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*Forever Free*

Through the browns of her eyes, she sees wonders

Month

January 2017

Stop! Is this growth?

So while walking home from my dads, i had taken a few moments to realize a few things and one being the affection from men and how…i dont miss it.

Now, the act of sex, sure the desire is strong however the act of going out and doing acts like texting for booty..hasn’t pressed me. Not sure how that came about but my urge to text the two who I am actively seeing, is not there. The activeness is no longer. 

Have I gotten bored?!Yes, bored of calling and no answers. Yes,bored of one ended converstations, that the ultimate topic is sex. Constantly reminding me of past experiences and when the reliving will begin, i have no desire to. I realize that I am good at my craft however,thats not me. That’s not who I am. All women have yonies so why am I any diffrent? Everyone has an mouth…an ass, so why is mine any different. 

I believe I have grown tired of cardinal affairs. Though, I desire, crave, lust after orgasms, just…not…with…them. They are tired. I desire something new.

That goes for all my past lovers. At times,I reminise about days and nights of lust engagements I had participated in. The moans and raw images forever play on my minds reel. A many part series,I catch myself remenbering. Yet those memories are just that…no need to replay or recreate them again for the risk of my own sanity. So i don’t reach out, go on Facebook and message them; proclaiming enternal love and adoration I have for them. Lies just to feel some amount of sexual want from them. It is just…not…there. 

I deserve something withstand, something long lasting after the lust disapates. That the cloud of new love lifts and that there is me standing, in raw form, awaiting for the ONE who can handle me.

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Remorse is painful

I woke up sad…i woke up broken. I woke up to a crack in the very nature of my heart, reopening the wound to just exaserbate it. Pulling off the bandaid to the wound not fully healed. 

I had done things to get over the breakup…suturing others to mold itself to what I want to come. A better me, a more understanding sense of self so that next person would apperciate me more. Love me deeper. Like me infinate. But i didnt allow her to heal. To take  step back and evvaulate the mistakes and take responsiblity for the damage…yet she doesnt. Her eyes are blinded by rage. Her mind is caged in a box of angish and hurt. I admit…i’m the reason. Yet,I acknowledge my human error and in efforts of correcting it.

She didnt hear me through those text of spewed fustration. She didnt read my remorse. I have been so tired of carrying the obvious, in EVERY relationship, whether it was her or my ex best friend. I have swallowed the bitter pill and its effects have subsided. Her or theres have a last effect. Lingering internally whereas, I have convinced myself that it had passed. Yet her words echo like cathdreal bells. Shaking me at the very core of my spirit. 

It’s dead…remorse nowhere in sight. The page never end beautifully, gracefully concluding a dissolved love. Yet, what could you possibly say? You didnt convice yourself that she’d willing to? The light,like many had blown out. Nothing left of cinders of memories. You want to live those moments again but…into the sky they shimmer…You tried. Thats what any perseon could ask of you. You swallow that pride just to save face. A confident front but inside, you are grasphing for life,anew.

Repentence for the Weary

Hey Steph,

I know that it’s been a while since we last spoke and it was on really bad terms however, it’s a new year and I wanted to get everything off my chest since it’s been so long and it has been eating away for months. Maybe this is therapy, maybe a rant however either way you can continue to read on or delete the message. 

I am DEEPLY, IMMENSELY sorry for how our relationship ended. So many times, i had gone back and forth, up and down in asking HOW? How did we get to the points that we did? How did it all end? Immaturity. I was immature in the way of thinking and doing that it had unraveled the very relationship that I had wanted for so long. You had always said that you were a knight in shiny armor and I took it literally. You saved me NUMEROUS times which is true but the fact remained, you AREN’T A KNIGHT, you are woman like everyone else and you had the same emotions that everyone has. I was selfish in thinking that you didn’t. I had an image in my mind that i could mold you into someone and in reality, I couldn’t nor can’t. Steph, you are just ONE person and for me to have expected something different was wrong. I should have never tried to change you or even fallen mad when you didn’t.

I want to be angry with you. For leaving me when I couldn’t understand myself. For learning that I was positive and completely changed on me. I want to be so angry with you for simply…stopping however I understand now. I was angry at myself, for being carefree and that it was/is my responsibility to learn myself and what my life will be for now on. Knowing I am Bipolar Again, I should have never expected you were up for it, we should of have had a lot of sit downs and talks instead of covering it up or me acting erratically. I am SORRY for putting literally all of my shit on you and expect you to sort through it.

Stephanie, I look back on our short time and though some were the most memorable and amazing, more memories were for a lack of a better word “icky”. I know the list of things are endless but the one thing that I can say now is that I NEVER wanted you to fall out of love for me, hate me,be scared of me, be disgusted with me since you had shown the complete opposite on numerous occasions, since the very beginning. You had been my saving grace but grace can only go so far. You didn’t deserve ANY of the shit I had put you through or shit, period. You are a remarkable woman and I took completely advantage of it. I wish I was able to have understood you more then, than, in the time that I have been away. I understand EVERYTHING that you had done and I have forgiven you. Kinda of weird to say forgiven when a part of me feels that you don’t need forgiven and in cases, you don’t.

This is NOT an attempt to get back with you at all since I believe that bridge is burnt(I apologize for that metaphorically/ possibly literally). I wanted to just release everything that has been inside me for the last 7 months. I don’t want to keep holding on to anger or frustration that the relationship was, I want to let it go. Which I have, however, to fully come to peace, I need to make amends. And to the woman who took my heart long ago, you are the biggest one I want to make amends with. Not for personal gain but just because you deserve hearing repentance from me and Lord God,I repent. 

In all, Steph, From the bottom of my heart, I hope that you are happy doing everything you wanted. I wish you nothing but success, happiness and especially love in 2017. You are deeply missed and from now till forever, you will always have my heart. No matter where I go, what I do, who I’m with, I will never meet or love another YOU and I am so OK with that. Happy New Year!

Much love,
Jackie

***************

So I was not going to respond to this email but I want you to know that I do not except your apology. I have moved passed you and all you have done to me. But I need you to know: You hurt me in ways that no one has ever hurt me. Through everything I tried to stay with you and be there for you be kept being pushed away. Then for you to put your hands on me and burn the fuck out of me with the cigarette? I did not show the pain and hurt and fear that I had that night because that is what you wanted. I did not and would not have EVER put my hands on you in anger and you knew that I would never do that and that would be the one thing that I would not stand for. I went through SO much mental abuse from you but I kept dealing with it because I knew you were a good person and only wanted someone to love you and be there for you and not leave you. I gave you all of that. All I wanted was some support as well, since you know my gf was supposed to be there for me since my dad was so sick in the hospital for month.  I had to deal with that to but ya know you were walking around and bitching just fine so I chose to prioritize my family ahead of you. I would have given you the world whatever you wanted in time. But you wanted everything right now like yesterday and got mad when I had other responsibility like working to keep a roof over your head. Please don’t get this twisted I DO NOT LOVE OR HAVE LOVE for you anymore. You could fall of the earth and I would not even notice or if someone told me I would be like “damn that sucks” and go about my day. After you I was completely broken. I needed the help of people who did not even know that well to get over it. Lynn flew back here to pick the pieces of me there were left in your aftermath. But I guess I can thank you for if it were not for you…I would not have found my family up here. It is one year from when I sent you to jail. I should not have fought so hard to get you out and get the charges reduced. I should have let you rot in there and let them take away any possibility of you getting to be a councilor, but I did what I did so you could have some kind of career.   
Now that I got that off my chest. I will say that I’m glad that you see that you did fuck up and are dealing with the issues. I wish you the best in life and hope you find the same joy with another person that I have.
Again I have to thank you, if not for you tearing me down multiple time I would not have found the love of my life because I would not have known that love is supposed to EASY and my home is supposed to be my castle.   I am getting married to a sexy, wonderful, successful, non dramatic, funny, amazing, smart, beautiful, WOMAN. She is the definition of royalty, which is why she is my true Queen.  

Have a nice life

Steph 

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PS you can think Misha for you actually getting in a box the rest of your stuff went to the Goodwill

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***”””””**********

Congrats of your future numptuals.

Send my regards to Misha.

Again, I apologize for the interuptions.

Best Wishes✌

A Real converstation…an Email sent back from one scorned lover to a deeply scorned lover. The intial shocked caused a rippled effect through my body .There was a time where love and affection eveloped the two lover…And now…The hatred snake sthiters through every word. Hatred through every sentence. The love was gone, no traces of renewal and in the end, did she want it. No, the damaged was done however the magntude surpassed volcanic erupting. The world had split in half and the idea of concrete and suspention of both half is never happening. What kills her the most? She has no idea, the hate she repsonds blinds her sorrowful eyes. She was sorry, hate herself for hurting her, just want peace,BUT IT WASNT HAPPENING. ITS NEVER GONNA HAPPEN.Who know the extent? Who knew the damage? You, yourself couldnt imagine it, a monster, a creature that you would recognize today. You wanna say you grew up, but you read it again. Phrases again…and again…and again…no remorse. No hope of forgiveness. Added more wound…the lover moved on…settled down. Married? Another Queen? Have they gone mad? Yet, you go back to reading over and over and over again. Is this Alice’s Madhouse? The lover stops. Cold in its spot. You wanna flip back pages and see that there was others paths. Yeah those roads were never traveled, never ventured for cowardess reasons. Now you are left with a stale,sour feeling and even more bitter pain, ones left never prepared. 

Take ahold…Of What?!

“Take ahold of your life.”

Again…what? How can I define what my life is in order to take ahold, or control of of it? Constantly bombarded with images and memes of people “taking a hold of their lives”, yet i can’t even answer the simple question of ” what is life? My life and when do I take control of it or moreso…how?

It’s easy to picture what an ideal life would be. For me, however,I have a hard time to develop what my ideal life can or should be. Too many distractions. Too many factors I take in account which later changes to what people may think as being “excuses.”

“You wanna do yoga but you need to take classes and classes cost money.”

“You wanna get back to being active, running and whatnot but you wanna have a menbership somewhere for that to actually happen.”

“You wanna write but you dont have the latest in technology or even the technology part to actually do something as far ACTUALLY sitting down and…write.”

I find these “interupptions” in thinking as a continuous thing. A cycle that doesnt stop. Thanking the contributions that Bipolar has given to me. In addition to a sense of falsehood on beliving that routine is key, the excitement of it all derays me from reality. That excitement only last a short time. Limits actually exist. And I have set ceilings on those very limits in which hinders anything from beginning and continuing.

Take for example, quitting cigerettes…five days in and of course…a struggle. I have a headache, i am irriable, i wanna go..crazy however it hasnt happen. I had done the research, holistic methods, asked questions but still…I have a cigerette somewhere or will obtain one in the near future. So much for cold turkey.

Why is that? Why haven’t I gotten ahold of the will-power to just…stop?Is it stubbornness? Is it the mind games that addiction plays? Is it the physical craving? 

How take ahold of ANYTHING when I cant get a hold of something as big as a habit?  How can I take control of “life” when I. Do. Not. Know. How. To. Have. Control. 

I reflect on the last four days of the New Year and the one thing I have yet to define is life. I understand that “life is what you make it” however I look at it like a horse…a wild horse…a wild horse thay wants a Stable but they see food and water one horizion, an apple tree on the other and three blind mice walking into oblivion. 

It dawns on me that I may need to define Life. Until then, I will continue to be exposed to the endless chances-on-life, push-forward, change-your-way-of-thinking and hate it every..single…minute…of..it. 

I KNOW! I FUCKING KNOW!

2017 Just Started…

Happy New Year and Hello 28…jesus, the time has truly gone. People I grew up with are now having families, starting famlies and here I am..28, single-ish(long explaination), no kids and Here. I. Am. 

I have beating myself up comparing EVERYONE that I had gone to school and college with. To the point that the race towards “success” had haulted. I cant even define what success is. Is it accomplishing the very model that the Us has branded in every woman sincw the beginning. To multiply? 

The fact of time and the enivornment that surrounds me has made me question. I was going to be a mom sometime this year(March 25th, 2017) however I had made the choice, whether sound or poorly thought out, to postpone that life-changing phase of my life till I was for CERTAIN I was ready to engage. Yet, the question still remains, “Was that phase a phase that I was have demostarted success?”

My main focus of 2017, is to find and obtain security. Security as a woman, a POC woman, finacially secure( lets face it, a single woman living with her sister dysfuction is NOT ideal living)…Yet I keep scooting…then stop. Scoot and stop.

Sitting down with a cold clinician, made me realize that the experience that i have had thus far had landed me in that office seat, recapping my ailments. Memories flood back as I speak of suicide attempts or experimentation with psych. drugs.

Its only the 4th day of new year and I feel aprehention building. Its difficult to shove that thought down. Trying to allow fearlessness and perserverence to break through yet, its a never ending, extremely tiredsome battle to go through. 

Heading to a job that I cant shake the feeling of anguish or dispair. I achingly long for a 9-5 where I enjoy going to work, actually make a difference in someone life with the knowledge ive gained and the experiences that has molded be. 

2017, I am on my knees, please show me a sign that my success is on the horizon.

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