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*Forever Free*

Through the browns of her eyes, she sees wonders

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Free Creativity

Sometimes…it just lingers!

Hey folks,

Today, work couldn’t go any slower, nor could my mind go any faster then what the day has in store today. My ex apparently wants to do a spa day, to rekindle the relationship that had once died, resurrected just to be cruely murder by the hands of her insecurites and tempation. Psh. Anywhom, there was a idea that I had for my “novel”(I’m not sure what to call it yet, let’s assume that it’s a lot of words that translate into a story) that has been pondering in my head for the longest time…There are some kink kanks that come with it but I think the opening is pretty good. Since I only have about 20 mins left till I have to clock out, i’m writing it down because it’s driving me crazy that i haven’t written it yet and it still lingers.

Looking at my Cartier watch, my anxiety has awaken every never in my body. Not again. Something i’ve always struggled with, however, you already knew that. It read 6:37 pm and you were to meet me at the Louge on 8th and Market. I look outside and I see that it’s starting to rain, harder then it had been hours ago. My knee nervously bounced as I’m anticipating your arrival. I would normally play coy however,I can’t. You found me on a online blog and you like the things that I had written. Every poem, short story, casual thought, you read and commented. You sent me a e-mail, saying how you can relate to my writing and you wanted to chat with me, get to know me as a author, however, that is only one of few things on my resume of achievements. I sip my chai tea, with soy milk as I look at other areas of the lounge. I notice that there is a couple, college aged, talking about current events in the news paper. The converstation was intriging, but i didn’t want to intergect my ideas of where the education system is going in this country. I look and see that there was a women, rushing across the street, fighting off the rain that had changed direction from fall freely down straight to a diagonal downpour. She comes in, noticing the long boots that she was wearing with thick, black tights. How her calf muscule was hidding in a wrapping of finest leather, I allowed my lips to break into a smile. She shook off her umbrella and you had taken my breath away as I looked at the beauty that stood at the end entrance way. You looked around untill you looked towards my table. I must have been the woman that you were looking forward to see after months of converstation over the blog world.

“Did you wait long?” You asked

I tried not to stare at those dark, hazelnut colored eyes as they were accented with eyeliner. Giving you more of an edge then one of innocence. You wore light make-up that only accented the key points of your flawless, caramel skin.  Your hair was falling down, slowly brushing against you peacoat.

“No, not at all,” I said, pulling up a seat next to me, “Please, sit”

You smiled, notice your dimples and in that very second, I was yours. Yours for the picking, yours for the prying.

“I’m sorry, the sub didn’t come on time and I was so worried that you might have left.”

Sure, you were about an hour late for our intial meeting however, I didn’t care. Time wasn’t a priority since a lot of things that needed tobe done that day, were already completed.

“It’s fine” I smiled, noticing her ease into her seat, comfortable with who she is talking with

“For someone as prestigious as yourself, actually have time to sit down with a commoner like myself.” You joked

“No, I manage my time well,” I said, sipping on my tea, “Besides, I never had someone take a personal intest as you have”

You chuckled, “I have to admit, i’ve been following your blogs for the longest and I admire you. I’m thankful you have the time to talk to me.”

“I’m flattered,” I said, arrogance was never a good look for me, which I notice that you didn’t expect that, “I worked hard to get where I am now however, the journey hasn’t been a easy one.”

“Really?” You asked, “You don’t mind telling me, do you?”

“Unless you are planning on running my name in the mud…” I joked

“Oh, no.” You retorted, “I would never run a fellow writer down for my own gain. I just want to hear your story. What made you, you.”

Your sincerity is what made me say yes and the manner in which you said made my heart flutter and me recap back years ago, seeing the very siren that caught my attention.

 

That’s it for now folks, chime in whatever, everything is apperciated.

Over and out,

Jay

Just thinking more…or less….

Hey folks,

I’ve haven’t had time to come online since I’ve started a new job. Yay! However, it does give me a reason to make a schedule for everyday life. At work, in the mist of bordom and training, I started to think and with that, came a piece of me that went on the little squared paper that  is used to take notes.

At times when casual conversation states, usually it just goes with the topic at hand. Lately, however, the topic today moved more towards the thoughts of my mom. Littles topics of conversation moved more towards the thoughts and memories of my late mother. Little things like beauty ideas or little antidotes she used to do made me picture her more. When I was younger, there were little things that would make me laugh like playing a rhyming game that would involve her playing with my facial features.

“Head knocka, eye-seeer, nose smeller, mouth eater, chin beaker, ear hearer.” she would say as she pinch my various spots, making me giggle.

The way her brown, curly hair looked in the 90’s fade, her eyebrows being tattooed on.

When we are younger, never would anyone think that the person they love the most could actually die at any time. They, in my eyes, were immortal. They would stay the same age and was immune to getting sick. They contained some super power that prevented them from aging. However it never goes the way a child would think it should. Even as an adult, there is still a part that holds on to those ideaologial theories or feelings.Fairy tales somehow gets lost in the years of transition and development. When the sunny skies outside of a child’s window are preseved as beautiful, adults mentality makes the cruelity of the world prevelant; making them grey. Th carefree, fearless gets trampled by the hooves of the real. The coldness in the world wraps it’s arms around the warmth one would feel. Cruelty being its carriage and reality being its driver,the contrast of my childhood world only gets muddled in comparison of is really going outside of my childhoods window However, there are points of my day do I get to see through my childhoods window and I see my healthy mother the very that I seen her.Her hood mentality oozing from her and hearing her voice that sounded like trumpets in a band. Her hearty laughter makes my heart enter a world nirvana and my smile breaks through a once emotionless face.

Just came in head and I had to put it down on paper!

Peace and Love

Jay

A step back may be the the very thing to push me forward!

I started going through some of my old works from my senior project and I realized that my senior project(which is a story about my revelations) is still happening. More chapters are forming with each situation that has arised. Which is interesting! The following is a sample of work that I did my senior year.

I slowly emerge myself under water that is layered with a sheet of bubbles. Scents of lavender and citrus excite my senses at once. Aromatherapy and a warm bath is what I’ve been waiting for since I got off work. Long days at work somehow end with a shower and straight to bed, which I’m accustomed to. Today is different ,however, since it is my day off. With my eyes open, I see the candle I lit flicker against the stillness of the water. Soft jazz is playing; yet sounds waves are faded against my ears.  Like starlight, everything that happened that day disappeared. The water against my skin relieves my tension and directs my mind to a place I’d escape to.  Clear, blue waters with the scent of Caribbean air fill my imagination while the skies are becoming dusk. Simple yet very exquisite. My only wish was that everyday could be like it.–That I wouldn’t have to face tomorrow that is filled with work and errands to run. Hearing the beat of my heart increase in speed and my lungs wanting air, I leave my imagination just to welcome with the calm ambiance of candles, lavender, and jazz. It felt like forever but it lasted only three minutes. Wiping the warm water off my face, I have brought myself to the reality that past evidence has given.

***

I walk out to my balcony of my apartment and noticed that the sun has gone down and the moon is shining brightly over the Pacific. After living in California for a year, I have not gotten tired of the scenery that I wake up to everyday and go to sleep with every night. I unplug my computer from the Internet connection and I sat down on my table, allowing my computer to wake up from hibernation.  The wind softly had blown through the palm trees while drying my hair. I looked at what I needed to do tomorrow and what is due for the week.

After sipping on white wine, my mind is cleared, and I’m ready to get my story underway. So many times, I would look at the blank sheet of paper, hoping that words would somehow appear onto the screen. Yet the words would just be construed to make the thought present.  Even then, that is not the objective. I place my hand on the keys and I close my eyes, allowing myself to regress and let the memory go from my head to my fingers…

Her Legs…

Her long, caramel legs…

Is the first thing that I had noticed on her, what I continue to notice on her in addition to her other attributes. This GIRL took my breath away, which was a breath that I wanted to keep. She sat only centimeters away from me. Her curly hair looked like the midnight sky, wet from a recent rain shower. She looked down at a slant that elongated her neck at her textbook: physics. Reading, studying, concentrating deeply on containing the information needed to pass her exam. I wanted her to look at me the same way, with such intellect. Allowing her to figure out the complexity of a person, solving an possible equation of compatibility. I’ve been studying her and It’s been that way for a whole semester, five months of solid concentration whenever I got the chance to see her.

Today was no different, only having my best friend sitting across the table. I have looked at this computer for twenty minutes, surfing Facebook or checking e-mail. Yet, I kept my focus on her and what she was wearing. Dressed in neutral colors, colors associated with presage, high-class, and intellect. She represented her color and she wore them well. Like a love struck pre-teen, butterflies instantly grew. What was going through my head?  Yet, my heart was confused. Why these feelings did occur, in such a manner and time that would have people look at me crazy. I stared her. I wanted her to turn so slightly that I could look into her eyes, giving me brown eyes and letting me swim in them. I look at her contours of her face, noticing her dimples. Her soft face reminded me so much of the expression of shyness that someone new to a school would have. Though, I’ve seen her in passing on campus, her power was sensual, messing with every emotion that I have. She closed her book, put in her polka dot bag and began to walk down the stairs of the library. She swayed as if there were a Latin band playing her an exit. As she turned to walk down the stairs, she looked up and caught me looking at her. I hurriedly looked away, focusing on my blank screen. I sighed. She is the first woman that caused my heart to skip a beat. The nameless wonder is my driving the desire to have her.  Since the moment I met her, the moment that I looked into her eyes, those emotions balled up like tangled yarn. Her body and her intellectual power she gave off at the table only made me want to know her more…if I could know her more. My best friend gets my attention by slamming her bag on the table, bringing me back to the world I’d escaped for a while.

“You are always daydreaming,” She told me, as she logged into her library-issued laptop

As we walked to our next class, I wanted to see her again. To catch a glimpse of her, letting me know that she is real and wasn’t just a figure of my imagination.  That has been that way since I first saw her, when my emotions got the best of me and old feeling arrived. Confusions swarmed in my head, as if I had drank too much. I wanted to lie down and let it overcome me, pass through me and then I would return to a sober state of mind but…It’s never like that.

Life tends to throw curve balls at me and I would normally knock them out of the park. Hitting the homerun, I’ll touch each base with dignity and pride that once the game is over, it’s over. Now, however, I’ve missed them and calling game on account of rain. We walk to class and my mind is within itself, trying to sort through everything that has occurred that day, in addition to what was going to happen in the next week. Frustration suddenly took a seat next to uncertainly and caused mayhem in my head. Various thoughts ran through my mind, but when I looked at her walking across the quad, it didn’t exist anymore. This wasn’t right. It couldn’t be right. Yet, it felt completely the opposite.  Though my unnamed crush was not my first, she was the first to cause my judgment to be clouded further. Sending me through the skies into another galaxy which she was the queen of and everything then was right. I didn’t want to come down, but I came crashing down when thoughts about classes or the future presented themselves.  I sat down in class, and as I stared out into the quad, tuning out what issues the communication was, I realized that my life is not simple but a complex thing that makes efforts to be simple.

When I was a child, my eyes were marveled by the beauty of everything that was surrounded me.  Every cloud has shape and every sun ray takes form, leaving you in awe. Taking it all in, she was the sun ray through the cloud. The white, fluffy clouds that cover the sun for one moment, letting the imagination run wild. Like a child, I was marveled at her beauty what seemed forever. These girls were girls that I once envied, envy turned into fascination. Comparing myself to those girls, the ones that had boys surrounding them as they came into the school building and I wanted that very same attention. Looking at my stature, however, would cause those boys to have me on their football team rather than date me. Reverting back to my nameless beauty, her power was eluding me. Drawing me close, wanting to dip into her thoughts or control her feelings. Yet, my mind wanders back to the male aspect of my existence. To have a man’s arms around me is something I longed for or desired, yet in the atmosphere that has men with young boys’ mentality, the chances were slim. Since high school, I was told that I would find my husband in college, yet there hasn’t been eligible bachelors knocking on my door, proposing the world to me. However, there have been bachelorettes coming through windows offering me half.

Conflicted feelings started to settle in my head, making a home in my sub-conscious. I can’t feel these emotions; I have to get a hold of my hormones. Yet, I was taken to her like water to an ocean. She was perfect and I wanted to have her, yet I didn’t know her. In my head, she was the one that I wanted to pursue yet there was a wall up. My wall with doubt, insecurities and uncertainties was standing before the feelings of what ifs.  As I started to get a sense of courage, I was suddenly pulled back to reality and this was no different. I looked down and saw a text from a familiar.

“What r u doin?” It read

Him…He had to be the one to bring me back to reality, adding more stress than I already had. He managed to make himself known that he played a part in my confusion, yet cutting him out would be harmful.

“In class.” I responded

“When r u done?”He sent

“4”

Send…Message sent.

Imagining what it would be like without him has been my ultimate downfall, going against the feeling of needing a man to reassure my beauty, my sex-appeal or simply my feminine being. History has been thrown in the balance, yet I’m not sure it has stood the test of my time in college.

“Oh ard”

“Why you ask?”

Send… Message sent.

Yet, the wanting of exploring the world outside of what “we” had has been my driving passion for the past few months.

“No reason. Ttys”

He doesn’t express his feelings for me, the one that has been at his side for six years. It’s black and white, never gray.

“Ttyl.”

Send…Message sent.

 

Peace and Love,

Jay

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