Happy Monday!!!Well, for some. Today, well, this pass week, have been full. With working two jobs, and of course the weekends. So, usually, i can take a weekend, to regroup for the work week, however, not this time around. Or even next weekend. But this post is, another, no hold bars type post. I really feeling like i need to get somethings off my mind and what better way is to put fingers to keys.
I’m mad. No, more like Irate and i have no idea why? Everything is going according to plan. I have two jobs, both retail, in a state that I’ve dreamed of being in. Yet the jobs are just that…Jobs. My co-workers are wonderful, full of life and various personalities that differ from my own but like being a new kid in school, all I want to do is blend or fit in. I found someone who is generally interested in. Yet, I see her as someone to fill in time. Someone who can satisfy my needs, whether financial or emotional. However, I want to feel a connection. I want to post a picture of myself on a dating site and have my inbox filled with people who like the similar things I do or even connect with me, overlooking the physical attributes or the lack there of(I’m a bulky girl, not fat, just built like a linebacker.)
Through the course of this month, I’ve gone through san fran, and absolutely love it but I’m still unhappy. I’m still mad and I want to know why? Things come in time, like the saying goes however,is it my impatience that is causing me to feel so mad. To feel like, the directions that I’ve taken isn’t going anywhere fast. Maybe, the fact that the culture out here is slow and steady that I’m the tortoise in the california hare race? Or is it the other way around?
Feeling so mad, it makes my insides feel like fire. And I want to stop but It’s not. Resorting to smoking, i realize the degree of anger my mind has gone and what for?I’m not trying to intercept the pending blessings that god or the universe has for me however, it’s a tug of war that i’m losing at.
Losing…yes, that’s what it could be, instead of finding myself, i’m losing myself in a darkness where there is nothing. That the familiar feelings or doubt, regret, sadness all sit and have a discussion of how to conquer over happiness, optimism and assurance.
I want peace,folks. I want mental, emotional, stability. I want the lower level of Maslow hierarchy of Needs, met to where i can substance the highest level of Self-actualization possible.
Folks, there you have it. The shorter end of a forever thought. I hope everyone is having a good day! and for now..
Love and Peace