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*Forever Free*

Through the browns of her eyes, she sees wonders

Month

July 2015

That’s me right there..

*This is gonna be a mushy post,buttt what of it?!*

I haven’t been public about my relationship. Period. In this day and age,I feel that I won’t subject my happiness to the various implications or judgement for the public to destroy nor give amo for critics who has their own ideas and opinions. In addition, like a child,it’s in its infancy stage(We’ve been dating for 9 mths..ironic) however I am taking this time to put everything about this AMAZING, REMARKABLE woman that I happen to have falling head over,out of the universe in LOVE with.

Pull up a seat, get a glass of wine and prepare for a interesting love story..if you will..lol

At the beginning, SHE was just a friend. If the old school Biz Markey song didn’t encapsulated our relationship, I don’t think anyone can come up with a song like it to describe it. But I digress…in August of 2013, I started to talk to a then 29 year old name Stephanie. Ironic that my own family has more Stephanies than a white family filled with Ashleys… again, digressing. Needless to say,I was already enamored with a transgender ftm (female to male) named Jaydee. He/she was the hardneck, rugged from the streets individual that…intrigued me. The tats. The piercings. The bad boy image to say the very least. Steph,eh,not so much hardness but toughness was there. Again, intriguing from her as well.

Over the months,  Steph would work long hours oversees, while I would run rapid with Jaydee, throughout San Francisco. All the while, I found myself  talking through email with Steph. Her asking me how my day was going. If I was OK. Now,I hadn’t told her that the relationship with Jaydee hit an ultimate snag. Snag meaning turmoil. While I was “falling in love” with Jaycee, he/she had me and my feelings on a short list. Steph wasn’t any different

“We aren’t together so you can do whatever you want”

At that time, I was a one woman girl. Never thought of options of others,however,there was something stirring somewhere in my consciences, something I couldn’t define at the time. By November, I declared that I loved Jaydee… NOW,at the time, that is what I thought. He wanted me,I wanted him/her and that was love. What someone didn’t tell me was that fighting for attention was apart of the Jaydee package. Whether it was old photos of ex-gf hanging ever so proudly on the bedroom wall or constantly hearing, “I will never stop loving so and so…” to be his/her number one girl was an uphill, treacherous battle, with more scars, and broken dreams of what love could possibly mean or be.

To say that I went through hell, hell would be heaven compared to falling for  the wrong guy and yet I found myself sacraficing more than my emotion. My dignity,  my self-worth or the need for preservation was traded for abuse, control and the degradation of myself and any remnants that I once had throughout the years. Gone like thin air. When he said jump, I did. When he demanded, I answer with the swiftness. I fell into a vortex of blackness that I couldn’t see light. No shade of grey.

You may ask why didn’t I drop him/her when it was happening. When the hits came, why didn’t I leave? You can never know what runs through a mind of someone that already has a chemical imbalance. Logic gets twisted in emotion and the external pressure of someone as dominant as Jaydee. I am 5’9. Throughout, I had been broken down to 4’2…what else could I have believed. He loved me and this is it. This was love.

I couldn’t have been more wrong. Stephanie was there. Every message on e-mail, while I wiped tears away from being told I am worthless, she listened. Read and responded. I found at times,I hated that she was over seas for so long,but when she came back on land, and the usage of a normal phone, she would call/text me first. Letting me she was in town and she wanted to see me. Spend time with me?! Why? I asked myself.  I have nothing to offer her. What does she want with me? Oh wait, that’s right…I am only good at sex. So that must be it. Again, so wrong.

The times she was on land throughout the year…man..I was excited when I got messages that she was coming home in so many ways. But why? She listened to every cry,complain, frustration,and she advised me, encourage me to do/be anything I wanted. NEVER did I feel that she was obligated to listen. She could have stopped talking to me anytime…but we talked,and didn’t stop. I didn’t want it to stop. She told me about a career that no one in PA would go to school for. We lived on the east coast,  what did we care about the ocean. However,when she spoke about her job, the more intrigued I had gotten. The questions kept coming. And the very way she spoke about fishing (one sport or career that I didn’t have any interest in…I’m a city girl. Concrete works),the more I listened.  Absorbed the manner in which she spoke about the science (something I literally sucked at), I felt a warm feeling in my tummy and a pulse in my loins. Her type of smarts, knocked me off my seat, left me….you guessed it….intrigued.

The turning point was when I was taken off the train tracks become I allowed all that Jaydee dished out take its final toll. He had told me that he “cheated” on me with his ex-gf in Sacramento. At this time, it was me and him. Not me and him AND raiana. Within 3 months of this crazed drama, raiana fell off.

“She lies, she’s a fake ass bitch…”

And there,after months of fighting for him to focus on one girl, he choses me(yay,he loves me) only to go and “cheat”. My heart stopped, tears flowed and I saw the tracks. I lived along the train route. This was the end. Mama,I am coming home,I proclaimed inside as I lie on those metal tracks. Then…a miracle. Stephanie texted me. My ex-best friend texted me while my final song of “Sagaba” played.

“Are you OK?”

Hell no. But I couldn’t tell Stephanie that. I rather tell my ex-best friend. She had told me to go to the hospital (I LOTH HOSPITALS…Cant stress that enough) and start the process I thought I was cured from the last attempt to end my life years ago.  Did the 72 hr hold(lothed), taken the steps and there I was. Back into the city and back to reality. Needed to run. Needed to escape it all,including him.

Steph decided to take me on a trip. Again. Miracle. She took me to Seattle. She had been showing signs that she liked me more than a friend. The way she smiled at me, or laugh at my jokes, there was something in those brown eyes. She showed me beauty. She showed me the grey hole, slowly fading. Now, I had been giving her signs, I giggled nervously (still do), feeling the need to impress her with my smarts(thanks 9 years of boarding school and 4 additional years of college ), or wanting her to hold my hand. What was wrong with me?!?! She’s been a great “friend”. But what I was feeling inside was so new,I had to think… there seriously something going on here and I did NOT know what it was.

Now, I had told Jaydee that I was starting to like someone. Simply LIKED. I told him because of a)wanted to see how he react and b) He emphasize communication so there, I practiced it. He shrugged it off through his words however his action wasn’t equaling..the arguments and the fights got worst. That weekend,It was the FIRST time I had ever saw words and actions equal. That weekend was the FIRST time I stayed away from my phone and there I saw her. What this friend was about…one full of life, exploration, a light I had never seen had shone into my eyes, absorbed into my soul and one that was once dead,slowly revived…cracking through concrete.  My God, this woman was beautiful and she was actually interested in me??

She touched me with such an elegance that even the finest of wine couldn’t surpass. She kissed me with the softness of a thousand clouds. I couldn’t comprehend it. She entered me and I shutter, never rough, always wanted that moment.  With Jaydee. But when I approach orgasm, I cried. Tears of sheer joy. God A joy, I felt it when I graduated from high school…college… the birth of my friends kids…that Joy! In the midst of the amazing weekend and the most tender love making….it wasn’t fucking, or rape, what she put on me was heavy cover of intimacy,romance and…love. This was how Hollywood get their millions. But it wasn’t Hollywood nor did I want it to. It was the love songs that I found myself equating to her(even now, same thing…the playlist goes on) versus brokenhearted, hurt, despair songs that would be Jaydee (Lauryn hill ex factor was always playing..even when I did pick it personally). It was the ability to not flinch when she reached out to me for a hug. She had given me that. Willingly.  Excited to show me what women needed… no…I needed to feel. An actual person. A woman. A queen.

I see her and I see light. Warmth against my skin. Anticipating for it to dim,whereas after the weekend, it was abundantly clear that it wasn’t going to change. It was only getting brighter. That weekend, I allowed emotion and my heart to speak.

“I think I am falling in love with you”
“I am already in love with you,Jackie”

Can someone pass this girl fan because I swooned. She didn’t laugh. She didn’t shoo me off. She was genuine. She was real and she loved me.

She loved a broken woman. She loved a woman who was running wild, back and forth between her and Jaydee. Running deep into a lifestyle that she ended up  in through the wrong type of friends. After that stunt, I ran throughout the city. Allow it swallow me whole.  Telling her it ALL…she understood. Never ONCE judgement was passed. And she loved me?!??

October 18th, those words I had WAITED AND WORKED HARD to hear from again the man/woman I was in “love” and never heard…were spoken.

“Will you be my girl?”

She flown me round trip back to Pa for a short time to come into Las Vegas. She had been back from Japan for her birthday and now, she comes to get me from the airport for another amazing weekend in the city of lights. Rose covered hotel room with gifts from her trip welcomed me,left me absolutely speechless. She thought about me. I blushed. After she once again, made sweet…mmm…sweet love to me,she put a box on my chest. Ummm…let pump breaks. Proposal?!?!?  Not ready,I just said I was in love with you.

She laughed and said, “not a proposal” as though she saw horror or fear in my eyes. She read my mind. A titanium ring she had gotten from Japan glistened in my eyes. Let the tears fall.

“Its a promise ring. I promise to be there for you and love you. Will you be my girlfriend?”

Yes, and if It could have been different, I wouldn’t have matter because my answer would and still be the same. Yes, Si, Wi…in any language,yes.

That was nine months ago. Within those months, we have moved up the western coast. She has seen me at my WORST.  A side that not golden,pretty,or sexy. Yet, she does see me as those things. Even when I am mad at her for little things, she said or do things and I am less angry. Making a grumpy,pouty face that she says is “cute” where i follow up saying “shut up”. She helps me work through my constant instability that comes with being Bipolar (wish people would take this illness seriously because I’m living proof,it sucks), my fears,doubts, insecurities and she replace it with motivation and sheer honesty. Being my biggest cheerleader. Makes me wanna be better person,a better woman, a better…me. She picks my chin up and those eyes enter my soul,preventing it from ever get cold. Ugly, old thoughts…she makes me feel beautiful. Not like what media ideas are,but spiritually beautiful, like the various photographs of the redwood forest exhibit she took me on the second date. She is my photographer and I am her muse. Something I never been but it’s a honor to be for this woman. Everyone or everything who feels different has been dissipated when I’m with her. I don’t care. This woman is mine. As I am hers. I am her queen. She is my king and no amount of influence from “everyone” will ever change that. Stephanie is heavensent and I believe that God has created her for me. I mean, why would she enter my life like she has for me not to continue to fall in love with her, harder and harder with every passing moment.

Sure, i am still recovering from the damage done by Jaydee but it doable. He/she is no longer. My gladiator in a suit(she doesnt wear suits,button up shirts are her style but you get it) is in Seattle,busting her ass to give us the life we dream of…to be comfortable. While I regroup in PA. Yet,i am comfortablewith her. Safe. Regardless of money, I stand by my lady. Whether it 2 million or 2 cents, I stand strong for my baby. Her reassurance and constant delivery allows me to be comfortable. And seeing the various LENGTHS…i take her over all the riches, since it means nothing without my baby. I am rich woman by being WITH her. As long as i hear her breathe to sooth me to sleep, feel those sweet lips on mine, touch that skin, any storm between us that may come, i am safe in my kings arm. When i say she’s building OUR empire, she about business BUT never loosing her feminine flair or show me love. Ladies and gents, i really cant say enough how much i love Stephanie, but my heart burst and tear flood my eyes at the thought of her. Or even talking about her. That,my friends,is love.

The story of us is still being written but lucky for us, we are the authors ,and i MOST CERTAINLY see a very,VERY happy ending. Call it fate, call it faith,call it optimism however my heart…is smarter now. So stay tuned…

Over and out…

Jay

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Reflections…Can’t help but to.

Hey folks,

For todays event,I am heading to see my best friend of 20 plus years(Jesus,has it been that long?) All the while,I had ended up seeing the kids I used to see when I came home from breaks at school…these kids AREN’T kids anymore. They are now teens and that itself shocks me. Time doesn’t stop. It literally keeps going, passing. To have been so out of touch, it has been a wake up call.

Seeing my best friend or friends of so many years ago, it feels as though I had blinked for way too long to see where their lives are. They or We aren’t kids….we are adults. Adults, a concept never taught in the classroom. Experience is the forerunner in that concept. Each and everyone of my friends have had experiences in which now, they are a shell of a new being, one that is passed the age of dolls and childish gossip.  Now seeing the next generation, the very generation that I had gotten the opportunity to witness grow up, I am curious to see what they will grow to be. What experiences will they have that will mold the future  “adult”.

I am filled with emotions. A sense of proud. A sense of excitement.  A overwhelming need to shed tears of joy, a full out bawl. I believe its Grace. An appreciation for the Lord Almighty for allowing me to see these things happen since I can count how many times I was worried that I wouldn’t see any of it. Wouldn’t feel this feeling of adoration for these people that I have met throughout my life. This itself gives me will to live. To take everything that allowed me to gamble,figuratively and metaphorically, away my life and push harder on. I remember my girlfriend telling me, when I felt that all the stress was too much handle and snapping on her, though, she was right, she told me “you just hit adulthood,baby.”

This phase of my life or adulthood has been EXTREMELY tiring, confusing,frustration beyond tears BUT then I see the kids, the ones who looked at me like I was/am the cool cousin and see where I am, seeing my childhood friends and the achievements good or bad; it’s more than I could ever ask for in this life.

Over and out

Jay

Trip lessons…part one

Hey folks,

Today, I sat with my favorite aunt, however saying “favorite” in the eyes of a niece, it means the advice is given;regardless her advice is usually what I need/crave to hear, it sometimes is a cruel reminder.

This trip has been one of many lessons. Choices have been made yet, out there, there are still choices to be made along the way. Even now, a question presented itself… “Why did I even come home?”

I ran…so far away from Philadelphia and Pennsylvania that I have been asked “Why I ever leave?” I left,because of her. Because of my step-mother. My fathers girlfriend of ten plus years. She has weaseled, picked and chiseled, into my fathers mind. Making it forever a weak one. For 14 years,this woman broke me, spit fire into my subconscious that now,I doubt myself. In everything in life. What I want to do in THIS life. Because of her evil-ness…one that is conjure from the brimstone of hell itself. How can a woman want to believe that there is competition… a blood daughter and a piece of ass. Where is it? 

I never grew up around my father. I was placed into a boarding school. No fatherly figure other than the one that housed me, and even then, I was at war. Needless to say, I would classify that relationship as “friends”. However, I wanted a close relationship with him. Past tense. Now, I don’t see that working. Because of HER. That rattlesnake in the grass.

Fast forward,I am sitting with my aunt and she tells me that I need to sit down, write little goals and start to build towards the dream life that my grandmother had wanted to me have. Along with her asking,”why do you allow that woman to make you feel…”

I have allowed to come up with the thought that we are a family.  SHE would be family and that step families would exist in peace. In doing so,I isolated my blood family, the one family that I don’t know or even scared to know,  Why? I don’t want to be perceived as failure since all I’ve done is travel, in search of myself…while having some fun but discovering myself nonetheless.

My aunt has made a point, however she may or may not realized that she had given me will…the will to break away the chains that bounded me.  To reclaim my OWN life and not allow a sulking adult  who is trapped in her own hell for me to engaged with her. I AM in control of my life and where it leads to. It stops. I declare this and I say this only because my mental disability constantly puts me motivational voice on mute and seesaws with doubt,frustration and worry.  The constant players at my minds table. Every day. Every night. 24/ fucking 7.

Over and Out

Jay

Outside would think this is crazy….

Good morning,

So Day one of not talking to my girlfriend, as to why, well centers around the ill-planned portion of this trip..

Now, realistically speaking,  I have been feeling as though, I am trapped and when I really need to leave PA . Seeing the purpose of me, still being here, I had relied heavily on her. She’s gotten me out of worst situations. And metaphorically, I was a brat. However, can you blame me? Who wants to be somewhere that they don’t feel at home there? 

However, have been  currently staying with two unlikely people. My ex-gf and her current gf. Yes, I am curious if any father of psychology have done any research of ex-lovers, cohabitating for a short time with their current interest?

Now how this came to be was simple…the first thunderstorms /masoon was my stepmother. And her ever changing mood. It started and ended with a cup of coffee.  Spilled coffee.  Mary wanted to hang out and well, as if an option from God was sent.  It came and I took the first steaming car leaving.  Mary,however,didn’t tell her current girlfriend. Continued up till the second day after she came back  from her trip to Seattle. 

The week continued and we “bonded” is one could for being the ex. Seeing how they acted, versus Marys feelings shows a huge contradiction. Or it shows you gotta fake it till you make. This girl pays for everything for goodness sakes.

Going back to my own, I cant think that we are a superficial couple because at the beginning she was showing me everything I hadn’t seen in Pa.  Spoiled me  but never did I want that. I wanted stability and that when I hear “everything is/will be OK” is actually a true statement, with actions to back it  up.  Now, returning back to instability, I allow my mind to spin insane and refusing it to stop. Yet, isn’t usually like that? Spinning on ideas or thoughts or dreams that one will never just  stop on steady ground? I relied on her and she let me fall. I rely on my family, and well, until I get a certain date,  is up in the air.

I sit quietly,in the backseat of an SUV watching the new girlfriend hold hands with my ex and i acknowledge that, this is reality. She allowed me to stay there,in her house with her past-wanting girlfriend who desires me. Picture me while shes fucking her. Should I be flattered? Looking at her, a 31 year old, insecure in her own skin? At NO point am I flattered, i feel for her. This woman was me at the tender age of 22. I could into my own  desire and remind Mary who is it. Yet, no…not a single want to. That train had already left the station. Now this particular yacht,  still, I am tethering the anchor, allowing my to decide to throw the rope or tie it again.

Not if I could think straight,  since all that elopes me is worry, however, I see this one for certain, I’ve known disappointment too often in life that the need to press on is inconceivable. Will these be more disappointments? I expect so…it’s only makes me feel the wait until who knows comes along.

Straying away…see-sawing

Hey folks,

Seeing that the post I had written was nine months ago, declearing that I was back and ready to write again. To get it out to the public without fear of judgement and right now, it’s a slow process…very slow. Simply because, I have moved and moved and moved to unexpected places like Ashland,Or. Needless to say, I’m here. Present in body,yet not in mind . As to location, I ended up back east for the rest of the month. So mad that it’s the result of ill-planned idea of a vacation but I cant handle it,solely for the fact that i back and I am still here. In all it has officially drove me crazy but in a another voice,  that goes “oh”. I’m stuck in the city that I ran across the states from. Now I am here. The state that sucked me in as child, lost, abused and unwanted and yet, I am here. Where I am now an adult,im no longer on a leash. The chains are the ones that aren’t seen by blood or close friends.  Temptation,  weighs heavily on my body that it’s unbreatheable. I asked for help, expecting the moon and stars to move,by my love and she can only work with the handles to control the moving. Rusted controls that are impossible. A act she allowed to wait until a breaking point was reached. And only sent to a point that has been created from the very place I had forced to have some  glimpse of what can be described as a “relaxing”  to some. Not to me. Being stressed and trying to relax and enjoy the summer. How can I, I ask myself how to do something like relax when all I know is chaous? Wanting to break free from it yet,I am a mouse, feeling trapped,looking for doors but the handles are asking for cents to release me.

I have been told time and time again, that I am not a hinderance being here,in Philly but how can I not feel that way when I am being passed from house to house? Family members who apparently, don’t like me,or they do, or they see me as someone that I know i am. I am different from the shy girl they grew up seeing. She had died a long time ago. I have observed everything the ones I loved or called favorite has now changed. The human nature of arrogacy or greed. Neither of those things I can associate myself with. I am a young woman, who worries so badly about the future that I hinder self from going out, to look at options. Worry of denial and the pesstimistic view of life. Can I blame me. Do I wanna work in corporate America? an astonding hell no. I want to have a hand in progressing the next generation in creating the basic idea of life, find things that you can enjoy and money is just paper that will die away. What wrealth is temporary however ever happiness is perminate.

Feeling however of dissapointment,ways heavily today. Changes of plans and nothing ever goes as planned. Why? Isn’t that the key to being responsible?  Maybe not? I don’t understand where the idea of planning and rushing for the plans to come through had ever been engrained into my head? Looking at the last nine months nothing has. Maybe one of these day,ill publish my thoughts and have people agree or disagree with me but with moving around, do people really wanna hear the sportatic mindset of mines? The ones thats never constant, always changing,all emotions that sail on a jet boat,crashing into each other. Sigh…maybe.

Today,i am too emotional to.even give an idea of what my mood is however, fed up. Yes. That would be the ending mood. Need to get some type of liftedness. All because of being stuck with no where to turn. Let the mouse wheel begin,only no cheese…

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