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*Forever Free*

Through the browns of her eyes, she sees wonders

Month

September 2013

Psychology of Lesbian-ism…If there ever were such a thing!?

Hey folks,

It’s been a minute since I’ve been on, I know, totally not my fault. Work has bounded me to ever get the chance to sit and write something however, walking around with a big purse with a notebook…I don’t feel out of touch.

Ok, enough with the sap, There has been a conversation that has been on my mind for the longest time and with that being said, there is a small disclamier…This topic happened about a few months ago with my best friend of YEARS and So with that being said…

Playing hookie from work wasn’t the best plan I or she had ever concocted. It was the one that made sense. I need her time and a me time and we were going to get it…together. So today, the plan is to go to walmart before heading to Lancaster to get my god-daughter. We are having this conversation about her love and what he does for her…The devotion that this girl has with this man is unreal. Yet, that’s her, she loves hard and she fights harder for the ones that she loves. So I bring up the topic of her ex-girlfriend, asking when did she know she was a lesbian.

“From the moment that I saw her, I just knew.”

That’s not a broad statement, nor a concert one yet in the midst, I understood. She later explained the deeper meaning behind it.

“It’s like, I get physically aroused when I see a girl. It’s like my body reacts to them.”
“And for a guy, it doesn’t”
“Only with one man, but other than that, nope”
“Nope?!”
“Nope?!”
“My god, when I sexy man, i throb”
She laughs, “What doesn’t?”
“When did you know?”
I paused, ” I’m not sure, I think when I was in high school, maybe earlier. It’s something about a womans genuine beauty just entice me”
“Exactly. With men, I just don’t feel like that.”
“You never once craved dick!?”
“No, not really”
She downplayed penis whereas I upplayed it, slightly higher than hers. At time, i felt like I would want to compensate or settle for it. Like really wanting a yellow cake but settle for white(yes, at times I use references to food…its the inner fat kid me, sue me). Women just made my mind throb to a near orgasm. It’s like watching living art before you, whereas men, it’s seeing the same various picture replications of Mona Lisa, just in a different, dull medium. Woman was colors, men were black and white.
“Only Gilbert, that’s the only man who I ever had an orgasm with.”
Even in art, there is always a basis of black and white!
“Of course, with him, you would, you are in love with that man.”
“That’s my baby”
In any case, we once fell to the social norms of like men. What we do with it later on in life is what defines us. What molded us as children to what we become sexual drawn to from then on.
“I’m speechless, I do believe we might have a new project, you could be the topic of my thesis, “The psychology of lesbianism””
She laughs, “You are goofy”
“And you love me.”

Well, guys, it wasn’t meant to read out like a story however, I’ll take it. I hope everyone is having a good day, for being Tuesday.

Love, Peace and Hair Grease

Jay

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Burning flame ignited?

Hey Folks,

Happy Monday!!!Well, for some. Today, well, this pass week, have been full. With working two jobs, and of course the weekends. So, usually, i can take a weekend, to regroup for the work week, however, not this time around. Or even next weekend. But this post is, another, no hold bars type post. I really feeling like i need to get somethings off my mind and what better way is to put fingers to keys.

I’m mad. No, more like Irate and i have no idea why? Everything is going according to plan. I have two jobs, both retail, in a state that I’ve dreamed of being in. Yet the jobs are just that…Jobs. My co-workers are wonderful, full of life and various personalities that differ from my own but like being a new kid in school, all I want to do is blend or fit in. I found someone who is generally interested in. Yet, I see her as someone to fill in time. Someone who can satisfy my needs, whether financial or emotional. However, I want to feel a connection. I want to post a picture of myself on a dating site and have my inbox filled with people who like the similar things I do or even connect with me, overlooking the physical attributes or the lack there of(I’m a bulky girl, not fat, just built like a linebacker.)

Through the course of this month, I’ve gone through san fran, and absolutely love it but I’m still unhappy. I’m still mad and I want to know why? Things come in time, like the saying goes however,is it my impatience that is causing me to feel so mad. To feel like, the directions that I’ve taken isn’t going anywhere fast. Maybe, the fact that the culture out here is slow and steady that I’m the tortoise in the california hare race? Or is it the other way around?

Feeling so mad, it makes my insides feel like fire. And I want to stop but It’s not. Resorting to smoking, i realize the degree of anger my mind has gone and what for?I’m not trying to intercept the pending blessings that god or the universe has for me however, it’s a tug of war that i’m losing at.

Losing…yes, that’s what it could be, instead of finding myself, i’m losing myself in a darkness where there is nothing. That the familiar feelings or doubt, regret, sadness all sit and have a discussion of how to conquer over happiness, optimism and assurance.

I want peace,folks. I want mental, emotional, stability. I want the lower level of Maslow hierarchy of Needs, met to where i can substance the highest level of Self-actualization possible.

Folks, there you have it. The shorter end of a forever thought. I hope everyone is having a good day! and for now..

Love and Peace

Jay

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