Search

*Forever Free*

Through the browns of her eyes, she sees wonders

Month

August 2015

In the world of NO’s….

Hey folks,

Today’s entry is a sad, dreadful one.

I have officially given up. Tired, so very tired of getting turned down for damn near everything that I put all my energy in. I know, I know, the various saying of perseverance. “When one door closes, another opens” “If all the doors close, there is a window open somewhere.””God won’t get you something you can’t handle”…blah, blah, fucking blah. I am really not trying to hear it.

Does anyone have any idea how HARD it is to push through every mental barrier, one of doubt or regret JUST to have those feelings validated. It completely sucks and furthermore, your mind goes into a fast, downward slope to self-hatred and worthlessness. Oh sweet joys of being Bipolar.

I have written goals and when the one goal is not achieved due to whatever reasons they may have as to why they didn’t hire me, accept my application or whatever prohibits me to get a job, I see it as a sign. I don’t know what other skills can i acquire to make myself marketable. I don’t know what careers are out there that won’t require me in a business suit and making someone else wealthy. And as far as I’m concern, Screw it. Screw trying. I can’t possibly take another no, and me feeling like i am not at all good enough. Tired of pushing, only to get pushed FURTHER back.

I have been finding mediocre jobs since I graduated from college, none lasted long or even better, lead me to a promising future. Just another employment history. Working jobs that I shouldn’t be working since i have “credentials” In fucking what?! That I wasted 4 years to be here, struggling to find a job or hell, direction into a promising future. NOTHING…ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Still Jobless, Still directionless. And now, no motivation. I can’t shake it. This grey cloud surrounding me. IF this is karma for whatever wrongdoing that i have done in years this is response, “Ok, Karma, I’m sorry. I was dumb and I am learning. But please, let up.”

A small part of me thinks that i’m being laughed at. Someone somewhere is rejoicing in my misery. I know it’s a mind game that is yet being played and adding to the various tricks it creates. Yet, it’s not help. Not in the slightest.

I can’t wish for someone to discover me, make me famous and bam, fortune will come. It doesn’t happen when you are so private. And that is the very same way expressing my frustration…my anger…my defeat. That unwaveringly faith I have is waved. I can’t talk to my girlfriend, since the first thing i want to do is push her away. The mere presents of her, makes me wanna scream. FOR ABSOLUTELY NO REASON. She hasn’t done anything wrong, yet, in my head, she is badgering me. Waiting for me to get a job so she won’t be stressed. Her failure of a girlfriend.

So, sigh, I’m here. Typing it all out, to a community that is quiet. NO one will hear me. One because I haven’t make this public and two, who really gives a damn!? Thats where my small hope lies, that someone, ANYONE would read my things and tell me to keep going. That hasn’t happened, other than my girlfriend. Only people recall me writing younger but they haven’t read anything current. I haven’t let them in. Since a lot has changed, experiences have been had. Not. At. All. sure how it would be taken.

Confidence in myself…out the door. The will to push on…burned in an inferno. And I’m simply here. Hating the corporate world or the idea of jobs all together, wishing on a shooting star that a sign will be shown. A door will open, or a path will be cleared enough for me to see pass this never-ending shit storm.

Again, Sad…Pathetic post however it is what it is…and who actually reading it, right!?

Jay

Advertisements

Thoughts before Hempfest 2015…

Hey folks,

Today, I actually took a step and wrote down my goals and writing them, made me feel excited and overwhelmed. There are so many things I want to, goals to accomplish however I feel my mind going over the “What if” “But” or “However” pessimistic side of thinking. Sure a lot of goals that I have, i would need to pay for services (Yoga classes, art lessons, school…) yet, i had taken a microscopic step towards the right direction to achieve these goals. For one, i’m writing more, or anything that compels me to write. Right now, i am compelled to write to see not only what I actually think about what I have done or doing but strive to improve in writing, period. This gives me excitement, little excitement, but excitement nonetheless.

I’m at the library right now, for two hours, and all i’m thinking about is finishing this application to get health insurance. Going on the website, however, tells me that I would need to wait till Monday. I have an interview at a dispensary and this is the one job I had always wanted. Anxious to go into the interview and slam dunk it. I mean, I know A LOT about Marijuana and i wanna pass down my knowledge to others to educate them and change this preconceived idea that it’s a drug. It’s only a drug since the government want to continue their mind control device called “fear”. I only wish my mom would have benefited from it. I know if she had learned more, she may or may not been here. If the end result was still death, at LEAST i would have had more time with her. Who wouldn’t want more time with their loved one?

There is Hempfest in town and i am supposed to be going. I’m killing time since a) my girlfriend is working and b)I don’t want to go by myself. I am going for learning more about the industry and may way in networking, possibly. I do see myself opening one, similar to California, The Green Door but something much smaller. You know, gotta start small. I don’t see it as a glorified job, its one that brings back jobs to the common, neighbor next door people. One who wanna branch from the restraints of corporate America and the pharmaceuticals but wanna bring back herbal medicine on the market. Marking their own rules and extending the quality of life. It’s frown upon because it’s not understood. I am thankful I come from a background where family and friends see the positives it does have in regards to their own lives and in others that can benefit. Me, personally, I don’t know what i would do without it. It keeps me leveled, at times, more clear-headed when it comes to making decisions. I am not high-strung as I am usually and I am always wanting food when I don’t even have the appetite for it. I can only see what other benefits it does, and I wanna know what direction it’s going in the world.

Sigh, at least i can say I did do something in the direction of my goals…I’ll make it to Hempfest but right now, just killing time, clearing the thoughts riding on a 20 mph train by putting it on paper, well this case, blogging about it.

Over and out,

Jay

Notes to self..when your inner voice speaks

Hey folks,

So, OK, I have been trying to get into some routine. To get a sense of normality however at times I hit a mental wall. I don’t believe it’s laziness, it’s “what’s the point?” Or “it’s not going to make a difference?” negative talk. Now, I wanna push hard past this wall,especially WANTING so bad to create a routine. I was raised on constant routine. That kept me sane. Somewhere in time and transitioning, I lost that.  Now, I wanna gain that back. So I wanted to do more things like meditation and yoga. Those two on a list of things that I want to later become skilled in. Today, however something compelled me to do yoga. Now, I have had this thought or obsessive idea that I need to be in a class-like environment to create this yoga routine. I have done constant research on how to get started. What poses I want to master. And somehow,I had grown the idea that I can’t do it. Its takes too much time…then I stopped. Stopped trying. Today, I let my body do the talking and I found that I was shaking in positions that I wouldn’t be or stretches I wasn’t as flexible as I once was. Yet,I didn’t let that stop me, I was listening to this inner voice that was speaking so much louder than before.  I thought back to the trip, when people asked me what I was doing and I was mentioning yoga and mediating.  All in which I wasn’t doing. I was lying to myself and I was/am tired of it. So I pushed passed the shaking and told myself, “it is the first day of many, It’ll pass and this won’t be a problem”. The energy called for it, my body wanted it. That was beautiful,  a new side that I was seeing.

After I felt done with yoga,I changed the station on Pandora and I meditated. Closed my eyes and my mental voice was much clearer. She spoke of every thought that came across my mind. Telling myself not to worry that I set a goal to do 20 mins. Just telling myself what still needed to be done around the house, before the phone interview tomorrow, how prepare I would like to be.  She was encouraging, that today can be one of many, depending on how badly I want it to become apart of my life. My livelihood.  My existence.  That I want to be the woman that is tatted on my arm. Before I knew it, I went back to my phone after the commercial came on the radio and it said “6:57” left from the 20 I had set. 14mins…that’s a good place to start.

My mental voice which I call her “Sky”, I envision what she would be like. A 70’s hippy. Calm. Positive. A woman who would be equivalent to Cree Summers on the sitcom  “A Different World. ” I would like to become just a 1/3 of what she stands for. Yet…I am striving, to become a woman that sees the world for what it is, a place filled with positivity and love. Adapting old Buddhist views and Christian ideas. Merging it to what I believe life is when it comes to spirituality.

In all, this may not all make sense however it’s “sky”having a voice,knowing that writing is one of my favorite things to do, and what I want to improve with. SO I’ll call this Day one… we’ll continue taking this a day at a time. Hour by hour.

I gotta get to big lots and the supermarket to get a few remaining things for the house.

Over and out,✌👈they do come in handy😂,

Jay

Be the change you wanna see in this world

Hey folks,

Currently I am sitting at the 30th street station, waiting to aboard the train to reunite with my best friend and sister of almost 20 years and I had missed the train. I have been in panic mode all DAMN day, starting with accidentally locking myself out of my aunts house while I was watching my one year old cousin.  She still learning to walk and was in the walker before I rushed out to allow my cousin,her aunt came in. And far from harm. But all I could think is, “Jesus, there is baby upstairs alone. I fucking suck at this.” Further coming out to my neighbors jokingly saying, “I’ll never have you babysit my kids.”

The last time I babysat a child, that young was in 6th grade as a summer activity the school I went to held. And the child was plastic. Zynia isn’t plastic and here I am, fucking up simply because my mind goes a mile a min with so many thoughts, that small things like grabbing keys, just in case. It beat me up so bad, that I sprinted up the stairs. And there she was, squealing and babbling like nothing happened. She was OK. And I was not.  Even feeding,changing, playing with her…I still harbored on the feeling of me  fucking up.

Shortly after, my best friend tells me my train toward reuniting with her left at 6:42. While I just told my cousin,zynia’s father, i could watch her a little longer,i had implied for him to be back by 7.

Shit… that’s cutting close…OK. If he gets back my 6:10,I’ll be OK.

Nope, he comes back at 6:20. I power walked from 16th and Mt.Vernon to the Broad Street train to get to 30th street station. If time wasn’t already against me…

By that time,I made it, it was 6:50 and I had already missed my train. Panic attack ensued. I do NOT like being late more have my friend/sister waiting. I went up to the teller and she was kind enough to schedule me for a later train. Trying not to cry since everything hadn’t gone well that day, well meaning,time and how events had played out,it was a fail. I feel like I failed. Self-ridicule continue to occur until I went to Subway.

An older white man, who was homeless asked me if I had money to get him something to eat and at first I said no. Usually I would ignore them, however,I at times find myself answering back. A change of heart happened and I ended up summoning him back and brought him a sandwich which became a meal. The men behind the counter apparently knew this man and the fact he’s came to this store  often,he asked me “why  are you doing this?”

Now with the events that have been happening this year, I have be pulled in directions so new to me with regards to race and social class. I have been raised around every color known to man. My own family would be considered the melting pot however now,people are killing innocent people based on color,appalls me. Out forefathers worked so hard for change to happen and now, in 2015, we have taken steps back, in fear of history repeating itself. Why  was I feeding a man that history shows would rather give me scraps and work 10× harder to get only HALF of what “they” have? Now,I suppose I adapted MLK mentality of peace however I also believe in Malcolm X “by any means necessary”. I can not punish every white person because of what their ancestors have done, I can only go with what the current ideas are. Are you the side of peace or resistance?. I give everyone the benefit of the doubt. And this man, was no different than my fellow brothers and sisters who are struggling. Knowning that,only makes me embrace you as a human. Not as a white man.

I am lover of all people. I can’t see anything else,however,I will fight for justice. Peace. Understanding. Equality.  Thats what leaders like MLK, Budda, Jesus himself strive to achieve.

Now, separating what I was currently going through at the time with a series of misfortunate events,I find a small joy feeding someone else that wasn’t my own hunger. So he thanked me, as I said your welcome and before I left to wait for my train, I answered, “It’s the least I can do.”

Change for the greater good is what I want to achieve. Why not it start with self-less act. That man won’t know that the money I had was my last, or I,myself hadn’t eaten all day but my heart was fed and my soul smiled. That itself left me full. Of endless possibilities and hope for a better tomorrow.

Over and out,
Jay

Ps. This happened a few weeks ago, just hadn’t finished writing what all happened. Hey, a girl had a lot going on. 😂

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑