Happy New Year and Hello 28…jesus, the time has truly gone. People I grew up with are now having families, starting famlies and here I am..28, single-ish(long explaination), no kids and Here. I. Am. 

I have beating myself up comparing EVERYONE that I had gone to school and college with. To the point that the race towards “success” had haulted. I cant even define what success is. Is it accomplishing the very model that the Us has branded in every woman sincw the beginning. To multiply? 

The fact of time and the enivornment that surrounds me has made me question. I was going to be a mom sometime this year(March 25th, 2017) however I had made the choice, whether sound or poorly thought out, to postpone that life-changing phase of my life till I was for CERTAIN I was ready to engage. Yet, the question still remains, “Was that phase a phase that I was have demostarted success?”

My main focus of 2017, is to find and obtain security. Security as a woman, a POC woman, finacially secure( lets face it, a single woman living with her sister dysfuction is NOT ideal living)…Yet I keep scooting…then stop. Scoot and stop.

Sitting down with a cold clinician, made me realize that the experience that i have had thus far had landed me in that office seat, recapping my ailments. Memories flood back as I speak of suicide attempts or experimentation with psych. drugs.

Its only the 4th day of new year and I feel aprehention building. Its difficult to shove that thought down. Trying to allow fearlessness and perserverence to break through yet, its a never ending, extremely tiredsome battle to go through. 

Heading to a job that I cant shake the feeling of anguish or dispair. I achingly long for a 9-5 where I enjoy going to work, actually make a difference in someone life with the knowledge ive gained and the experiences that has molded be. 

2017, I am on my knees, please show me a sign that my success is on the horizon.