So, OK, I have been trying to get into some routine. To get a sense of normality however at times I hit a mental wall. I don’t believe it’s laziness, it’s “what’s the point?” Or “it’s not going to make a difference?” negative talk. Now, I wanna push hard past this wall,especially WANTING so bad to create a routine. I was raised on constant routine. That kept me sane. Somewhere in time and transitioning, I lost that. Now, I wanna gain that back. So I wanted to do more things like meditation and yoga. Those two on a list of things that I want to later become skilled in. Today, however something compelled me to do yoga. Now, I have had this thought or obsessive idea that I need to be in a class-like environment to create this yoga routine. I have done constant research on how to get started. What poses I want to master. And somehow,I had grown the idea that I can’t do it. Its takes too much time…then I stopped. Stopped trying. Today, I let my body do the talking and I found that I was shaking in positions that I wouldn’t be or stretches I wasn’t as flexible as I once was. Yet,I didn’t let that stop me, I was listening to this inner voice that was speaking so much louder than before. I thought back to the trip, when people asked me what I was doing and I was mentioning yoga and mediating. All in which I wasn’t doing. I was lying to myself and I was/am tired of it. So I pushed passed the shaking and told myself, “it is the first day of many, It’ll pass and this won’t be a problem”. The energy called for it, my body wanted it. That was beautiful, a new side that I was seeing.
After I felt done with yoga,I changed the station on Pandora and I meditated. Closed my eyes and my mental voice was much clearer. She spoke of every thought that came across my mind. Telling myself not to worry that I set a goal to do 20 mins. Just telling myself what still needed to be done around the house, before the phone interview tomorrow, how prepare I would like to be. She was encouraging, that today can be one of many, depending on how badly I want it to become apart of my life. My livelihood. My existence. That I want to be the woman that is tatted on my arm. Before I knew it, I went back to my phone after the commercial came on the radio and it said “6:57” left from the 20 I had set. 14mins…that’s a good place to start.
My mental voice which I call her “Sky”, I envision what she would be like. A 70’s hippy. Calm. Positive. A woman who would be equivalent to Cree Summers on the sitcom “A Different World. ” I would like to become just a 1/3 of what she stands for. Yet…I am striving, to become a woman that sees the world for what it is, a place filled with positivity and love. Adapting old Buddhist views and Christian ideas. Merging it to what I believe life is when it comes to spirituality.
In all, this may not all make sense however it’s “sky”having a voice,knowing that writing is one of my favorite things to do, and what I want to improve with. SO I’ll call this Day one… we’ll continue taking this a day at a time. Hour by hour.
I gotta get to big lots and the supermarket to get a few remaining things for the house.
Over and out,✌👈they do come in handy😂,