This is simply whats on my head right now, as I’m sitting at work, trying to type as fast as my thoughts allow! My significate other and i had a converstation about the progression of our relationship, which we’ve been in for about 7 months. A big step for yours truly. Never was someone who wanted to settle down, rather go with the wind, literally. It kinda aided in the fear of getting close to someone. However, this time, not so much, It’s 2012 and I figured those ideas would die. Nope, they didn’t.
While we were talking, the topic of commitment came up. Ok, that word makes me get the hibi gibies. I see that word, like “Love” thrown around so much that I’m beginning to think, like chirary, comitment is dying like the bell bottom phase. The significate other see forever, the whole settle-down-have-a-family-grow-old-in-rocking chairs. I halted.
Ok, I’m 23 years old,, I still have so much more living for me to do before i can think about myself. I wanna see the highest mountain, swim the deepest sea, dive into a culture different then my own. Settling down would mean, i have to think about someone else other than myself, inquire what their likes/ dislikes are. And I couldn’t bear doing that right now. With the kaous surround my dreams and goals, I can’t be adding someone else on top of that too. I wouild never get the “me” time that I so crave. In additon, our relationship is not how nor where I want it to be. I want it to be a equal partnership. A mature partnership, not the constant arguing regarding trust or the fact that the mindset is of an average teenager. I picture a stong man, who is supportive. That I’d walk down in a warm climate, in a wedding dress and thinking to myself, “Damn, this is it and I’m ready for it” Yet, it’s not playing out like that at all.
Whether it’s my fear of settling down, the adjective “Wanderlust” constantly plays in my mind. In both my personal life and my relationship.. I shouldn’t feel that there is someone out there, much better than what I have, however, I’m praying that it is. Since now, the time is ticking and looking around, I can’t be the one not married by 30. Yet, i laugh at the thought. While everyone is enjoying their domestication to their spouse, I’m wander aimless through the world, in search of something real and I won’t settle for the fake. Nor will I say “yes” because it’s the only thing left to do in the 7 month relationship that we have.
If it’s selfish, then I won’t say sorry for the reason being that I always think about others before myself and I’m believing that this time, in 2012, I would like to think about what Jackie wants, thinks, feels and strives for in every aspect of this ever changing life of mine.