Search

*Forever Free*

Through the browns of her eyes, she sees wonders

Month

July 2013

Is there a “we”?

24 hours.

24 hours,and whatever mins from now that I broke a heart. A heart that I didnt want to break. In my short life, I’ve strive to find appreciation…the feeling of want..the feeling of being love. Outside of my flaws and anything that I had with him, he accepted my chubby face or my larger-than-average physique. Sure, I look strong but not today nor the rest of the week. My mind ran faster than my thumbs could text. Was this a mistake? Of course, it was at the very time that I’d waited to hear from him the very words that every girl/woman wants to hear.  “I love u”. Now, I rather have it spelled the whole “Y-O-U” It would have meant 10 times more.  I’m trying to find justification for my actions,yet I can’t. He said those words and I turned, saying I’m not in love. I still feel like half of me loved him for the wrong reasons, but the other half is asking “what can he offer you?” He can offer me understanding to an extent of teaching me things that I wouldn’t learn in a educational setting. Everything seem like it had to be “to an extent”. I don’t want “to an extent”…I want the full, exausted chances taken.  I want no long distance and I never had what I wanted from him. Yet, I had love? If that what it was but I was still in that 16 year old puppy dog love mentality. And now, at 20,what mindset did I, or do I have.  What lessons are to be learned? Sunday, football Sunday where two rival teams come together for one final purpose of a win…have I picked the team that will come on top at any cost or will i fall underneath the weight of my arch rival. No, not today. Today, I can say that this game, I’ve won.

Advertisements

Spring break thoughts

So many thoughts in my head, to the point, where I don’t know where to start. The daunting thoughts is what my purpose on this world is. Why do I exist? I’ve been trying to figure out what my bitch is.  I have gone through life by having big decisions but I now can’t make simple decisions that will make a difference in my life. It then translate with the overpower of the idea of when the world will end. Now, I know that God wouldn’t give me more than I can bear however it has me thinking,  what if God comes back when I haven’t found the purpose that God has set for me. I’m having a battle within myself. The “pleasure” I’ve grown to like and the “joy” that I want to have with God in the forefront. Half of me doesn’t want to let those vices go. The other half wants to let it go and develop a relationship closer to God. I don’t want the day to come and God looks at my life and say, “you aren’t good enough”. It pressures me to try to be perfect but I keep stumbling. Looking around, it makes me feel like the end is coming and it scares me. I can’t control it or the time but I’m living in fear. I’m afraid of making commitments when it feels like my life is ticking away. Normally I would find comfort in someones arms.  It’s like being scared of the dark. I would find comfort in my mom as she held me while I feel asleep. Now, it’s just mere and in not sure if I can do it. Moreso, if I will get out of that fear.  It would be easier if I didn’t believe that there was a God. However, seeing evidence everyday, I mean, who makes the shut rise and set?  Or what makes the rain fall? Even more,  having Jesus die for my sins before I was ever made,makes me a believer and I want to be right with him. I want to sing his praises. I want to know him enough so when that time comes, he’ll open his arms and welcome me home. Yet, I want to experience the life I was given. To get married, to have kids,to See the world. I don’t want to live life with skepticism. I want love and everything that goes along with it. Sounds selfish but it’s not my intention. I just want to know “what’s my life purpose”. The interesting part is that I now know why I emerse  myself in kid cartoons of the nighties. It is because it allows my mind to escape from the outside world and my imagination to wander to a time when everything is right.  It gives me hope of good things that “could” in a crazy world.

So happy I wrote this down.  It sets my mind at ease. My hope is getting my life out of shambles.

Circa:4/2011

Temple digging

Hey folks,

I hope everyone is having a great day. I know, I’m starting mine but my optimism tells me yes, I will. Anyway,yesterday, I had to condense all my things for my trip and I digged into my treasure chest that I had gotten back in high school…Bam, I found some of my old writings including poetry. As I read them, It was a sign that this is decision to go is a good one. So the follow posts are some of my younger writings. Enjoy!

Peace out,
Jay 

A reflection from the back seat

Hey folks,

I am currently in Lititz with one of my dearest friends, and we were having one of the best times together before I go to Cali and while were driving the same route, my mind wander on the same road that she had told me a story about, one that made me feel sad and angry about, either way, I created a piece in light of that moment…

She takes the same route, through the wooded boarders,heading into various part of town. Hitting highways filled with small businesses and other attractions that makes the worlds coolest town, THE town. Soon, we past the familiar homes that represents the wealthy. It wasn’t lavish, however, it showed that comfortable living is obtainable. These homes I’ve seen were only a physical representation of the rise from the bottom,one that I wanted. She tells me that it isn’t all as it seem.

She tells me her daughter lives in one of those houses, nestled behind a gate. A round-faced, blue-eyed four year old plays there with her paternal grandmother.  She explains the twist and turns,  the betrayal and the scandal that ultimately put her 1st child there. Yet, she does have the pain breaking in her voice. She doesn’t seem bother, as much as I am. I secretly cry, trying to imagine what my life would be if I had my first blessing held from me.

I began to wonder what keeps her from being a gladiator, burning the village and retrieve the precious gem that was her daughter? She had the infinite potential to be an amazing mother, yet her feet and mind have cease on those opportunities that have been given to her. The ones that constantly consist of run-around,through loopholes that eventually lead to nowhere. The world is the oyster that she Is reluctant of putting her toes in.

She speaks about the future,one in which she speaks of the boys she’s planning on having with her fiance. My mind can’t wrap around the idea of starting a family when one is already there. I don’t see the various pictures of the progression as she grows up. The warming smile as she is dressed in the seasonal wear as her mother hold her. That’s what gives me the thought that maybe she wants to erase the evidence of a failed relationship. Yet, it can’t, when she’s under the care of her dads family, one of a higher prestige then she. And to constantly being reminded, going down this very road ignites a fire in me. However, she sees a light in the horizon, by starting anew with her future husband.

She looks at that house as being the right choice for her.  Being that her daughter being raised in good hands, idle hands nonetheless. And the more she speaks about it, the more I don’t want to believe it however it’s becoming clear. She wants to block any thought.  She doesn’t want to look in those blue eyes since they remind her of the regret four years ago.

We continue to drive, allowing those homes fade into the background,my frustration stayed boiled. I shake my head in disbelief, allowing this very road be the continuing shadow of her fairy tale, one that she didn’t want to start. Or one she doesn’t want to complete,turning blank pages in hopes that future of her seed grows into the princesses she dreams of.

Sn: this was all written on my phone app…I’m impressed… lol

Peace and love,
Jay

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑