Today’s entry is a sad, dreadful one.
I have officially given up. Tired, so very tired of getting turned down for damn near everything that I put all my energy in. I know, I know, the various saying of perseverance. “When one door closes, another opens” “If all the doors close, there is a window open somewhere.””God won’t get you something you can’t handle”…blah, blah, fucking blah. I am really not trying to hear it.
Does anyone have any idea how HARD it is to push through every mental barrier, one of doubt or regret JUST to have those feelings validated. It completely sucks and furthermore, your mind goes into a fast, downward slope to self-hatred and worthlessness. Oh sweet joys of being Bipolar.
I have written goals and when the one goal is not achieved due to whatever reasons they may have as to why they didn’t hire me, accept my application or whatever prohibits me to get a job, I see it as a sign. I don’t know what other skills can i acquire to make myself marketable. I don’t know what careers are out there that won’t require me in a business suit and making someone else wealthy. And as far as I’m concern, Screw it. Screw trying. I can’t possibly take another no, and me feeling like i am not at all good enough. Tired of pushing, only to get pushed FURTHER back.
I have been finding mediocre jobs since I graduated from college, none lasted long or even better, lead me to a promising future. Just another employment history. Working jobs that I shouldn’t be working since i have “credentials” In fucking what?! That I wasted 4 years to be here, struggling to find a job or hell, direction into a promising future. NOTHING…ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Still Jobless, Still directionless. And now, no motivation. I can’t shake it. This grey cloud surrounding me. IF this is karma for whatever wrongdoing that i have done in years this is response, “Ok, Karma, I’m sorry. I was dumb and I am learning. But please, let up.”
A small part of me thinks that i’m being laughed at. Someone somewhere is rejoicing in my misery. I know it’s a mind game that is yet being played and adding to the various tricks it creates. Yet, it’s not help. Not in the slightest.
I can’t wish for someone to discover me, make me famous and bam, fortune will come. It doesn’t happen when you are so private. And that is the very same way expressing my frustration…my anger…my defeat. That unwaveringly faith I have is waved. I can’t talk to my girlfriend, since the first thing i want to do is push her away. The mere presents of her, makes me wanna scream. FOR ABSOLUTELY NO REASON. She hasn’t done anything wrong, yet, in my head, she is badgering me. Waiting for me to get a job so she won’t be stressed. Her failure of a girlfriend.
So, sigh, I’m here. Typing it all out, to a community that is quiet. NO one will hear me. One because I haven’t make this public and two, who really gives a damn!? Thats where my small hope lies, that someone, ANYONE would read my things and tell me to keep going. That hasn’t happened, other than my girlfriend. Only people recall me writing younger but they haven’t read anything current. I haven’t let them in. Since a lot has changed, experiences have been had. Not. At. All. sure how it would be taken.
Confidence in myself…out the door. The will to push on…burned in an inferno. And I’m simply here. Hating the corporate world or the idea of jobs all together, wishing on a shooting star that a sign will be shown. A door will open, or a path will be cleared enough for me to see pass this never-ending shit storm.
Again, Sad…Pathetic post however it is what it is…and who actually reading it, right!?