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*Forever Free*

Through the browns of her eyes, she sees wonders

Month

October 2015

Losing…all…of…It…

Hey folks,

So today, like many days, started….well…a bit off. My gf and I had a talk about what was currently going on in our relationship, and the concerns that I had with regards to it. In the past month, a lot had happened between us in our own individual lives and, looking at it, we haven’t gotten back to us. We have been both stressed out and it looks like we don’t have anywhere to turn with regards to having someone to talk to….We only have each other, and some of things that we want to talk to others about, we haven’t gotten to. Me, it’s solely because I’m vulnerable. Or maybe because I don’t know how to handle anything or everything that is currently happening in my life. Probably the same for my girl, maybe worst, however, trying to cohabitate and be a couple has falling way back on the right burner.

She had told me that I needed to look for work to help out with the house. Now, ladies and Gentleman, it’s not like I haven’t been looking. I have, in the area in which I could only hope will allow me to progress in the career, however no avail. So now, I am going to means of getting a job that teenagers and young adults should be getting. Now, it’s not pride, AT ALL, since I have done these jobs for years, it’s the fact that I know that this is only job that will hire me. That is depressing. Extremely depressing. I don’t know what I can do to make myself marketable when there is so many things, in my head, that will prevent me from doing the best job I can. I have shown up to work in tears because I can’t believe that I am where I may have been. I am mad because I have to work with publics that will constantly judge me. I know, you can’t please everyone, I am supposed to suck it up and go with it. I can’t. Myself won’t allow the constant disrespect that companies have for employees. I can’t smile in people face when they are being downright rude. I have no filter and at times, it gets me into hot water.Who knows what emotion will i feel at the time of work. BUT, my girlfriend doesn’t understand that, she needs me to help. I want to.

At times, it makes me mad since orginally when we started, i felt that I was going to be well taken care of. That I wouldn’t have to worry about anything but that, over time, had changed. We decided to conhabitate. We decided to move to Washington, since ultimately, that’s her job that is located up here. Not me. I would had rather stayed in the city. If it wasn’t so dangerous or that I had made it so.

Now, News of my health had shaken our relationship and she had changed. Which isn’t good for me. I need consistency. I need strength of someone who will be able to give me strength. She hasn’t given me that feeling. She changed. I didn’t want that. I wanted what are WE going to do now?

It’s apparent that we are at a rocky road, I, however, been here before. Questioning the reasons to keep going with this relationship with her. I am not a quitter. I love her. Yet, I need emotional support and she checked out. What am I supposed to do?

Back to looking for work….I am. In places, in which I know will possibly get me a interview. and maybe a job. Yet, Who knows how long I will be at that place before I get myself fired or I quit.

Over and out

Jay

You Can Only Try Right!?

Hey folks,

A lot has transpired in the last month. A lot of reason for me to write and also reason in which the motivation to is not there. Crazy things have happened, and in my mind, i can’t wrap my head around it. The world has now become much more bleaker than the years ago. Why? Because Politics and Religion is what anyone and everyone wants to talk about. Or the fact that my own personal life is in shambles and the trying to find the root of it is simple. I am lost. Yet again. Lost in my own thoughts, enabling me to actually venture out and see what is actually in my town of Lynnwood or even Washington State. I don’t have friends that I can call upon to come to my house and hangout. I am having a very hard time being around my girlfriend, solely since she is in my space and not. She’s here and she not here. I wish i could make sense of it all…but what the one thing that i would to happen is that she will become present. Be active in our relationship instead of being comfortable in where we are. Yes, we have a home. Yes we have everything that we could need but what I need and what she giving is COMPLETELY different.

I had gotten some what i call “Life-Alternating” news, one that changes my perspective about consequences and what can happen when you think that you are invincible. Life has a way of telling you, “Girl, please.” I cried and screamed. Mad at God. The human emotion of hurt and worry. Yet, as my girlfriend for almost a year, she had completely checked out. It’s as though everything around her takes precedence(which work and family does) however, my problems seems like a blimp on the wall. It’s irritating. Frustrating. Making me lose my mind. Making me question what it would be like if we weren’t we. I would like to think that i could handle it, however, I can’t. She’s the other half to my whole. The logic voice in my chaotic world. The reason that I am actually giving a damn about my health instead of chalking it up, allowing it to take course and whatever happens, happens.

That’s not at all my attitude. My attitude it to be better. Be a better me. a better title that i was born with and acquired through the years. Yet, she isn’t giving me that chance to be better. Predicting already the worst outcome, excusing the efforts in which i am trying (I quit cigarettes and trying to stay committed to the plan…hella hard). Giving me a pessimistic view on everything (what the point?). I would like to continue to believe in the whole “better me” routine will eventually stick however, it’s not happening. And the one person in my corner is flipping the script and taking time in and out. I’m losing it…

The one thing I can say for her is that she managed to get my to the library when I don’t want to go myself. However, she irks me. She makes me want to smoke a cigarette. But I love her. Love the hell out of her. Trying to have that feeling of being with out her carry me, however, how far will be it until I, too, check out of everything, including us?

Over and out,

Jay

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