. Now, I know,I’d probably hoped for twins but not this time. You were the only one. And boy, was the feeling exciting. I wonder what I would look like now, would I have  bump?( well, seeing that I started to get one around 6 weeks…it would have been obvious) Would I have felt all you’re little movements? Would it have felt like butterflies or a weird contortion out of a sci-fi movie? Nonetheless, I would be rubbing my belly, talking to you, anticipating when I’ll see your angelic face. 

Guilt still floods me when I see new parents. Anger haunts me every time I talk to what would had been your father. To know he would rather choose to put your mother on the back burner, rather than work as a collective, you don’t deserve that baby. You deserve a father who will just dottle over his little girl. Move mountains to ensure your safety. Look into your eyes and reassure you that you have nothing to worry about and that he will be there as you first protector over your little heart. Neither of those things have happen with your unexpected,pending arrival. To feel alone in a decision that I find at times I may have made selfishly, he didn’t share the same feeling. How can I reassure you that he loved you if I can’t even reassure you if the decision  was a responsible one from him? I want to but I swore that I would never lie to my children. Is it cruel? Yes my child it is and it pains me deeply. But you deserve honesty. And I will give it to you as soft as I can possibly. 

My sweet angel, you mean more than life itself to me. You are what people say, “a heart outside of ones body” and I can imagine your sweet smile and your sing-song laugh, filling my heart in cracks that I thought would ever be filled. Ah, the anticipation

I have given you that name that has been sitting on my heart, Genesis Luna Williams. Genesis: The beginning,  the birth of a world that is filled with promise and light. Luna: as beautiful and gracious to see the day, I anticipate the night where the sky is filled by the moons light. Where the endless stars shine so bright, knowing that’s where you reside. My daughter. My fairy amongst the garden of Eden. My delicate water lily on the meadow. I love you.

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