Hey folks,

I hope everyone is having a great day. This blog isn’t one of my many story ideas or even a poem. It’s more of a painful reflection and what way to reflect is to write.

Well, on friday, I found out that my girlfriend of 11months had a secret relationship with a girl that I already knew that there was more there. The painful way in finding that out is through social media. Damn, Facebook. The night before, she and I argued as to who she was skyping with(Which she lied about). As she went to Pittsburgh, I stayed back because as she said it “to see if she can be faithful away from me” which it later all made sense. The late night creeps on the phone, the strange way of skyping, the fact that she didn’t add me on Facebook after our last argument  it all made sense. I sat folks, i sat and ponder as to why this was all happening. And in the midst of pondering, Common sense showed face. I wasn’t dumb. I knew better, especially after flowers was sent to my house by the girl. I could go into details of what transpired through facebook and there, i was, the brokenhearted girl trying to reclaim some respect lost that my partner didn’t have the decency to give me. 

I can’t imagine how many people I knew that had their heart broken and what did i do, I tell them that there is a brighter tomorrow. That there is so many people in the world that why would you allow one to bring you down? It wasn’t until i went through it that i realized, that the moment, the second that heartache sets in, the endless world view is cut. I cried, I had panic attacks to the point that I didn’t get any sleep. Yet, the question of what made her do it is what makes my mind scramble. How can you give everything of yourself to a person who gives you crumbs at a time?

Folks, right now, it hurts. Lord knows it hurts. However, in time, it usually gets better. One heals, sees another tomorrow. Yet, my tomorrow is stunted for the mere fact that she is coming back from Pittsburgh on Sunday. How am I going to act when she comes in? Am I going to yell and scream at her? Cry, ask why? I look at my bags and there is glimmer of hope. The question I asked her over text if she wanted to talk about the future of “us” is the deciding factor of me actually staying and trying to work it out or me heading back east and not looking back. She says that she loves me, yet she said it to Robin so the question of how much she really loves me is hanging in the balance. I can’t be the only one loving someone, fighting for someone if they can’t do that for me.

In all folks, I want closer, if it results to that but I also want my heart to feel again. I don’t want to become the typical damaged woman but it’s possible.

So for now, this whats being written. No funny antidotes but a woman who’s holding on to hope and isn’t sure if she should.

Over and Out,

Jay