Hey Folks,

Laying in bed, on my day off and I personally don’t want to go to sleep( It’s 1:02, so time to get up! LOL) and I figured that I should do some more writing since I feel like i’ve been not only slacking( work takes ever bit of energy) I have that overwhelming feeling to write. It’s like that overwhelming to go to the bathroom( I know, gross but hey, it’s relatable) so enclosed is a except from a novel that I’m working one.

…I’m looking at this same questionare that i’ve been looking at since middle school. It was like the program was supposed to calcuate my strengths,, subtrack my weakness and Poof! come the ideal career movement. It wasn’t the like question targeted me, it was either “strongly agree”, “Maybe”, and “strongly disagree.”Back in middle school, I remenber how many times our career exploritory teacher would constantly ask us what we wanted to be when we grew up. I personally wanted to survive middle school. Too much had happen with moving around to adapting to the constant changes that St. Augustine was gong through. When I was hitting elementary school, I would see everyone draw what they seen themselves becomng, many high class jobs like doctors or lawyers. No, i was the kid who just took crayons and drew skys and rainbows. Middle school, however, seemed that there had to have been a carreer path before enter the doors of high school.

“What do you see yourself in 15 years?”

Ok, 12+15=27. At 27 years old, I see myself…just seeing myself. I couldn’t think that far away. Hence, the amazing questionary that everyone would have to take if they had no idea what they wanted to become. Looked around at my fellow classmates, I picked out the successful ones. The ones that the questionare ended, the top five choice had substantial income if chosen. That would require years of schooling, at the presedigous schools that would later be the reason that debt would be high. I was anxious to see what it would tell me. Sure, I wasn’t in the classes that most kids were in, I was the classes that kids need the most assistance. A level above special education and a level below advance. Sure there were some skills that I was good at, not substantually but good enough. I love the preforming arts, from the art classes( which I couldn’t draw for the life of me, my stick figures did me just fine) to dance( I like to partually blame it on the fact that I was born with music in my hips) but subjects like math or science, that was teaching me dead language. I couldn’t figure out why X= 3.5 when X is just and X or why atoms can altern themselves when I can’t see them change. 

My hand rest in my palm as I looked at the same familiar questions.

Like working with your hands…Yes

Like being a group setting…Sometimes

Like being alone at work…What the hell?

I looked up for a moment and I saw her  put her books on the table. I noted chemistry and other sciences  that I had the “luxuary” of doing my sophmore year. She let out a heavy sigh as she began to type what I assume was her login infomation. She reminded me of the girls in middle school, who had the brain and the beauty all equal into one. The girls that I’d strive to become when I was growing up however, always fell short. Manly-looking kids never did get that far untill after high school, which I would have be screw all around. All I wanted to be when I was growing up was to be liked, to be smart enough that it would shock people. I’d hear in the hallways, “She did it again, I’m going to see if she would do my homework for me, after I ask her out.” Sure, that sounds so low, but apperication is what I wanted far more then deciding what I wanted to become when I was older. Setting myself apart from my classmate, have boys look at me and topple over each other just to talk to me like I seen so many do with other at my boarding school.

She looked up to meet my eyes and I didn’t realize I was starring. My mind escape for a moment and now, it started to look a little creepy. She cracked a smile and I turn the same warmth. Being a Junior in college, everything started to pick up, coming closer to senior year and I need to decided my major, fast. So there, I sat going through the questionare and hating myself for not figuring out what I wanted to become. Or figuring out myself. All I wanted, was to make a mark somewhere and going through college up till that point, I only make a drop in the lake whereas everyone was making splashes. I was the same girl from middle school, but this time, I hit puberty and be there for a few years now.

The top five choses came up and the first one, i practically shit a brick. The same occupation that had haunted me for years. Everything I did, changed my answers still gave me same career path. All I could so is whisper harshly,”Goddammit”

Clown….

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