I want to first off by saying to everyone who is reading my poems, story ideas or anything else on my blog, THANK YOU! It means a lot to me just to know that there are people out there that may just like my writing and possibly apperciate it, So again THANK YOU SO SO MUCH! Please feel free to comment, critique, question or anything you may want to do when it comes to my work and I’ll answer them as soon as I can. Love having imput, it makes me become a better writer.
However folks, I do have some interesting turn of events that happened on Friday. The stress of every day life had gotten to me, in the worst way. Money wasn’t right and even if you budgeted, it felt like it still wasn’t enough. The house, or mobile home i’m living in, pratically scares me because I think it’s going to catch on fire for faulty wires. The hours at work began to get longer and longer, back to back shifts with 6 hrs in between. And my relationship was on the rocks. Well, it turns out the breaking point for me was when I went through my significate others Skype messages and saw that there was some intense converstation with another girl. I broke down, I couldn’t breath, and I don’t know if it was because of having my heart broken for the second time by the same person or the overwhelming feeling that I have completely failed at life? My mind went a mile a minute but it was running on a path driven by the emotion of sheer hopelessness. I never thought I could be that depressed that I would check out of this world. Ultimately, I walked into our busy street while one of the trucks were coming. Life had no meaning, no purpose anymore and I couldn’t bear to continue it again. My friend got my arm and lead me back to her friends house for me to calm down. Well, it was a confortation between me, my ex, the new girl and my friend. I bolted out the door, running down the side of the interstate in which my town lies. I ran. I don’t run, but something inside me caused me to run. Speed through my tears and my heart feeling as though it was going to come out of my chest. The Lawerence township police came and talked to me, saying that one of my friends called saying that I was running in the street to hurt myself. I was too emotionally distraught that I rambled as to why was running down the side of the major highway. They ended up taking me home, where the second attempt to confront my ex and the new girl began. A screaming, adrenaline filled confrontation that I simply couldn’t believe was happening. Why was my world, that i worked so hard for was falling apart? Well, they told me that I should check into a hospital because there was some things wrong with me. Now folks, this wasn’t the first time that I would hit a wall, under pressure or stress and I can’t feel as though there is a way, I snap in very unhealthy ways. I went to the hospital, got checked and then i stayed in the mental ward for three days. Now, I didn’t think wards would be how i pictured it, the padded walls, people talking to themselves. No, it was pretty normal, minus the fact that there was a guy who was there for killing 8 women. Ick, creepy! Anywhom, I learned that I had some mental illnesses that went undiagnoised. That’s what suprised me. I’m a happy, bubbly, enthusiastic girl who sees the blue in a grey sky but they broke down what illnesses that I have(looking at that word is a bit much for me, even now) and Bipolar is one of the them. Sure, I knew I had OCD and ADD(which was another new thing…ah, now I know why my friends laugh when I get off topic so easily) but BIPOLAR???Please, I’m not Bipolar, i didn’t want to believe that. However, looking at the symptoms of it and how it corrilated with my life, I gasphed. This is something that I’ll continue to struggle with for the rest of my life. Why couldn’t I just be normal? Have a normal mental chemistry? After 3 days of reflections and a lot of help from the staff that I worked with, there is a lot of things that I’ll be going through and dealing with when it comes to my illness(ugh, i am still hating that word) yet, strangely, i’m hopeful. There are so many things I still have left to do and I think it’s God’s Divine Grace(Ok,if you don’t believe in God, cool, Whoever higher power, that’s who i’m refering to…Me, the divine power is God) That caused me to get the help that I need and help me remenber what my purpose in this is. And I’m thankful that I didn’t get hit or worst that day.
In short, Folks, Friday, September 7th 2012 was the day that I hit the wall, which I normally bounce off. However, September 10th, 2012 was the day that I started anew. To deal with my issues(thanks to modern medicine) and to get back to what Jackie really wants in this life.
I’m not writing this because it’s a story idea or anything of that sort, it’s something that I wanted to write about when I’m sitting at work, waiting for my meds to get out my system so I can go to sleep when 7am hits;)
Don’t worry, I’ll be writing some more poems, snipplets of my stories, and possible story ideas soo but for now, this is just a simple writing, with no direction, just a purpose. To inform and to understand.
Over and Out!