I started going through some of my old works from my senior project and I realized that my senior project(which is a story about my revelations) is still happening. More chapters are forming with each situation that has arised. Which is interesting! The following is a sample of work that I did my senior year.

I slowly emerge myself under water that is layered with a sheet of bubbles. Scents of lavender and citrus excite my senses at once. Aromatherapy and a warm bath is what I’ve been waiting for since I got off work. Long days at work somehow end with a shower and straight to bed, which I’m accustomed to. Today is different ,however, since it is my day off. With my eyes open, I see the candle I lit flicker against the stillness of the water. Soft jazz is playing; yet sounds waves are faded against my ears.  Like starlight, everything that happened that day disappeared. The water against my skin relieves my tension and directs my mind to a place I’d escape to.  Clear, blue waters with the scent of Caribbean air fill my imagination while the skies are becoming dusk. Simple yet very exquisite. My only wish was that everyday could be like it.–That I wouldn’t have to face tomorrow that is filled with work and errands to run. Hearing the beat of my heart increase in speed and my lungs wanting air, I leave my imagination just to welcome with the calm ambiance of candles, lavender, and jazz. It felt like forever but it lasted only three minutes. Wiping the warm water off my face, I have brought myself to the reality that past evidence has given.

***

I walk out to my balcony of my apartment and noticed that the sun has gone down and the moon is shining brightly over the Pacific. After living in California for a year, I have not gotten tired of the scenery that I wake up to everyday and go to sleep with every night. I unplug my computer from the Internet connection and I sat down on my table, allowing my computer to wake up from hibernation.  The wind softly had blown through the palm trees while drying my hair. I looked at what I needed to do tomorrow and what is due for the week.

After sipping on white wine, my mind is cleared, and I’m ready to get my story underway. So many times, I would look at the blank sheet of paper, hoping that words would somehow appear onto the screen. Yet the words would just be construed to make the thought present.  Even then, that is not the objective. I place my hand on the keys and I close my eyes, allowing myself to regress and let the memory go from my head to my fingers…

Her Legs…

Her long, caramel legs…

Is the first thing that I had noticed on her, what I continue to notice on her in addition to her other attributes. This GIRL took my breath away, which was a breath that I wanted to keep. She sat only centimeters away from me. Her curly hair looked like the midnight sky, wet from a recent rain shower. She looked down at a slant that elongated her neck at her textbook: physics. Reading, studying, concentrating deeply on containing the information needed to pass her exam. I wanted her to look at me the same way, with such intellect. Allowing her to figure out the complexity of a person, solving an possible equation of compatibility. I’ve been studying her and It’s been that way for a whole semester, five months of solid concentration whenever I got the chance to see her.

Today was no different, only having my best friend sitting across the table. I have looked at this computer for twenty minutes, surfing Facebook or checking e-mail. Yet, I kept my focus on her and what she was wearing. Dressed in neutral colors, colors associated with presage, high-class, and intellect. She represented her color and she wore them well. Like a love struck pre-teen, butterflies instantly grew. What was going through my head?  Yet, my heart was confused. Why these feelings did occur, in such a manner and time that would have people look at me crazy. I stared her. I wanted her to turn so slightly that I could look into her eyes, giving me brown eyes and letting me swim in them. I look at her contours of her face, noticing her dimples. Her soft face reminded me so much of the expression of shyness that someone new to a school would have. Though, I’ve seen her in passing on campus, her power was sensual, messing with every emotion that I have. She closed her book, put in her polka dot bag and began to walk down the stairs of the library. She swayed as if there were a Latin band playing her an exit. As she turned to walk down the stairs, she looked up and caught me looking at her. I hurriedly looked away, focusing on my blank screen. I sighed. She is the first woman that caused my heart to skip a beat. The nameless wonder is my driving the desire to have her.  Since the moment I met her, the moment that I looked into her eyes, those emotions balled up like tangled yarn. Her body and her intellectual power she gave off at the table only made me want to know her more…if I could know her more. My best friend gets my attention by slamming her bag on the table, bringing me back to the world I’d escaped for a while.

“You are always daydreaming,” She told me, as she logged into her library-issued laptop

As we walked to our next class, I wanted to see her again. To catch a glimpse of her, letting me know that she is real and wasn’t just a figure of my imagination.  That has been that way since I first saw her, when my emotions got the best of me and old feeling arrived. Confusions swarmed in my head, as if I had drank too much. I wanted to lie down and let it overcome me, pass through me and then I would return to a sober state of mind but…It’s never like that.

Life tends to throw curve balls at me and I would normally knock them out of the park. Hitting the homerun, I’ll touch each base with dignity and pride that once the game is over, it’s over. Now, however, I’ve missed them and calling game on account of rain. We walk to class and my mind is within itself, trying to sort through everything that has occurred that day, in addition to what was going to happen in the next week. Frustration suddenly took a seat next to uncertainly and caused mayhem in my head. Various thoughts ran through my mind, but when I looked at her walking across the quad, it didn’t exist anymore. This wasn’t right. It couldn’t be right. Yet, it felt completely the opposite.  Though my unnamed crush was not my first, she was the first to cause my judgment to be clouded further. Sending me through the skies into another galaxy which she was the queen of and everything then was right. I didn’t want to come down, but I came crashing down when thoughts about classes or the future presented themselves.  I sat down in class, and as I stared out into the quad, tuning out what issues the communication was, I realized that my life is not simple but a complex thing that makes efforts to be simple.

When I was a child, my eyes were marveled by the beauty of everything that was surrounded me.  Every cloud has shape and every sun ray takes form, leaving you in awe. Taking it all in, she was the sun ray through the cloud. The white, fluffy clouds that cover the sun for one moment, letting the imagination run wild. Like a child, I was marveled at her beauty what seemed forever. These girls were girls that I once envied, envy turned into fascination. Comparing myself to those girls, the ones that had boys surrounding them as they came into the school building and I wanted that very same attention. Looking at my stature, however, would cause those boys to have me on their football team rather than date me. Reverting back to my nameless beauty, her power was eluding me. Drawing me close, wanting to dip into her thoughts or control her feelings. Yet, my mind wanders back to the male aspect of my existence. To have a man’s arms around me is something I longed for or desired, yet in the atmosphere that has men with young boys’ mentality, the chances were slim. Since high school, I was told that I would find my husband in college, yet there hasn’t been eligible bachelors knocking on my door, proposing the world to me. However, there have been bachelorettes coming through windows offering me half.

Conflicted feelings started to settle in my head, making a home in my sub-conscious. I can’t feel these emotions; I have to get a hold of my hormones. Yet, I was taken to her like water to an ocean. She was perfect and I wanted to have her, yet I didn’t know her. In my head, she was the one that I wanted to pursue yet there was a wall up. My wall with doubt, insecurities and uncertainties was standing before the feelings of what ifs.  As I started to get a sense of courage, I was suddenly pulled back to reality and this was no different. I looked down and saw a text from a familiar.

“What r u doin?” It read

Him…He had to be the one to bring me back to reality, adding more stress than I already had. He managed to make himself known that he played a part in my confusion, yet cutting him out would be harmful.

“In class.” I responded

“When r u done?”He sent

“4”

Send…Message sent.

Imagining what it would be like without him has been my ultimate downfall, going against the feeling of needing a man to reassure my beauty, my sex-appeal or simply my feminine being. History has been thrown in the balance, yet I’m not sure it has stood the test of my time in college.

“Oh ard”

“Why you ask?”

Send… Message sent.

Yet, the wanting of exploring the world outside of what “we” had has been my driving passion for the past few months.

“No reason. Ttys”

He doesn’t express his feelings for me, the one that has been at his side for six years. It’s black and white, never gray.

“Ttyl.”

Send…Message sent.

 

Peace and Love,

Jay

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