“Take ahold of your life.”

Again…what? How can I define what my life is in order to take ahold, or control of of it? Constantly bombarded with images and memes of people “taking a hold of their lives”, yet i can’t even answer the simple question of ” what is life? My life and when do I take control of it or moreso…how?

It’s easy to picture what an ideal life would be. For me, however,I have a hard time to develop what my ideal life can or should be. Too many distractions. Too many factors I take in account which later changes to what people may think as being “excuses.”

“You wanna do yoga but you need to take classes and classes cost money.”

“You wanna get back to being active, running and whatnot but you wanna have a menbership somewhere for that to actually happen.”

“You wanna write but you dont have the latest in technology or even the technology part to actually do something as far ACTUALLY sitting down and…write.”

I find these “interupptions” in thinking as a continuous thing. A cycle that doesnt stop. Thanking the contributions that Bipolar has given to me. In addition to a sense of falsehood on beliving that routine is key, the excitement of it all derays me from reality. That excitement only last a short time. Limits actually exist. And I have set ceilings on those very limits in which hinders anything from beginning and continuing.

Take for example, quitting cigerettes…five days in and of course…a struggle. I have a headache, i am irriable, i wanna go..crazy however it hasnt happen. I had done the research, holistic methods, asked questions but still…I have a cigerette somewhere or will obtain one in the near future. So much for cold turkey.

Why is that? Why haven’t I gotten ahold of the will-power to just…stop?Is it stubbornness? Is it the mind games that addiction plays? Is it the physical craving? 

How take ahold of ANYTHING when I cant get a hold of something as big as a habit?  How can I take control of “life” when I. Do. Not. Know. How. To. Have. Control. 

I reflect on the last four days of the New Year and the one thing I have yet to define is life. I understand that “life is what you make it” however I look at it like a horse…a wild horse…a wild horse thay wants a Stable but they see food and water one horizion, an apple tree on the other and three blind mice walking into oblivion. 

It dawns on me that I may need to define Life. Until then, I will continue to be exposed to the endless chances-on-life, push-forward, change-your-way-of-thinking and hate it every..single…minute…of..it. 

I KNOW! I FUCKING KNOW!

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