Hey Steph,

I know that it’s been a while since we last spoke and it was on really bad terms however, it’s a new year and I wanted to get everything off my chest since it’s been so long and it has been eating away for months. Maybe this is therapy, maybe a rant however either way you can continue to read on or delete the message. 

I am DEEPLY, IMMENSELY sorry for how our relationship ended. So many times, i had gone back and forth, up and down in asking HOW? How did we get to the points that we did? How did it all end? Immaturity. I was immature in the way of thinking and doing that it had unraveled the very relationship that I had wanted for so long. You had always said that you were a knight in shiny armor and I took it literally. You saved me NUMEROUS times which is true but the fact remained, you AREN’T A KNIGHT, you are woman like everyone else and you had the same emotions that everyone has. I was selfish in thinking that you didn’t. I had an image in my mind that i could mold you into someone and in reality, I couldn’t nor can’t. Steph, you are just ONE person and for me to have expected something different was wrong. I should have never tried to change you or even fallen mad when you didn’t.

I want to be angry with you. For leaving me when I couldn’t understand myself. For learning that I was positive and completely changed on me. I want to be so angry with you for simply…stopping however I understand now. I was angry at myself, for being carefree and that it was/is my responsibility to learn myself and what my life will be for now on. Knowing I am Bipolar Again, I should have never expected you were up for it, we should of have had a lot of sit downs and talks instead of covering it up or me acting erratically. I am SORRY for putting literally all of my shit on you and expect you to sort through it.

Stephanie, I look back on our short time and though some were the most memorable and amazing, more memories were for a lack of a better word “icky”. I know the list of things are endless but the one thing that I can say now is that I NEVER wanted you to fall out of love for me, hate me,be scared of me, be disgusted with me since you had shown the complete opposite on numerous occasions, since the very beginning. You had been my saving grace but grace can only go so far. You didn’t deserve ANY of the shit I had put you through or shit, period. You are a remarkable woman and I took completely advantage of it. I wish I was able to have understood you more then, than, in the time that I have been away. I understand EVERYTHING that you had done and I have forgiven you. Kinda of weird to say forgiven when a part of me feels that you don’t need forgiven and in cases, you don’t.

This is NOT an attempt to get back with you at all since I believe that bridge is burnt(I apologize for that metaphorically/ possibly literally). I wanted to just release everything that has been inside me for the last 7 months. I don’t want to keep holding on to anger or frustration that the relationship was, I want to let it go. Which I have, however, to fully come to peace, I need to make amends. And to the woman who took my heart long ago, you are the biggest one I want to make amends with. Not for personal gain but just because you deserve hearing repentance from me and Lord God,I repent. 

In all, Steph, From the bottom of my heart, I hope that you are happy doing everything you wanted. I wish you nothing but success, happiness and especially love in 2017. You are deeply missed and from now till forever, you will always have my heart. No matter where I go, what I do, who I’m with, I will never meet or love another YOU and I am so OK with that. Happy New Year!

Much love,
Jackie

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So I was not going to respond to this email but I want you to know that I do not except your apology. I have moved passed you and all you have done to me. But I need you to know: You hurt me in ways that no one has ever hurt me. Through everything I tried to stay with you and be there for you be kept being pushed away. Then for you to put your hands on me and burn the fuck out of me with the cigarette? I did not show the pain and hurt and fear that I had that night because that is what you wanted. I did not and would not have EVER put my hands on you in anger and you knew that I would never do that and that would be the one thing that I would not stand for. I went through SO much mental abuse from you but I kept dealing with it because I knew you were a good person and only wanted someone to love you and be there for you and not leave you. I gave you all of that. All I wanted was some support as well, since you know my gf was supposed to be there for me since my dad was so sick in the hospital for month.  I had to deal with that to but ya know you were walking around and bitching just fine so I chose to prioritize my family ahead of you. I would have given you the world whatever you wanted in time. But you wanted everything right now like yesterday and got mad when I had other responsibility like working to keep a roof over your head. Please don’t get this twisted I DO NOT LOVE OR HAVE LOVE for you anymore. You could fall of the earth and I would not even notice or if someone told me I would be like “damn that sucks” and go about my day. After you I was completely broken. I needed the help of people who did not even know that well to get over it. Lynn flew back here to pick the pieces of me there were left in your aftermath. But I guess I can thank you for if it were not for you…I would not have found my family up here. It is one year from when I sent you to jail. I should not have fought so hard to get you out and get the charges reduced. I should have let you rot in there and let them take away any possibility of you getting to be a councilor, but I did what I did so you could have some kind of career.   
Now that I got that off my chest. I will say that I’m glad that you see that you did fuck up and are dealing with the issues. I wish you the best in life and hope you find the same joy with another person that I have.
Again I have to thank you, if not for you tearing me down multiple time I would not have found the love of my life because I would not have known that love is supposed to EASY and my home is supposed to be my castle.   I am getting married to a sexy, wonderful, successful, non dramatic, funny, amazing, smart, beautiful, WOMAN. She is the definition of royalty, which is why she is my true Queen.  

Have a nice life

Steph 

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PS you can think Misha for you actually getting in a box the rest of your stuff went to the Goodwill

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Congrats of your future numptuals.

Send my regards to Misha.

Again, I apologize for the interuptions.

Best Wishes✌

A Real converstation…an Email sent back from one scorned lover to a deeply scorned lover. The intial shocked caused a rippled effect through my body .There was a time where love and affection eveloped the two lover…And now…The hatred snake sthiters through every word. Hatred through every sentence. The love was gone, no traces of renewal and in the end, did she want it. No, the damaged was done however the magntude surpassed volcanic erupting. The world had split in half and the idea of concrete and suspention of both half is never happening. What kills her the most? She has no idea, the hate she repsonds blinds her sorrowful eyes. She was sorry, hate herself for hurting her, just want peace,BUT IT WASNT HAPPENING. ITS NEVER GONNA HAPPEN.Who know the extent? Who knew the damage? You, yourself couldnt imagine it, a monster, a creature that you would recognize today. You wanna say you grew up, but you read it again. Phrases again…and again…and again…no remorse. No hope of forgiveness. Added more wound…the lover moved on…settled down. Married? Another Queen? Have they gone mad? Yet, you go back to reading over and over and over again. Is this Alice’s Madhouse? The lover stops. Cold in its spot. You wanna flip back pages and see that there was others paths. Yeah those roads were never traveled, never ventured for cowardess reasons. Now you are left with a stale,sour feeling and even more bitter pain, ones left never prepared. 

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