Currently I am sitting at the 30th street station, waiting to aboard the train to reunite with my best friend and sister of almost 20 years and I had missed the train. I have been in panic mode all DAMN day, starting with accidentally locking myself out of my aunts house while I was watching my one year old cousin. She still learning to walk and was in the walker before I rushed out to allow my cousin,her aunt came in. And far from harm. But all I could think is, “Jesus, there is baby upstairs alone. I fucking suck at this.” Further coming out to my neighbors jokingly saying, “I’ll never have you babysit my kids.”
The last time I babysat a child, that young was in 6th grade as a summer activity the school I went to held. And the child was plastic. Zynia isn’t plastic and here I am, fucking up simply because my mind goes a mile a min with so many thoughts, that small things like grabbing keys, just in case. It beat me up so bad, that I sprinted up the stairs. And there she was, squealing and babbling like nothing happened. She was OK. And I was not. Even feeding,changing, playing with her…I still harbored on the feeling of me fucking up.
Shortly after, my best friend tells me my train toward reuniting with her left at 6:42. While I just told my cousin,zynia’s father, i could watch her a little longer,i had implied for him to be back by 7.
Shit… that’s cutting close…OK. If he gets back my 6:10,I’ll be OK.
Nope, he comes back at 6:20. I power walked from 16th and Mt.Vernon to the Broad Street train to get to 30th street station. If time wasn’t already against me…
By that time,I made it, it was 6:50 and I had already missed my train. Panic attack ensued. I do NOT like being late more have my friend/sister waiting. I went up to the teller and she was kind enough to schedule me for a later train. Trying not to cry since everything hadn’t gone well that day, well meaning,time and how events had played out,it was a fail. I feel like I failed. Self-ridicule continue to occur until I went to Subway.
An older white man, who was homeless asked me if I had money to get him something to eat and at first I said no. Usually I would ignore them, however,I at times find myself answering back. A change of heart happened and I ended up summoning him back and brought him a sandwich which became a meal. The men behind the counter apparently knew this man and the fact he’s came to this store often,he asked me “why are you doing this?”
Now with the events that have been happening this year, I have be pulled in directions so new to me with regards to race and social class. I have been raised around every color known to man. My own family would be considered the melting pot however now,people are killing innocent people based on color,appalls me. Out forefathers worked so hard for change to happen and now, in 2015, we have taken steps back, in fear of history repeating itself. Why was I feeding a man that history shows would rather give me scraps and work 10× harder to get only HALF of what “they” have? Now,I suppose I adapted MLK mentality of peace however I also believe in Malcolm X “by any means necessary”. I can not punish every white person because of what their ancestors have done, I can only go with what the current ideas are. Are you the side of peace or resistance?. I give everyone the benefit of the doubt. And this man, was no different than my fellow brothers and sisters who are struggling. Knowning that,only makes me embrace you as a human. Not as a white man.
I am lover of all people. I can’t see anything else,however,I will fight for justice. Peace. Understanding. Equality. Thats what leaders like MLK, Budda, Jesus himself strive to achieve.
Now, separating what I was currently going through at the time with a series of misfortunate events,I find a small joy feeding someone else that wasn’t my own hunger. So he thanked me, as I said your welcome and before I left to wait for my train, I answered, “It’s the least I can do.”
Change for the greater good is what I want to achieve. Why not it start with self-less act. That man won’t know that the money I had was my last, or I,myself hadn’t eaten all day but my heart was fed and my soul smiled. That itself left me full. Of endless possibilities and hope for a better tomorrow.
Over and out,
Ps. This happened a few weeks ago, just hadn’t finished writing what all happened. Hey, a girl had a lot going on. 😂