So many thoughts in my head, to the point, where I don’t know where to start. The daunting thoughts is what my purpose on this world is. Why do I exist? I’ve been trying to figure out what my bitch is.  I have gone through life by having big decisions but I now can’t make simple decisions that will make a difference in my life. It then translate with the overpower of the idea of when the world will end. Now, I know that God wouldn’t give me more than I can bear however it has me thinking,  what if God comes back when I haven’t found the purpose that God has set for me. I’m having a battle within myself. The “pleasure” I’ve grown to like and the “joy” that I want to have with God in the forefront. Half of me doesn’t want to let those vices go. The other half wants to let it go and develop a relationship closer to God. I don’t want the day to come and God looks at my life and say, “you aren’t good enough”. It pressures me to try to be perfect but I keep stumbling. Looking around, it makes me feel like the end is coming and it scares me. I can’t control it or the time but I’m living in fear. I’m afraid of making commitments when it feels like my life is ticking away. Normally I would find comfort in someones arms.  It’s like being scared of the dark. I would find comfort in my mom as she held me while I feel asleep. Now, it’s just mere and in not sure if I can do it. Moreso, if I will get out of that fear.  It would be easier if I didn’t believe that there was a God. However, seeing evidence everyday, I mean, who makes the shut rise and set?  Or what makes the rain fall? Even more,  having Jesus die for my sins before I was ever made,makes me a believer and I want to be right with him. I want to sing his praises. I want to know him enough so when that time comes, he’ll open his arms and welcome me home. Yet, I want to experience the life I was given. To get married, to have kids,to See the world. I don’t want to live life with skepticism. I want love and everything that goes along with it. Sounds selfish but it’s not my intention. I just want to know “what’s my life purpose”. The interesting part is that I now know why I emerse  myself in kid cartoons of the nighties. It is because it allows my mind to escape from the outside world and my imagination to wander to a time when everything is right.  It gives me hope of good things that “could” in a crazy world.

So happy I wrote this down.  It sets my mind at ease. My hope is getting my life out of shambles.

Circa:4/2011

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