So Day one of not talking to my girlfriend, as to why, well centers around the ill-planned portion of this trip..
Now, realistically speaking, I have been feeling as though, I am trapped and when I really need to leave PA . Seeing the purpose of me, still being here, I had relied heavily on her. She’s gotten me out of worst situations. And metaphorically, I was a brat. However, can you blame me? Who wants to be somewhere that they don’t feel at home there?
However, have been currently staying with two unlikely people. My ex-gf and her current gf. Yes, I am curious if any father of psychology have done any research of ex-lovers, cohabitating for a short time with their current interest?
Now how this came to be was simple…the first thunderstorms /masoon was my stepmother. And her ever changing mood. It started and ended with a cup of coffee. Spilled coffee. Mary wanted to hang out and well, as if an option from God was sent. It came and I took the first steaming car leaving. Mary,however,didn’t tell her current girlfriend. Continued up till the second day after she came back from her trip to Seattle.
The week continued and we “bonded” is one could for being the ex. Seeing how they acted, versus Marys feelings shows a huge contradiction. Or it shows you gotta fake it till you make. This girl pays for everything for goodness sakes.
Going back to my own, I cant think that we are a superficial couple because at the beginning she was showing me everything I hadn’t seen in Pa. Spoiled me but never did I want that. I wanted stability and that when I hear “everything is/will be OK” is actually a true statement, with actions to back it up. Now, returning back to instability, I allow my mind to spin insane and refusing it to stop. Yet, isn’t usually like that? Spinning on ideas or thoughts or dreams that one will never just stop on steady ground? I relied on her and she let me fall. I rely on my family, and well, until I get a certain date, is up in the air.
I sit quietly,in the backseat of an SUV watching the new girlfriend hold hands with my ex and i acknowledge that, this is reality. She allowed me to stay there,in her house with her past-wanting girlfriend who desires me. Picture me while shes fucking her. Should I be flattered? Looking at her, a 31 year old, insecure in her own skin? At NO point am I flattered, i feel for her. This woman was me at the tender age of 22. I could into my own desire and remind Mary who is it. Yet, no…not a single want to. That train had already left the station. Now this particular yacht, still, I am tethering the anchor, allowing my to decide to throw the rope or tie it again.
Not if I could think straight, since all that elopes me is worry, however, I see this one for certain, I’ve known disappointment too often in life that the need to press on is inconceivable. Will these be more disappointments? I expect so…it’s only makes me feel the wait until who knows comes along.