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*Forever Free*

Through the browns of her eyes, she sees wonders

Month

September 2012

Oh Autumn…I’ve missed your awesomeness.

Hey Folks,

Crazy to think that this is the beginning of the autumn. With the weather starting to accomodate for the change of the season, I can’t help but to be excited. I know, sounds really cheesy but it’s something about the crisp wind, while the leaves are changing and making the scene of where i’m at, well, beautiful.* Pretty much the reason that my child will be named after a season* It’s the thought of the things that are assoicated with autumn, that give me happiness. That I can wear cute sweaters, sit under a tree at 2 in the afternoon with a cup of hot chocolate or chai tea. Though the summer has gone, it give me something to look forward to next yea, but for now, I’m loving the artwork that God has created.

The ode to Autumn

Chilled

Crisp, giving my air of new life

Hug my arms around as the trees gently sway

As the old sheds its old apperance,

I step around, gracefully

Twirling around in your showers, oh autumn

Joyous childlike, giggling, jumping to piles of crunchy leaves

I breath a heavy sigh, oh Autumn

You are with me, for the time being

Shower with me with your beauty before the colder end of your siblings comes

I look to the sky, smiling at God

Thank You, Oh Autumn, for being the season of rebirth.

I’m anticipating.

Over and Out:)

Jay

 

Unnerving need for…

Hey folks,

Today, work is extremely slow…probably because it’s a weekday and no one in the working world would want to take a vacation to a place the population is as small as a close knit family in LA. Anywhom, off my tangent…sort of. Today, while bored, my friend, Ashley and I started to snoop in my ex phone and my oh my, what did we find. Well, deleted text messages and the FB app. still up. Aha, We figured it would be even more genius to look through it and what more did i find…LIES! About everything, from the beginning of the relationship. Personally, I believed that i might have snapped a little inside, however, it was a mischeiveious little girl was reborn, seeking revenge. It’s funny since I’m the revenge type since i’m a firm believer that God will handle it. Yet, It’s rattling my insides, making me crave the mere glimpse of potental pain that was caused. Ugh, folks, it’s insane to think that i could do something so dark and twisted that I could actually get joy? I’m talking myself into believe that Karma has taken the name of the evildoer and sits paticently till there is a golden opportunity to intervene. Time, i’ve been told will tell and let everything happen or fall into place. That what the universe have the tendicy to do. Sigh…Sure i have faith in Karma however, i would like to interject some cause of pain since I wouldn’t want Karma to take all the credit.

Sure this blog is a bit sour, but I felt it was needed. Besides…what else is there to do at work, if I can’t sleep. In short ladies and germs…I will allow Karma to come in but I’ll be kicking her ass the whole way to her destination which is cause my ex to see the error of the way that were lived and the lies told!

Over and out!

Jay

Sometimes…it just lingers!

Hey folks,

Today, work couldn’t go any slower, nor could my mind go any faster then what the day has in store today. My ex apparently wants to do a spa day, to rekindle the relationship that had once died, resurrected just to be cruely murder by the hands of her insecurites and tempation. Psh. Anywhom, there was a idea that I had for my “novel”(I’m not sure what to call it yet, let’s assume that it’s a lot of words that translate into a story) that has been pondering in my head for the longest time…There are some kink kanks that come with it but I think the opening is pretty good. Since I only have about 20 mins left till I have to clock out, i’m writing it down because it’s driving me crazy that i haven’t written it yet and it still lingers.

Looking at my Cartier watch, my anxiety has awaken every never in my body. Not again. Something i’ve always struggled with, however, you already knew that. It read 6:37 pm and you were to meet me at the Louge on 8th and Market. I look outside and I see that it’s starting to rain, harder then it had been hours ago. My knee nervously bounced as I’m anticipating your arrival. I would normally play coy however,I can’t. You found me on a online blog and you like the things that I had written. Every poem, short story, casual thought, you read and commented. You sent me a e-mail, saying how you can relate to my writing and you wanted to chat with me, get to know me as a author, however, that is only one of few things on my resume of achievements. I sip my chai tea, with soy milk as I look at other areas of the lounge. I notice that there is a couple, college aged, talking about current events in the news paper. The converstation was intriging, but i didn’t want to intergect my ideas of where the education system is going in this country. I look and see that there was a women, rushing across the street, fighting off the rain that had changed direction from fall freely down straight to a diagonal downpour. She comes in, noticing the long boots that she was wearing with thick, black tights. How her calf muscule was hidding in a wrapping of finest leather, I allowed my lips to break into a smile. She shook off her umbrella and you had taken my breath away as I looked at the beauty that stood at the end entrance way. You looked around untill you looked towards my table. I must have been the woman that you were looking forward to see after months of converstation over the blog world.

“Did you wait long?” You asked

I tried not to stare at those dark, hazelnut colored eyes as they were accented with eyeliner. Giving you more of an edge then one of innocence. You wore light make-up that only accented the key points of your flawless, caramel skin.  Your hair was falling down, slowly brushing against you peacoat.

“No, not at all,” I said, pulling up a seat next to me, “Please, sit”

You smiled, notice your dimples and in that very second, I was yours. Yours for the picking, yours for the prying.

“I’m sorry, the sub didn’t come on time and I was so worried that you might have left.”

Sure, you were about an hour late for our intial meeting however, I didn’t care. Time wasn’t a priority since a lot of things that needed tobe done that day, were already completed.

“It’s fine” I smiled, noticing her ease into her seat, comfortable with who she is talking with

“For someone as prestigious as yourself, actually have time to sit down with a commoner like myself.” You joked

“No, I manage my time well,” I said, sipping on my tea, “Besides, I never had someone take a personal intest as you have”

You chuckled, “I have to admit, i’ve been following your blogs for the longest and I admire you. I’m thankful you have the time to talk to me.”

“I’m flattered,” I said, arrogance was never a good look for me, which I notice that you didn’t expect that, “I worked hard to get where I am now however, the journey hasn’t been a easy one.”

“Really?” You asked, “You don’t mind telling me, do you?”

“Unless you are planning on running my name in the mud…” I joked

“Oh, no.” You retorted, “I would never run a fellow writer down for my own gain. I just want to hear your story. What made you, you.”

Your sincerity is what made me say yes and the manner in which you said made my heart flutter and me recap back years ago, seeing the very siren that caught my attention.

 

That’s it for now folks, chime in whatever, everything is apperciated.

Over and out,

Jay

Hitting Walls, Not Boucing Off

Hey folks,

I want to first off by saying to everyone who is reading my poems, story ideas or anything else on my blog, THANK YOU! It means a lot to me just to know that there are people out there that may just like my writing and possibly apperciate it, So again THANK YOU SO SO MUCH! Please feel free to comment, critique, question or anything you may want to do when it comes to my work and I’ll answer them as soon as I can. Love having imput, it makes me become a better writer.

However folks, I do have some interesting turn of events that happened on Friday. The stress of every day life had gotten to me, in the worst way. Money wasn’t right and even if you budgeted, it felt like it still wasn’t enough. The house, or mobile home i’m living in, pratically scares me because I think it’s going to catch on fire for faulty wires. The hours at work began to get longer and longer, back to back shifts with 6 hrs in between. And my relationship was on the rocks. Well, it turns out the breaking point for me was when I went through my significate others Skype messages and saw that there was some intense converstation with another girl. I broke down, I couldn’t breath, and I don’t know if it was because of having my heart broken for the second time by the same person or the overwhelming feeling that I have completely failed at life? My mind went a mile a minute but it was running on a path driven by the emotion of sheer hopelessness. I never thought I could be that depressed that I would check out of this world. Ultimately, I walked into our busy street while one of the trucks were coming.  Life had no meaning, no purpose anymore and I couldn’t bear to continue it again. My friend got my arm and lead me back to her friends house for me to calm down. Well, it was a confortation between me, my ex, the new girl and my friend. I bolted out the door, running down the side of the interstate in which my town lies. I ran. I don’t run, but something inside me caused me to run. Speed through my tears and my heart feeling as though it was going to come out of my chest. The Lawerence township police came and talked to me, saying that one of my friends called saying that I was running in the street to hurt myself. I was too emotionally distraught that I rambled as to why was running down the side of the major highway. They ended up taking me home, where the second attempt to confront my ex and the new girl began. A screaming, adrenaline filled confrontation that I simply couldn’t believe was happening. Why was my world, that i worked so hard for was falling apart? Well, they told me that I should check into a hospital because there was some things wrong with me. Now folks, this wasn’t the first time that I would hit a wall, under pressure or stress and I can’t feel as though there is a way, I snap in very unhealthy ways. I went to the hospital, got checked and then i stayed in the mental ward for three days. Now, I didn’t think wards would be how i pictured it, the padded walls, people talking to themselves. No, it was pretty normal, minus the fact that there was a guy who was there for killing 8 women. Ick, creepy! Anywhom, I learned that I had some mental illnesses that went undiagnoised. That’s what suprised me. I’m a happy, bubbly, enthusiastic girl who sees the blue in a grey sky but they broke down what illnesses that I have(looking at that word is a bit much for me, even now) and Bipolar is one of the them. Sure, I knew I had OCD and ADD(which was another new thing…ah, now I know why my friends laugh when I get off topic so easily) but BIPOLAR???Please, I’m not Bipolar, i didn’t want to believe that. However, looking at the symptoms of it and how it corrilated with my life, I gasphed. This is something that I’ll continue to struggle with for the rest of my life. Why couldn’t I just be normal? Have a normal mental chemistry? After 3 days of reflections and a lot of help from the staff that I worked with, there is a lot of things that I’ll be going through and dealing with when it comes to my illness(ugh, i am still hating that word) yet, strangely, i’m hopeful. There are so many things I still have left to do and I think it’s God’s Divine Grace(Ok,if you don’t believe in God, cool, Whoever higher power, that’s who i’m refering to…Me, the divine power is God) That caused me to get the help that I need and help me remenber what my purpose in this is. And I’m thankful that I didn’t get hit or worst that day.

In short, Folks, Friday, September 7th 2012 was the day that I hit the wall, which I normally bounce off. However, September 10th, 2012 was the day that I started anew. To deal with my issues(thanks to modern medicine) and to get back to what Jackie really wants in this life.

I’m not writing this because it’s a story idea or anything of that sort, it’s something that I wanted to write about when I’m sitting at work, waiting for my meds to get out my system so I can go to sleep when 7am hits;)

Don’t worry, I’ll be writing some more poems, snipplets of my stories, and possible story ideas soo but for now, this is just a simple writing, with no direction, just a purpose. To inform and to understand.

Over and Out!

Jay

That kind of love

Hey folks!!!

Long day at work, jesus, never thought that there would be so many people that would could to my little town of clearfield of a football game, especial a Penn State one. After everything that went down there, you’d think that the attendance for the football game would fall short of just-plan-sad rate. Anywhom, I was thinking about my last relationship and what had happened. Infidelity is a bitch but it’s a bigger pain in the ass if you are still trying to make it work, despite of logic or the fear that it will happen again. With my mind swirling with a whole bunch of emotions, those emotions formulated in to words and well, folks, here’s the product…Now I don’t know if it’s a poem or a slam piece(Like i could be that fluid like the poets that I’ve seen that have down slam poetry). Back to the topic at hand, here’s what I produced…

That kind of love

Emotions are high

Tears are no longer able to fall freely on my cheeks

My throat is horse with rage, yet the lump takes form through kinetic energy produce at the end of this pin

It soothes me as words began to become fluid, as the ink presses to the paper

I want…Hum, I want…

I want that kind of love that my heart flutters as you walk on by

That I become an animated character, levitating and float at the very scent that you give me.

I want that kind of love that would make my nervous as I approach you,

Paying attention to every single detail of my face as you take a first glimpse .

Smoothing my clothes, wiping any extra makeup that would take attention off me.

I want that kind of love…That love…

That words would be meaningless and actions would be meaningful

That every kiss, embrace would leave me wanting more

That I’d fall asleep and wake up to the glowing smile and warming touch on my skin.

Oh, I want that love

I want the love, that I’d want to tell my girlfriends about

Be somewhat concided  as the topic of  “Where are the good men gone”, knowing that I’m coming home to one.

*Laugh* I know, horrible but baby, that’s what you want to hear

I want that love that is childlike,

Chasing me around the playground, prending that I have cooties,

Don’t want to be in contact with me

Knowing that you’ll hold my hand and kiss me on the cheek before story time.

I want that love that is beautiful as I walk a mile

For you take my hand and make me yours

That eternity is a joke, campare how long  our love is capable of going.

I want that love that will sound like honey as I say your name

That you can’t get enough of me and the love that we continue to have

I want that love that makes me hate you

Makes me want to throw things at you but pick the right back up and put them back where they belong

No…No, I wouldn’t hurt you because it would kill me to see you in pain, however, I don’t mind beating your ass a few times

You laugh, Call me silly and that makes me melt

That’s what I want…That love

The love that would allow me to act like a drooling, nerdy teenager

Leaving speechless, hyperventilating, leaving me wanting to go home and write.

The good, The Bad, The Indifferent

I want it all, if it kept me closer to you

Making you love me hard, causing to fall harder for me

*Breath heavy* I want that love

I’ll be waiting for you, waiting for you to receive it.

©Jay Williams

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