This year, 2016, has been a year of change. With everything around me, it’s surprising that I hadn’t lost sight of my sanity or my self-worth. However, if i had to be honest with myself, i have absolutely no idea what my self-worth is. Along with that, my identity has been questioned since I was able to recognize differences in myself and my counterparts. At first, I would take features and characteristics that differ from others and heavily sigh, complain at the fact that I wasn’t AS something as someone else. Now, at at the ripe ole age of 27, slowly and ever so surely those ideas are dissolving. I think that I have had enough. Comparing and complaining. Hearing it out loud really feels good, however, have i started to make efforts in changing that? No, not really. I have allowed myself to fall back into old habits, some dangerous and inhibited but that is where my comfort lies, in the chaos. Yet, i am tired. I don’t want the constant tornado that is my life or the choices i have made. Memories haunting me, every moment that a thought crosses my mind; i run with it. Recapping and reliving those moments that gave me the most pleasure.
This past week, like i had said, old habits had somewhat resurfaced with a different face. And name. I found myself on the other end of a horrible realization that the man’s thought process has been the same since the beginning of time. That access is far too great to have, versus availability. MY availability. I was left with questions as to why this was all happening? Why was that I wanted more out of someone and when it was brought to there attention, an negative reaction ensued? I left all the emotions that angish and heartbreak would have, but not the title. We weren’t boyfriend and girlfriend, we were mere fuckbuddies. And everything that came with it. Only difference was that the whole thing got construed as being “love”. Did i love him, or did i love the sex, lust, raw intimacy with him? That day, i knew the answer yet i wanted to believe that it was, indeed the love that I had been missing for so long.
Now, after feeling like the world was over and there will never be someone in the world who would be anything LIKE him, a voice had a conversation with me. Telling me that i needed to snap out of it and continue to move towards my goals and dreams…How? When all my life, i have been conditioned to care, worry about others and their needs verses my own. I have been putting so many things off in hopes that I will find someone who will ultimately give me what I need. Stability, compassion, romance…three factors in a ever-big equation that is ME. I’m complex and unstable. My desires change like the season and me, eager for someone to meet me at least half way, had been my forefront since i can remember. The youthful times in which everyone around me had their “first” and I wanted to be at the the top of that very line. It never happened. I wasn’t “That One” where academic catapults me into the world of preps and jocks. My athleticism was mistaken for “manly” …I couldn’t win. I wanted to WIN, but everywhere….everyone i turned to or end up wanting to pursue had left me broken down and brokenhearted. Again, i was or am tired.
So I left him and every man who had made me feel like this, go. I didn’t want to feel alone, when they are “physically” here. I didn’t want to be left feeling doubt or disgust for allowing myself to actually FEEL…so i let him go. Them all go. And i felt…empty. For the next few days.
It wasn’t until yesterday that what my dad and everyone around me start to make sense. They had said that what is easy to get isn’t worth having. In hindsight, I knew that yet I wanted to be desire and by any means necessary, i was going to obtain it. Yet, i didn’t. Didn’t plead for him to talk to me. Cry out for him to see me. Pressed him to say the things one who was in love would say. Nothing. NO communication from me. I felt powerful. This maybe the change that I wanted. No sooner did i start to believe that, he texted a simple “hello”. The older scholars were right. As much as I wanted to scream, cry, or even leap for joy over a single text, i didn’t. I let it lay. That felt even better than the foreplay that i was or am accustomed to.
This year, power or inner-power has been a struggle. Trying to muster the strength to push forward has been even harder yet every moment; there is opportunity to get better. To BECOME better. Now, 2017 is the year of transformation. One in which I will let old habits die, along with the feeling of inadequacy. I have begun the process of looking inward. To repair years of hurt. So I can grow and become an actual strong woman. One that I can look at and be proud of the things accomplished with faith. It would be now time to embrace the idea of “Death” and new “Life”. It’s only the 2nd day, 28 days till the 1st. I am sure that within that time, I will open my eyes and see a new world that I, myself can create. One filled with Happiness, love and promise. One that delights in the beauty of all things. To mold myself into a person that the universe has blessed me by allowing me to be…in the moment. In the present. TO build towards the future. I delight in the possibilities that my heart burst in tears of gratitude. Thankful that moments I still have to create and it will all play in my favor. Strength…in turn aids in growth.