I know, I KNOW it’s been a while since I had blogged anything and personally, i haven’t felt the need to blog or write even. Either way, I have found some sort of energy to free-write what’s been on my head, heart and everywhere in between. The last two weeks, I have revelations after revelations that has shaped my life; possibly for the better, maybe for the worst, either way a change has a occurred. That’s is what life calls for right? Everything in constant change, and either rely on human reaction, blame the adrenaline gland, however you cut it, Change is inevitable.
So…For your reading pleasure, or if that’s what we wanna call it…you’ll be the judge.
Not the type that most people would bask in, fall asleep or even get excited over. Nyctophilas running rapid in this…Darkness. You either face your demons or fall into silence that comes with darkness. Not me. Like a child, where is the nightlight, I had asked myself over and over, being in cell.
That’s all I can recall that night. I had temporarily left my conscience and was unable to regain it back. Which apparently was extremely crucial with everything that was going on.
Within the darkness, I remember heat, feeling it on my face, throughout my body. Ragging. However, That feeling was NOT me. I had made, or so i thought, I had gotten it under control when I left school and enter the real world. Or what is considered, REAL world.
Scenes flash in front of my watery eyes. Broken glass. Yelling. Light, flashing lights of the “fine” officers in town in a place that I once called home. Within hours, I was displaced, disgraced and alone. Alone in a cold cell, wrapped in a green suit in a corner; confused and alone. How did i get here? What happened? What. The. HELL. Happened? I wasn’t supposed to be here. I worked, went to school, stayed out of the trouble channels for this not to happen and yet, the first 2 weeks of the new year, I’m in isolation. Of myself. Of the world.
Facing the possibilities of what my outcome could be if i didn’t conquer my anger. Terminate my hatred. Remove negative behaviors, I was left with the question of “Will it happen again. What IF it happened again?” Recapping times in my youth where anger caused me to blackout. Should i have been grateful at those times? I wish I could have said yes, however, i didn’t. It only created more worry, or doubt. The chaous trails with me, waiting for it not to. Bipolar could care less. Mania sit and waits for that feeling to come again.
Two WHOLE days did i sit and waited for my fate of the Judicial system, only knowing the obvious outcome. A struggling mental health patient, who works a make-ends meet job who happens to be on the low-minority end of the spectrum. I sat….thought and sat…planned and sat…marinated on the hope that the Lord God had given me and Faith that Christ reintroduced to me. These men, reminded me of my life that I can most certainly have, a great one. The enemy only tried to test it out.
I’m not out of the woods, simply knowing that the impending months are still unknown. The channels, however, have given my plan of stability a purpose. Given me a will to live. To tackle this craziness that the year started with, and to end it, giving grace to GOD. The road is long, Bipolar making the roads bumpy or windy; yet, i let it go to God and say, “Heavenly Father, Take the wheel. Jesus, Take the wheel!”
Untill next time…