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*Forever Free*

Through the browns of her eyes, she sees wonders

Month

December 2016

When You See The World For The Bullshit It has…You began To Plan…

The title speaks for itself. Its about that time of year she  I stop and reevaluate the year but this year is different. I convince myself that it will be different.

I start by saying what do I not want to bring or do the same dumb shit which include messing with or even dating men/women who aren’t going to benefit me. Which further means, that boy that I’ve convinced myself for the past 15 years that I loved. Only loves what most men fall for…the yoni. That a man that I have known for a short time, doesn’t love me in any way…that he,like my ex, are in love with my sex. To have had practice, why am I not surprise? Yes, a great quality but not one that deserves to be disrespected, lied to or played with. Those things I need to do away with…

I am writing  this for my own convincing,my own reasoning, to better MYSELF. To put it on a public forum (its only as public as the people who happen to stumble across my blog). 

So, now…to break down the goals that I will reach, to achieve the main goal; to live and reccreate myself in an image that I want in the years to come.

Start with my physical self:

  1. In 2017, I will…stop smoking cigarettes. Why? Simply because its a gross habit. I want to elongate my life as many years as I possibly can, I want to be around for my grandkids. Now weed, I will only stop to get a better….an entry level job since my goals of being financially secure and comfortable is what I want to achieve. However, once that comes to fluention, weed will be used as my aid for my anxiety,depression and simply my mental health.. Again, another goal.
  2. I will work out…let’s face it, you aren’t getting any younger and I have been wanting to get fit since college. Not being worried about my weight, I will work put for the sake of my mental health. I will do yoga and running. Yoga has so many benefitting properties, one being that it makes meditation easier. Running, because… Well,that’s what you’ve been doing(metaphorically spelling), why not reap the health benefits…again, a longer life.
  3. I will stick to my fish, Turkey diet. Personally, red doesn’t appeal to me and knowing what sausage its alone makes someone want to barf.

 Now…my favorite(ugh) Mental…

  1. I will meditate. I was getting somewhere in Seattle and in Ashland. I want to create my place of peace. Bring that place to life in my head and simply… stay. Along with it creating a space in which I am clear headed, it would help with my already harbor and deepest feelings. With being a routine, I can go far with thinking, creating the very energy to the universe to have it work in my favor.
  2. I will read more…expand my mind with topics that interest me. Current event have left a sense of lostness and not knowing who I am, won’t allow me to become successful. Topics like psychology, spirituality, philosophy creates a positive world with no pressure from the outside.
  3. I will write more…even if its a page a day. The same with reading, even if it’s 10 pages, I will start somewhere. I want to write a book and I have done so before. Writers have started with a idea. Now, doing this or writing here and there is only a sign that my inner self wants to come out. Writing has always been fun and therapeutic. I won’t worry what people thing…I have done that for far too long. People have skeletons in their closet and well…I can creatively write mine. 
  4. I will have one positive affirmation every week. Positive talking will change my way of thinking, silence the negative thoughts and putting the blessing out to the universe. 
  5. With all these, make it a routine. It won’t work if it isn’t and in order to manifest the life I dream of, I have to a starting point and the perservance to press on.

Emotional… Boy oh,boy…

  1. I will forgive myself…I am human,I’m not perfect. Knowing and actually believing that God didn’t make a mistake when creating me, will give me a sense of self. The hardest part has been understanding and picturing what God is. My beliefs had begun in fear and mind-control. I will release the ideas of what God is or what he/she looks like.That’s the best part about God, he/she doesn’t care what I have created in my mind as to who they are, I BELIEVE that they are there. With all the blessings around me( learning to realize and be greatful for the ones now and in the near future), it incredibly difficult not to. 
  2. I will not be naiive anymore. I will see people for who they are. Regardless if its a romantic connection or family, my sex will not speak for me or define me. That part will be save for the ones who are worthy. My family included. My relationship are in my control, and the most important is my dads. He’s been there for me since day one, forgiving him for the past mistakes. Not the ones who continue to hurt me. In any shape or form, they will not be in the world I am creating.
  3. I will face my past pains…the lost of my unborn child…the tramas I have faced and understand that those experience makes me who I am. Its the strength that I have gained through it. I am human… I am OK. My child is in the arms of God and my ancestors, holding her until I will see her on earth. My comfort is in knowing that. I will remember her on the day that she would have been born..March 25th 2017. My Aries baby. My sweet Genesis. I love you, Angel. 
  4. I will create the emotional stability that I have seek through meanless sex and broken,unavailable men. My children deserves a sure mother. One who secure in my beliefs and ideas. My partner must be the same. With men, they need to meet the needs and treat me like I want to be treated. Women, not to search for the ones who need justification of their sexuality or wants to be a “super hero”. I will be secure in my own strength. In due time, I will meet someone who will compliment me and eventually love me to be around for years to come. I won’t be focused on what others around me lives are playing out. My life is my life, what I make of it will be something of my creation. My next partner will be there for the ride. Encouraging me along the way.
  5. I will be comfortable in being alone. Time is what relationships and time is precious. I know I won’t be alone for long so in the meantime,I will wallow in it. Create life in my dreams and birth beauty. 
  6. I will love ME. ALL of my flaws. My mistakes makes me, me. I will learn from them. I will look in the mirror and love my body. By not sharing it with the next knucklehead who doesn’t see my greatness. I have came too far to be brought down and the year will be proof that I will rise, above it all. With the grace of God and the strength of the heavens. 
  7. I will exert positivity in the universe. No matter how stupid people may feel about it. Positivity is light and that is all God. I am His/Her child. That ITSELF makes me humbled, its time to show that.

Spiritual…

  1. Talked it about more in the last two, however,they do hand and hand. I will strength my faith and relationship with God. Not feel pressured to defined who they are. God and my relationship is just that. The teaching that has been encoded in my life are meet stepping stones. The images that society has created are mind control tools for obidence.God, yes wants obidence… is important however not as a scare tool. God is love. God is a big, muitface entity that I would hug as a teddy bear that runs their hands through my heart like a mother.
  2. I will pray more. Talking to him/her. Whatever the issues is. I will remember that they listen. They aren’t judgemental. They will help,even when I don’t automatically see it. I will know EVERYTHING IS A BLESSING. God is all around. I will have endless faith and hope in ALL things. Believe in the process and know that the outcome will be far as the eye can see. Blessings overwhelming, reminding me to always say Thank You. 

Those areas of my life are areas that all my dreams reside. Creating the belief that they will come true will bring me out of the dark and into the light. I am starting small and the saying goes “you gotta crawl before you walk.”, Reminding me that this my race, the pace that I take is OK, regardless of how fast or slow. All this is my motivation. Life’s path is mine and as long as I am healthy and alive, I will set my feet firmly and walk. With God. With the universe. With a healthier inner- Me.

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Living in the Moment…Crawling towards Change

This year, 2016, has been a year of change. With everything around me, it’s surprising that I hadn’t lost sight of my sanity or my self-worth. However, if i had to be honest with myself, i have absolutely no idea what my self-worth is. Along with that, my identity has been questioned since I was able to recognize differences in myself and my counterparts. At first, I would take features and characteristics that differ from others and heavily sigh, complain at the fact that I wasn’t AS something as someone else. Now, at at the ripe ole age of 27, slowly and ever so surely those ideas are dissolving. I think that I have had enough. Comparing and complaining. Hearing it out loud really feels good, however, have i started to make efforts in changing that? No, not really. I have allowed myself to fall back into old habits, some dangerous and inhibited but that is where my comfort lies, in the chaos. Yet, i am tired. I don’t want the constant tornado that is my life or the choices i have made. Memories haunting me, every moment that a thought crosses my mind; i run with it. Recapping and reliving those moments that gave me the most pleasure.

This past week, like i had said, old habits had somewhat resurfaced with a different face. And name. I found myself on the other end of a horrible realization that the man’s thought process has been the same since the beginning of time. That access is far too great to have, versus availability. MY availability.  I was left with questions as to why this was all happening? Why was that I wanted more out of someone and when it was brought to there attention, an negative reaction ensued? I left all the emotions that angish and heartbreak would have, but not the title. We weren’t boyfriend and girlfriend, we were mere fuckbuddies. And everything that came with it. Only difference was that the whole thing got construed as being “love”. Did i love him, or did i love the sex, lust, raw intimacy with him? That day, i knew the answer yet i wanted to believe that it was, indeed the love that I had been missing for so long.

Now, after feeling like the world was over and there will never be someone in the world who would be anything LIKE him, a voice had a conversation with me. Telling me that i needed to snap out of it and continue to move towards my goals and dreams…How? When all my life, i have been conditioned to care, worry about others and their needs verses my own. I have been putting so many things off in hopes that I will find someone who will ultimately give me what I need. Stability, compassion, romance…three factors in a ever-big equation that is ME. I’m complex and unstable. My desires change like the season and me, eager for someone to meet me at least half way, had been my forefront since i can remember. The youthful times in which everyone around me had their “first” and I wanted to be at the the top of that very line. It never happened. I wasn’t “That One” where academic catapults me into the world of preps and jocks. My athleticism was mistaken for “manly” …I couldn’t win. I wanted to WIN, but everywhere….everyone i turned to or end up wanting to pursue had left me broken down and brokenhearted. Again, i was or am tired.

So I left him and every man who had made me feel like this, go. I didn’t want to feel alone, when they are “physically” here. I didn’t want to be left feeling doubt or disgust for allowing myself to actually FEEL…so i let him go. Them all go. And i felt…empty. For the next few days.

It wasn’t until yesterday that what my dad and everyone around me start to make sense. They had said that what is easy to get isn’t worth having. In hindsight, I knew that yet I wanted to be desire and by any means necessary, i was going to obtain it. Yet, i didn’t. Didn’t plead for him to talk to me. Cry out for him to see me. Pressed him to say the things one who was in love would say. Nothing. NO communication from me. I felt powerful. This maybe the change that I wanted. No sooner did i start to believe that, he texted a simple “hello”. The older scholars were right. As much as I wanted to scream, cry, or even leap for joy over a single text, i didn’t. I let it lay. That felt even better than the foreplay that i was or am accustomed to.

This year, power or inner-power has been a struggle. Trying to muster the strength to push forward has been even harder yet every moment; there is opportunity to get better. To BECOME better. Now, 2017 is the year of transformation. One in which I will let old habits die, along with the feeling of inadequacy. I have begun the process of looking inward. To repair years of hurt. So I can grow and become an actual strong woman. One that I can look at and be proud of the things accomplished with faith. It would be now time to embrace the idea of “Death” and new “Life”. It’s only the 2nd day, 28 days till the 1st. I am sure that within that time, I will open my eyes and see a new world that I, myself can create. One filled with Happiness, love and promise. One that delights in the beauty of all things. To mold myself into a person that the universe has blessed me by allowing me to be…in the moment. In the present. TO build towards the future. I delight in the possibilities that my heart burst in tears of gratitude. Thankful that moments I still have to create and it will all play in my favor. Strength…in turn aids in growth.

 

 

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