Today, I sat with my favorite aunt, however saying “favorite” in the eyes of a niece, it means the advice is given;regardless her advice is usually what I need/crave to hear, it sometimes is a cruel reminder.
This trip has been one of many lessons. Choices have been made yet, out there, there are still choices to be made along the way. Even now, a question presented itself… “Why did I even come home?”
I ran…so far away from Philadelphia and Pennsylvania that I have been asked “Why I ever leave?” I left,because of her. Because of my step-mother. My fathers girlfriend of ten plus years. She has weaseled, picked and chiseled, into my fathers mind. Making it forever a weak one. For 14 years,this woman broke me, spit fire into my subconscious that now,I doubt myself. In everything in life. What I want to do in THIS life. Because of her evil-ness…one that is conjure from the brimstone of hell itself. How can a woman want to believe that there is competition… a blood daughter and a piece of ass. Where is it?
I never grew up around my father. I was placed into a boarding school. No fatherly figure other than the one that housed me, and even then, I was at war. Needless to say, I would classify that relationship as “friends”. However, I wanted a close relationship with him. Past tense. Now, I don’t see that working. Because of HER. That rattlesnake in the grass.
Fast forward,I am sitting with my aunt and she tells me that I need to sit down, write little goals and start to build towards the dream life that my grandmother had wanted to me have. Along with her asking,”why do you allow that woman to make you feel…”
I have allowed to come up with the thought that we are a family. SHE would be family and that step families would exist in peace. In doing so,I isolated my blood family, the one family that I don’t know or even scared to know, Why? I don’t want to be perceived as failure since all I’ve done is travel, in search of myself…while having some fun but discovering myself nonetheless.
My aunt has made a point, however she may or may not realized that she had given me will…the will to break away the chains that bounded me. To reclaim my OWN life and not allow a sulking adult who is trapped in her own hell for me to engaged with her. I AM in control of my life and where it leads to. It stops. I declare this and I say this only because my mental disability constantly puts me motivational voice on mute and seesaws with doubt,frustration and worry. The constant players at my minds table. Every day. Every night. 24/ fucking 7.
Over and Out