Today had been a rocky ass day. I mean, a series of events…Like even writing, i’m typing on the keys that as if i’m pounding into them, into the ground. Anyway, I might as well catch you and myself up on the everything..So, it begins.
In the last blog, i was writing about a girl that I had the hardest crush on. Well, throughout the past two-ish weeks, that crush has slowly dissipated and irritation with her has replaced that inital “crush” feeling. Why, you might ask?! Well, We STILL haven’t met each other. And to add more fuel to the fire, the conversations that we have are stale. It’s strange since when someone has a general interest in someone, they tend to keep that interest with conversation, progressing throughout. NO, it’s more like “What are you doing?” “Hows your day” yada, yada,yada. The spark that I once thought I felt with Dani has and is dying. She has no interest in being in a relationship since she rather find herself and get her shit together…what the hell is up with everyone using this excuse of “getting their shit together” in order to avoid being in a relationship, a romantic one, however, if it’s sex, Oh, they are up for it. You’ll see what I mean by saying why “everyone” is saying this played out line. Dani, has too much shit going on and the more that we talk, the more I realized that I have no chance in changing her perspective or her desires of wanting me. And that, lady and germs, SUCKS! But, hey, you live and you learn right…
Well, not necessarily…Jaydee(there is a whole backstory with this one, but a long story short, I met her at CVS on the way to work, we’ve hung out a few times and we’ve been talking for months now.) decides to tell me last night, that she is talking to someone else. AT THE SAME TIME AS MYSELF…WHAT?!Further more, she also states that she doesn’t know who she wants. A few nights, prior to this one, we both asked each other where do we go from here. At the time, no where, but she/he been inkling for something more and I began to ponder on the idea…up until she told me that there was another opponent in the ring for being her’s. I don’t believe that I actually got into this ring of chaos because I don’t find it necessary to not only fight for someone affection and “title” but to compete with another person when I’m not even sure that this is real. If anything I’ve felt up to this point is real. Laying next to her/him, I felt the same as I did dealing with my ex. Sharing her with someone else. Why can’t it/him/her just be mine and mine alone!? Looking at my “competition” I had to laugh. Not in arrogance but in the fuckery that would transpire if I was to say “Sure, why not, i’d lower my dignity in order to win you over?!” She’s ratchet. She doesn’t work. Yet Jaydee used to date her “other girls” brother back when she thought she was straight.
Why do these individuals have the flip side of what happens when you begin to like someone? There seems to always be a downside. NO, I’m not going to change who I am to appease you and make it known that I’m the “better” choice, when I shouldn’t even be a “choice” in the first place. Why do I need to prove to you that I’m a girl that you would want to be with, be around, or be proud to have in your life? Is it me just thinking that? That itself throws my mind in a vortex of irritation. I want someone to like me for me, that wouldn’t have me compete or come second to someone else. That’d appreciate the woman, i’m FINALLY becoming. Do people out there exist? UGH, even writing this, is so frustrating because the outcome of these women are not what I had hoped or envisioned.
So I only have 16 mins left before I have to get off. But until next time, love, peace and hair grease!