Seeing that the post I had written was nine months ago, declearing that I was back and ready to write again. To get it out to the public without fear of judgement and right now, it’s a slow process…very slow. Simply because, I have moved and moved and moved to unexpected places like Ashland,Or. Needless to say, I’m here. Present in body,yet not in mind . As to location, I ended up back east for the rest of the month. So mad that it’s the result of ill-planned idea of a vacation but I cant handle it,solely for the fact that i back and I am still here. In all it has officially drove me crazy but in a another voice, that goes “oh”. I’m stuck in the city that I ran across the states from. Now I am here. The state that sucked me in as child, lost, abused and unwanted and yet, I am here. Where I am now an adult,im no longer on a leash. The chains are the ones that aren’t seen by blood or close friends. Temptation, weighs heavily on my body that it’s unbreatheable. I asked for help, expecting the moon and stars to move,by my love and she can only work with the handles to control the moving. Rusted controls that are impossible. A act she allowed to wait until a breaking point was reached. And only sent to a point that has been created from the very place I had forced to have some glimpse of what can be described as a “relaxing” to some. Not to me. Being stressed and trying to relax and enjoy the summer. How can I, I ask myself how to do something like relax when all I know is chaous? Wanting to break free from it yet,I am a mouse, feeling trapped,looking for doors but the handles are asking for cents to release me.
I have been told time and time again, that I am not a hinderance being here,in Philly but how can I not feel that way when I am being passed from house to house? Family members who apparently, don’t like me,or they do, or they see me as someone that I know i am. I am different from the shy girl they grew up seeing. She had died a long time ago. I have observed everything the ones I loved or called favorite has now changed. The human nature of arrogacy or greed. Neither of those things I can associate myself with. I am a young woman, who worries so badly about the future that I hinder self from going out, to look at options. Worry of denial and the pesstimistic view of life. Can I blame me. Do I wanna work in corporate America? an astonding hell no. I want to have a hand in progressing the next generation in creating the basic idea of life, find things that you can enjoy and money is just paper that will die away. What wrealth is temporary however ever happiness is perminate.
Feeling however of dissapointment,ways heavily today. Changes of plans and nothing ever goes as planned. Why? Isn’t that the key to being responsible? Maybe not? I don’t understand where the idea of planning and rushing for the plans to come through had ever been engrained into my head? Looking at the last nine months nothing has. Maybe one of these day,ill publish my thoughts and have people agree or disagree with me but with moving around, do people really wanna hear the sportatic mindset of mines? The ones thats never constant, always changing,all emotions that sail on a jet boat,crashing into each other. Sigh…maybe.
Today,i am too emotional to.even give an idea of what my mood is however, fed up. Yes. That would be the ending mood. Need to get some type of liftedness. All because of being stuck with no where to turn. Let the mouse wheel begin,only no cheese…