A lot has transpired in the last month. A lot of reason for me to write and also reason in which the motivation to is not there. Crazy things have happened, and in my mind, i can’t wrap my head around it. The world has now become much more bleaker than the years ago. Why? Because Politics and Religion is what anyone and everyone wants to talk about. Or the fact that my own personal life is in shambles and the trying to find the root of it is simple. I am lost. Yet again. Lost in my own thoughts, enabling me to actually venture out and see what is actually in my town of Lynnwood or even Washington State. I don’t have friends that I can call upon to come to my house and hangout. I am having a very hard time being around my girlfriend, solely since she is in my space and not. She’s here and she not here. I wish i could make sense of it all…but what the one thing that i would to happen is that she will become present. Be active in our relationship instead of being comfortable in where we are. Yes, we have a home. Yes we have everything that we could need but what I need and what she giving is COMPLETELY different.
I had gotten some what i call “Life-Alternating” news, one that changes my perspective about consequences and what can happen when you think that you are invincible. Life has a way of telling you, “Girl, please.” I cried and screamed. Mad at God. The human emotion of hurt and worry. Yet, as my girlfriend for almost a year, she had completely checked out. It’s as though everything around her takes precedence(which work and family does) however, my problems seems like a blimp on the wall. It’s irritating. Frustrating. Making me lose my mind. Making me question what it would be like if we weren’t we. I would like to think that i could handle it, however, I can’t. She’s the other half to my whole. The logic voice in my chaotic world. The reason that I am actually giving a damn about my health instead of chalking it up, allowing it to take course and whatever happens, happens.
That’s not at all my attitude. My attitude it to be better. Be a better me. a better title that i was born with and acquired through the years. Yet, she isn’t giving me that chance to be better. Predicting already the worst outcome, excusing the efforts in which i am trying (I quit cigarettes and trying to stay committed to the plan…hella hard). Giving me a pessimistic view on everything (what the point?). I would like to continue to believe in the whole “better me” routine will eventually stick however, it’s not happening. And the one person in my corner is flipping the script and taking time in and out. I’m losing it…
The one thing I can say for her is that she managed to get my to the library when I don’t want to go myself. However, she irks me. She makes me want to smoke a cigarette. But I love her. Love the hell out of her. Trying to have that feeling of being with out her carry me, however, how far will be it until I, too, check out of everything, including us?
Over and out,