So today, like many days, started….well…a bit off. My gf and I had a talk about what was currently going on in our relationship, and the concerns that I had with regards to it. In the past month, a lot had happened between us in our own individual lives and, looking at it, we haven’t gotten back to us. We have been both stressed out and it looks like we don’t have anywhere to turn with regards to having someone to talk to….We only have each other, and some of things that we want to talk to others about, we haven’t gotten to. Me, it’s solely because I’m vulnerable. Or maybe because I don’t know how to handle anything or everything that is currently happening in my life. Probably the same for my girl, maybe worst, however, trying to cohabitate and be a couple has falling way back on the right burner.
She had told me that I needed to look for work to help out with the house. Now, ladies and Gentleman, it’s not like I haven’t been looking. I have, in the area in which I could only hope will allow me to progress in the career, however no avail. So now, I am going to means of getting a job that teenagers and young adults should be getting. Now, it’s not pride, AT ALL, since I have done these jobs for years, it’s the fact that I know that this is only job that will hire me. That is depressing. Extremely depressing. I don’t know what I can do to make myself marketable when there is so many things, in my head, that will prevent me from doing the best job I can. I have shown up to work in tears because I can’t believe that I am where I may have been. I am mad because I have to work with publics that will constantly judge me. I know, you can’t please everyone, I am supposed to suck it up and go with it. I can’t. Myself won’t allow the constant disrespect that companies have for employees. I can’t smile in people face when they are being downright rude. I have no filter and at times, it gets me into hot water.Who knows what emotion will i feel at the time of work. BUT, my girlfriend doesn’t understand that, she needs me to help. I want to.
At times, it makes me mad since orginally when we started, i felt that I was going to be well taken care of. That I wouldn’t have to worry about anything but that, over time, had changed. We decided to conhabitate. We decided to move to Washington, since ultimately, that’s her job that is located up here. Not me. I would had rather stayed in the city. If it wasn’t so dangerous or that I had made it so.
Now, News of my health had shaken our relationship and she had changed. Which isn’t good for me. I need consistency. I need strength of someone who will be able to give me strength. She hasn’t given me that feeling. She changed. I didn’t want that. I wanted what are WE going to do now?
It’s apparent that we are at a rocky road, I, however, been here before. Questioning the reasons to keep going with this relationship with her. I am not a quitter. I love her. Yet, I need emotional support and she checked out. What am I supposed to do?
Back to looking for work….I am. In places, in which I know will possibly get me a interview. and maybe a job. Yet, Who knows how long I will be at that place before I get myself fired or I quit.
Over and out