I can’t believe it…21 weeks. At this time,I would have been adimit in finding out that you were a girl. However,the signs early on, all told me that you were going to be my first girl. Now, I know,I’d probably hoped for twins but not this time. You were the only one. And boy, was the feeling exciting. I wonder what I would look like now, would I have  bump?( well, seeing that I started to get one around 6 weeks…it would have been obvious) Would I have felt all you’re little movements? Would it have felt like butterflies or a weird contortion out of a sci-fi movie? Nonetheless, I would be rubbing my belly, talking to you, anticipating when I’ll see your angelic face. 

Guilt still floods me when I see new parents. Anger haunts me every time I talk to what would had been your father. To know he would rather choose to put your mother on the back burner, rather than work as a collective, you don’t deserve that baby. You deserve a father who will just dottle over his little girl. Move mountains to ensure your safety. Look into your eyes and reassure you that you have nothing to worry about and that he will be there as you first protector over your little heart. Neither of those things have happen with your unexpected,pending arrival. To feel alone in a decision that I find at times I may have made selfishly, he didn’t share the same feeling. How can I reassure you that he loved you if I can’t even reassure you if the decision  was a responsible one from him? I want to but I swore that I would never lie to my children. Is it cruel? Yes my child it is and it pains me deeply. But you deserve honesty. And I will give it to you as soft as I can possibly. 

My sweet angel, you mean more than life itself to me. You are what people say, “a heart outside of ones body” and I can imagine your sweet smile and your sing-song laugh, filling my heart in cracks that I thought would ever be filled. Ah, the anticipation

I have given you that name that has been sitting on my heart, Genesis Luna Williams. Genesis: The beginning,  the birth of a world that is filled with promise and light. Luna: as beautiful and gracious to see the day, I anticipate the night where the sky is filled by the moons light. Where the endless stars shine so bright, knowing that’s where you reside. My daughter. My fairy amongst the garden of Eden. My delicate water lily on the meadow. I love you.

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