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*Forever Free*

Through the browns of her eyes, she sees wonders

Month

September 2015

Tuesday’s Gone… With The Wind

Hey folks,

Today couldn’t have started off extremely…i guess you can say Off only because right now, i can’t find a better word to describe it. It started yesturday with the heated debate of the current politics and the Media’s influences on popular opinion. With me and girlfriend and what I can say is this… that the following situation conclusion resulted to the awkwardness of this morning. Quite possibly earlier than that but this morning is when I actually noticed.

The discussion started with the HIV virus and how it got into the United States. Many theories as to how have been across the board as history has shown. Now being taught biology, I knew how however, I like to play Devils Advocate. Well, My girl proceeded to tell me how, debating that it wasn’t a disease that was made in the laboratory somewhere that the government funds. (Disclaimer: I wasn’t necessarily in the right state of mind, when it came to emotions however her being extremely “hype”,translated to her screaming at me, in which my emotion of anger came to the forefront). Later going to the grocery store, we had to get items for dinner, which her very presents irritated me. Now, that’s not wasn’t the tip of the iceberg…

The tip of the iceberg was the talk of politics. Her belief that Donald-Fucking-Trump is going to be the next president. Since he had his face on Time Magazine.

“Every president runner has been on the cover of TIME.”

“I don’t think so. If the Minority vote is the Majority and minority vote meaning people middle low-class, and lately people of color, He’s not going to be president.”

That statement alone, open a wormhole of race conversation. Now, I don’t like politics since my personal belief is that it’s a corrupted well-oiled machine that is meant to keep the rich, richer and the poor, poorer. However, I voiced that if Trump was to go to office, I’d start thinking about relocating since America would be going through years of unfairness with no positive end in sight. Along with that, people in power will just go…power crazy. That scares me.

There was a time that I saw people as who they were…people. Now, with Media mainstreaming everything possibly wrong that is occurring right now, it’s as though now the world is Black and White. That the fight for justice and equality isn’t something that was fought for in the 60’s. I have been around various array of people and that at a time; it gave me solace. Now, I’m scared of everyone around me. Not sure where people minds are and seeing that we as Americans are constantly in front of the TV, on our devices, I am scared that “tolerance and acceptance” is being erased completely. I seek to find people who are like-minded in the fight. However, everywhere around me, I see judgement. I feel it in my bones. I can’t even walk down the street without averting my eyes down.

I have lost security in the country that i was born in…or so I feel that I have. I don’t believe that every person is out to hurt me. Not every white person is passing judgement or is a racist. Why? I was raised in a multicultural bubble, one that didn’t see difference but acceptance. My best friends are White, or Hispanic, Or Black. That’s the way that I like it. Yet, my mind reverts to my white friends, asking “Are they friends with me because I am the “token black girl?” “What part of the argument are they REALLY on?” Call it paranoia, call it doubt,yet that question comes in waves. Passing…making me wonder or change my overall mood. In yesterdays case, changed me my WHOLE damn mood. When voicing how i was feeling, my girlfriend looked and acted that I had 3 heads and spat out green sludge with every word I had said.

“I don’t see people like that and that’s where we are going to end the conversation.”

Um, no! Now, I don’t know if i was egging her on, or my inquiry was getting the best of me, trying to understand how she couldn’t see, as a colored lesbian woman see the possible fear. That same thought followed us up into the apartment and continued. I kept asking questions, in disbelief of some of her thoughts…

“You’re head can’t be that far up in the clouds for you not to be scared.”

“I’m not. As long as it doesn’t affect me or come to my doorstep than I have nothing to worry about.”

I wish I had her mindset yet, I didn’t….I was/am scared for the future of my country. Putting faith in my counterparts never played out in a positive way. Who was I supposed to trust with my safety, my government? When they are gunning down innocent people? Or simply don’t like me simply because of something I had no control over.

What it boils down to or what my girlfriend believes is that I should live life and that I am in an area that doesn’t “have that problem” How does she know that? She works at a job where the amount of people of color is a small percentage.

“Live life and be good. That’s what I’m doing” she said

That approach tilted my anger to the point that i went into our small living room and I vegged. Trying to calm down my nerves because she had managed to ignited every last one of them. Further interfering with my “routine” with putting groceries away and start groceries. This woman was short of being thrown out the window. Later feeding, smoking and ended with her going to bed while I watched the Gambler. Steamed.

It was an awkward morning when she had woke up. Starting with “I’m working late tonight. Don’t cook dinner for me.” Noting the energy of “Fuck you, fuck you and later fuck you some more”, I followed with childish rhetoric. Some truth to it (I have no idea what to make), however, but I exert the same “fuck you too, asshole” right back. She did give me a soft kiss before heading out to work but in all, we are still mad. Not sure at each other. I can say for myself, I’m mad because I don’t understand her logic. These carefree breeze of a walk through of life attitude she has. Though I do envy that so much about her, since I am the one who mind constantly wanders and worries, I just didn’t’ see…how…with everything that has happened this year….and I still don’t.

Over and Out

Jay

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Grr.

Hey folks,

Today…eh…I am feeling unmotivated. Yet,I am pushing. With little effort. Which frustrates me. My arms are sore. I am not as flexible as I had thought that doing poses, makes me fusturated. I did a small routine,possibly 8 mins. But I not anymore calmer or in a positive mindset. The weather has been back and forth with rain and sun. So I’m opted Day 2 of running till tomorrow.

Its a short entry but I keeps me updated on what my mind is feeling and it officially shut down.

Jay

Day One of Change

Hey folks,

This entry is for anyone actually however it’s a mental starting mark for me to change.  Change my thoughts,feelings and actions. Meeting goals that I want to achieve so I can look back and be proud of how far I have came. With that said,there will be two entries, so…

September 1st:
I got up at 6 with my hunny, got her ready for work. Washed dishes and made coffee. Got a little morning delight. Smoked a bowl. Turned on the tv. Then went into yoga. For 20 mind tentively. Meditated for 9 mins and 58 seconds when the goal is 10. All my thoughts we’re about plans today, mentioning my weeks mantra “I can do this”(meaning I can change. I can take it slow. I can achieve anything I put my mind to it. I can push past the negative. I can do this,for a better,longer life for me and my future family). Talked to God, thanking him for everything he’s done. Praying that he gives me strength on this new and scary journey. Thank you father! And now recapping the beginning of the morning. Through writing.

Plans for today…work out…library… and laundry. Another session of yoga/meditation tonight.

End for now…8:04am

Evening:
Went running, did laundry, and a night yoga before the hunny came home.

Marriage is a Joke!

Hello folks,

Today is hard solely because I’m supposed to be quitting smoking (cigarettes ) and then going onto social media, being in the house all day(on my own accord), I am losing it.

My ex-gf moments ago put up a new engagement and I wanted to barf. Now, I’m not at all jealous. I mean, why should I be? I am happy in my own relationship. What baffles me is that she just reconnected and rekindled their relationship a week prior to me flying down to Pa this past July. To now claim to marry her?!What the hell?

Now,I had been telling her to take her time and slow down. Nope. Nope. Nope. The very same advice, she let fall on deaf ears. Why again,I ask would you get on board with marriage when you just left the girl in the cold. Further,encourage her to see past her girls exterior and yet,nothing.

Marriage now,I feel is a joke. Everyone and anyone can take the sanctity of marriage,define it themselves (no matter how wrong) and bam, bring on the rice. Ugh!

I swear today couldn’t make me feel like I’m either going crazy or madness. Mad at everything for no reason. I want to continue to pinch holes into her relationship but hell, it’s her life. Shall I watch this inevitable trainwreak that will later lead down that divorce trail? Why can people take those things like getting hitch serious.

Thinking maybe it’s me, my feelings of treading along while others are running by. Why,why,uggghhhh why? I wish I didn’t compare everything to my life but it happens.

Jay

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