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*Forever Free*

Through the browns of her eyes, she sees wonders

Month

May 2012

Just thinking more…or less….

Hey folks,

I’ve haven’t had time to come online since I’ve started a new job. Yay! However, it does give me a reason to make a schedule for everyday life. At work, in the mist of bordom and training, I started to think and with that, came a piece of me that went on the little squared paper that  is used to take notes.

At times when casual conversation states, usually it just goes with the topic at hand. Lately, however, the topic today moved more towards the thoughts of my mom. Littles topics of conversation moved more towards the thoughts and memories of my late mother. Little things like beauty ideas or little antidotes she used to do made me picture her more. When I was younger, there were little things that would make me laugh like playing a rhyming game that would involve her playing with my facial features.

“Head knocka, eye-seeer, nose smeller, mouth eater, chin beaker, ear hearer.” she would say as she pinch my various spots, making me giggle.

The way her brown, curly hair looked in the 90’s fade, her eyebrows being tattooed on.

When we are younger, never would anyone think that the person they love the most could actually die at any time. They, in my eyes, were immortal. They would stay the same age and was immune to getting sick. They contained some super power that prevented them from aging. However it never goes the way a child would think it should. Even as an adult, there is still a part that holds on to those ideaologial theories or feelings.Fairy tales somehow gets lost in the years of transition and development. When the sunny skies outside of a child’s window are preseved as beautiful, adults mentality makes the cruelity of the world prevelant; making them grey. Th carefree, fearless gets trampled by the hooves of the real. The coldness in the world wraps it’s arms around the warmth one would feel. Cruelty being its carriage and reality being its driver,the contrast of my childhood world only gets muddled in comparison of is really going outside of my childhoods window However, there are points of my day do I get to see through my childhoods window and I see my healthy mother the very that I seen her.Her hood mentality oozing from her and hearing her voice that sounded like trumpets in a band. Her hearty laughter makes my heart enter a world nirvana and my smile breaks through a once emotionless face.

Just came in head and I had to put it down on paper!

Peace and Love

Jay

Going Off!

So, like every relationship, there is a rough path…well, i would like to know when will my rough patch actually lead to smooth fields? It’s obvious that I’m a little mad, however, it triggered my story idea. Crazy right?!

There we sat, across the new cherry wood table. Our gazes hasn’t been broken. The boiling anger filled my stomach, making it difficult for me to digest any type of dinner I had made. I came home only hours ago and I heard a vibration on the coffee table in our foure. You left your phone once again. I picked up and I pressed the “on” button. There was 3 text messages unread and a picture message. Your job requires you to have your phone on you at all times, however, I’m hoping it was your future appointments that you had made. Press Unlocked. I scrolled into your inbox. Christina. Who is Christina?

Message one: It was nice seeing you last night. Dinner was amazing.


I thought that you had to work late. Paperwork, you had told me.

“They have to keep all the accountants late. With the new program that in place, I have to stay later”

“Ok”

As  you walked out, I silently whispered “Happy Anniversary”

Message Two: Baby, I need you, please come through tonight. When she’s sleeping.


3 months, the birth of our daughter. Her chubby face and her sweet smile is what made you so happy to be a dad. I would catch you sneaking out of bed into her room.

“I guess, I need to practice my shooting”

“What for?”

“Just in case any knuckleheads try to break her heart”

I laugh, not realzing that my laughter was based on a lie.

Message Three: I love you

Love is a funny thing, don’t you think? Trust is practically married to the word. You divorced the two, replacing it with lies. Your own selfish needs, desires always came first. I looked on my ring finger, slowly rotating the 2.5 carot ring you gave me, to symbolize what forever will be with you. Clean, beautiful and that the love you have for me will shone through. I sit back in my seat, breathing heavily.

“I told you, I was at work. Why do I have to lie”

“You tell me, haven’t I given everything for you?

You sucked your teeth, as if my question triggered some aggravation.

“Please, don’t start. I had a long day. All I want to do is enjoy this dinner with my wife and go to bed”

You start playing with your herb-encrusted chicken, mixing it with the mashed potatoes that I had worked 3 hours on. I saw you lean in and had the folk meet your mouth. I seen the signs before. I thought that once I said, “I do”, i would never have to worry about my insecurities. That when I took that vow to always be yours, you would always be mine. My, how, the times changed. You finished your plate, sipping the merlot wine to clean your palet. I broke out in a crocked smile as you started to graph for air. You violently coughed, trying to speak however, the poison is a fast acting one. A loud thud followed as you fell on the floor. You looked up in you last moments of life into mine, looking for sympathy. I chuckled.Your body became limp, life erased off your face and as I walked by, allowing your soul to take a picture of my red Jimmy Choos as they past by; i turned the light off in the dining room, making sure that the plan is set in motion.

“I guess you don’t know everything about a person after you marry them.”


I’m standing at a crossroad

Quiet as once the world was

My heart is beating

Feeling are aching

Lost

No compass

Columbus, Cabot, Ferandez, voyaging to a new world

Exploring the unknown

How can the unknown have so many options?

Panic

Uncertainty

Left or Right

No Middle

Life,

Decisions

Outcome detrimental

Feeling the pressure

Where’s the diamond that comes from this over amount?

The path is multidirectional

I can’t seem to decided

Where am I

What place will be better

Can’t someone decided for me?

Peace and Love,

Jay<3

A step back may be the the very thing to push me forward!

I started going through some of my old works from my senior project and I realized that my senior project(which is a story about my revelations) is still happening. More chapters are forming with each situation that has arised. Which is interesting! The following is a sample of work that I did my senior year.

I slowly emerge myself under water that is layered with a sheet of bubbles. Scents of lavender and citrus excite my senses at once. Aromatherapy and a warm bath is what I’ve been waiting for since I got off work. Long days at work somehow end with a shower and straight to bed, which I’m accustomed to. Today is different ,however, since it is my day off. With my eyes open, I see the candle I lit flicker against the stillness of the water. Soft jazz is playing; yet sounds waves are faded against my ears.  Like starlight, everything that happened that day disappeared. The water against my skin relieves my tension and directs my mind to a place I’d escape to.  Clear, blue waters with the scent of Caribbean air fill my imagination while the skies are becoming dusk. Simple yet very exquisite. My only wish was that everyday could be like it.–That I wouldn’t have to face tomorrow that is filled with work and errands to run. Hearing the beat of my heart increase in speed and my lungs wanting air, I leave my imagination just to welcome with the calm ambiance of candles, lavender, and jazz. It felt like forever but it lasted only three minutes. Wiping the warm water off my face, I have brought myself to the reality that past evidence has given.

***

I walk out to my balcony of my apartment and noticed that the sun has gone down and the moon is shining brightly over the Pacific. After living in California for a year, I have not gotten tired of the scenery that I wake up to everyday and go to sleep with every night. I unplug my computer from the Internet connection and I sat down on my table, allowing my computer to wake up from hibernation.  The wind softly had blown through the palm trees while drying my hair. I looked at what I needed to do tomorrow and what is due for the week.

After sipping on white wine, my mind is cleared, and I’m ready to get my story underway. So many times, I would look at the blank sheet of paper, hoping that words would somehow appear onto the screen. Yet the words would just be construed to make the thought present.  Even then, that is not the objective. I place my hand on the keys and I close my eyes, allowing myself to regress and let the memory go from my head to my fingers…

Her Legs…

Her long, caramel legs…

Is the first thing that I had noticed on her, what I continue to notice on her in addition to her other attributes. This GIRL took my breath away, which was a breath that I wanted to keep. She sat only centimeters away from me. Her curly hair looked like the midnight sky, wet from a recent rain shower. She looked down at a slant that elongated her neck at her textbook: physics. Reading, studying, concentrating deeply on containing the information needed to pass her exam. I wanted her to look at me the same way, with such intellect. Allowing her to figure out the complexity of a person, solving an possible equation of compatibility. I’ve been studying her and It’s been that way for a whole semester, five months of solid concentration whenever I got the chance to see her.

Today was no different, only having my best friend sitting across the table. I have looked at this computer for twenty minutes, surfing Facebook or checking e-mail. Yet, I kept my focus on her and what she was wearing. Dressed in neutral colors, colors associated with presage, high-class, and intellect. She represented her color and she wore them well. Like a love struck pre-teen, butterflies instantly grew. What was going through my head?  Yet, my heart was confused. Why these feelings did occur, in such a manner and time that would have people look at me crazy. I stared her. I wanted her to turn so slightly that I could look into her eyes, giving me brown eyes and letting me swim in them. I look at her contours of her face, noticing her dimples. Her soft face reminded me so much of the expression of shyness that someone new to a school would have. Though, I’ve seen her in passing on campus, her power was sensual, messing with every emotion that I have. She closed her book, put in her polka dot bag and began to walk down the stairs of the library. She swayed as if there were a Latin band playing her an exit. As she turned to walk down the stairs, she looked up and caught me looking at her. I hurriedly looked away, focusing on my blank screen. I sighed. She is the first woman that caused my heart to skip a beat. The nameless wonder is my driving the desire to have her.  Since the moment I met her, the moment that I looked into her eyes, those emotions balled up like tangled yarn. Her body and her intellectual power she gave off at the table only made me want to know her more…if I could know her more. My best friend gets my attention by slamming her bag on the table, bringing me back to the world I’d escaped for a while.

“You are always daydreaming,” She told me, as she logged into her library-issued laptop

As we walked to our next class, I wanted to see her again. To catch a glimpse of her, letting me know that she is real and wasn’t just a figure of my imagination.  That has been that way since I first saw her, when my emotions got the best of me and old feeling arrived. Confusions swarmed in my head, as if I had drank too much. I wanted to lie down and let it overcome me, pass through me and then I would return to a sober state of mind but…It’s never like that.

Life tends to throw curve balls at me and I would normally knock them out of the park. Hitting the homerun, I’ll touch each base with dignity and pride that once the game is over, it’s over. Now, however, I’ve missed them and calling game on account of rain. We walk to class and my mind is within itself, trying to sort through everything that has occurred that day, in addition to what was going to happen in the next week. Frustration suddenly took a seat next to uncertainly and caused mayhem in my head. Various thoughts ran through my mind, but when I looked at her walking across the quad, it didn’t exist anymore. This wasn’t right. It couldn’t be right. Yet, it felt completely the opposite.  Though my unnamed crush was not my first, she was the first to cause my judgment to be clouded further. Sending me through the skies into another galaxy which she was the queen of and everything then was right. I didn’t want to come down, but I came crashing down when thoughts about classes or the future presented themselves.  I sat down in class, and as I stared out into the quad, tuning out what issues the communication was, I realized that my life is not simple but a complex thing that makes efforts to be simple.

When I was a child, my eyes were marveled by the beauty of everything that was surrounded me.  Every cloud has shape and every sun ray takes form, leaving you in awe. Taking it all in, she was the sun ray through the cloud. The white, fluffy clouds that cover the sun for one moment, letting the imagination run wild. Like a child, I was marveled at her beauty what seemed forever. These girls were girls that I once envied, envy turned into fascination. Comparing myself to those girls, the ones that had boys surrounding them as they came into the school building and I wanted that very same attention. Looking at my stature, however, would cause those boys to have me on their football team rather than date me. Reverting back to my nameless beauty, her power was eluding me. Drawing me close, wanting to dip into her thoughts or control her feelings. Yet, my mind wanders back to the male aspect of my existence. To have a man’s arms around me is something I longed for or desired, yet in the atmosphere that has men with young boys’ mentality, the chances were slim. Since high school, I was told that I would find my husband in college, yet there hasn’t been eligible bachelors knocking on my door, proposing the world to me. However, there have been bachelorettes coming through windows offering me half.

Conflicted feelings started to settle in my head, making a home in my sub-conscious. I can’t feel these emotions; I have to get a hold of my hormones. Yet, I was taken to her like water to an ocean. She was perfect and I wanted to have her, yet I didn’t know her. In my head, she was the one that I wanted to pursue yet there was a wall up. My wall with doubt, insecurities and uncertainties was standing before the feelings of what ifs.  As I started to get a sense of courage, I was suddenly pulled back to reality and this was no different. I looked down and saw a text from a familiar.

“What r u doin?” It read

Him…He had to be the one to bring me back to reality, adding more stress than I already had. He managed to make himself known that he played a part in my confusion, yet cutting him out would be harmful.

“In class.” I responded

“When r u done?”He sent

“4”

Send…Message sent.

Imagining what it would be like without him has been my ultimate downfall, going against the feeling of needing a man to reassure my beauty, my sex-appeal or simply my feminine being. History has been thrown in the balance, yet I’m not sure it has stood the test of my time in college.

“Oh ard”

“Why you ask?”

Send… Message sent.

Yet, the wanting of exploring the world outside of what “we” had has been my driving passion for the past few months.

“No reason. Ttys”

He doesn’t express his feelings for me, the one that has been at his side for six years. It’s black and white, never gray.

“Ttyl.”

Send…Message sent.

 

Peace and Love,

Jay

To Be…or..Simply Cover Up Everything JUST to Be…

So, yesterday, my friends and I went to CVS. Had to go buy some odds and ends and see if they had anything to spark my interest. Sadly, I didn’t need anything,however, it was fun playing with my friend with a hand fill of lubricant. Just running around the store, just made me feel like a child with NO parental watchful eyes. Being at CVS made my creative juices start to flow…I wasn’t like Harriet the Spy, having a nifty pen and pad handy just to jot down some of my thoughts. I just stood in an aisle(just so happen to the cosmetic aisle) and bam, words came across my mind and story started to form(I’m sure my creative writing teacher would have been so proud). In short, here’s what my creators in my head came up with(he he)…

Starring at these familiar face of people can only sink me into a deeper hole. I’m sure none of them ever have to worry about real life things such as fitting into a size 12 jeans or a shirt that won’t perseved me as a some type of street-walker. I scanned the isle at familiar blushes, eye-liners,foundations,concelers that were created to hide a woman facial flaws. If your eyes are circular, add a detailed line using our eyeliner. It’ll give your eyes a dramatic look while giving you eyes that define look that men simply drool over. PSH! Revlon, L’Oreal, Cover Girl,lined the moniker in the isle, and there I stood, staring at Beyoncé flawless face. Oh, How I hated her! Her smile, perfectly straight-lined whites, smiled back at my sadden face. I could hear her air laughter as her smile formed and the photographer captured that moment. What I wouldn’t kill for a photographer to create those moments, making me laugh and taking that laugher and put in Ad for Maybelline.

I started to look for the foundation that would go against my skin. I’m a ray of different shades of brown, some from years of battling ache, scars from childhood chickenpots and then the underline brown which is the complection that my egg-donor had given. I wonder if she ever had this problem, trying to find shades that would look like she didn’t any beauty issues. There I came across a chart, three questions to determine what color would best suit me. Is your wrist either one of these three choices? Are you warm or cool? What color best describe you? Didn’t think I needed to be asked survey questions just to get a color. Figuring that I wasn’t warm, cool. Yeah, cool was the only options. Why would the lighter complection be consider “warm” while the darker complection be consider “cool”?

“You ready to go yet?”

“Uh, No, I gotta get one thing’

“Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car”

Smile. Just go, let me have a hidden battle with regards to beauty. She’s an army of thousands and i’m only an army of one. Who was I kidding? I don’t think a brand would be able to cover my scars. Beauty, that aspect of my life was never born? More like miscarried. Tried every aspect from going to Kim Lee Nail Salon on 3rd and South or to Mrs. LaVene house of hair to endure 2 hours of chemicals, braids, sewn-in weaves to say that “I got good hair”. Yet, nothing availed. My head got to ichy, hair would grow faster like wild weeds, nails would break after handling house chores. It’s exausting. High maintance was, still, not in my vocab. What’s the point?  You would rather talk to, get to know someone who’s “real” when everything is “fake”.

Beyonce, how did you do it? Does Jay-Z see you without your makeup? Your weaves? Does he turn over in the morning, while you still look like to you just got done a photoshoot, though it was 3 days ago?

I picked up liquid foundation, #21, cocoa. Hum. Placed against my skin, am I too light or too dark? Fustrated sigh, I mean, what extra day of having my flaws on my face shouldn’t kill me. I’ve done it for 23 years, minus the years when puberty didn’t hit me like a sack of pennies.

“Can I help you?”

“Uh, does this color look like me?”

Your face isn’t very reassuring while to place #21 down and pick up a shade lighter. You aren’t a cosmetic expect, are you? You are going to have me walk out with a light brown foundation and to add more salt to injury, pastel pink shadow? I thank you and as you walk away, I place these unreasonable back to where they are. You might have won this battle, blasted cometic aisle but I have something better. I get your attention once more, but instead of being decreet, I bring attention to not only Almay, Clinique, Max Factor but to any other brands i’d be in war with everytime I got to a CVS, Rite Aid, or Walgreen…

“Where would I find Trojans?”

Mid-Day Thoughts…Evening Ideas

Hello bloggers!

Today was on for the books, i must admit. Clearfield county is a county in which people minds are small and their sense of equality is even smaller. No, i’m not referring to color, it the discrimination against economy status. Ugh! However, In the mist of all the craziness that Monday normally  has to offer; a lot of thing started to stir my mind up. So ladies,gentleman and others, welcome to my mind;)

The sun shone through the kitchen window. My hands are emerged in the sudsy water as I stare out, noting that the lawn needs to be mowed.  The wariness of the water couldn’t amount to the coldness I felt inside. I placed the freshly washed  dish drainer when I heard footsteps.

“WDAS FM, Playing nothing but the hits from the 90’s and today”

Putting the dishes that were used from the night before dinner, spaghetti and caked on green beans were lining the Paula Dean pots I had gotten on sale.

“Nat King Cole, Rob Thicke, we are playing all the hits. Johnny Gill next”

You come behind me, kissing me on my cheek. I face to turn to you and your smile radiates the whole room. I look into your forest green eyes and I am running, running through a field where your love embraces me.

Johnny Gill coons through my radio, while you pull me close. You start to sway against the syncopated harmony and the sultry sounds of the 80’s/ mid-90’s heart-throb.

“Thank You”

“For?”

“Everything”

“Yep.”

You lay a sweet kiss on my lips and I smile as the delegate touch upon me. You continue to slowly dance with me, against the song as if it’s a preview of the future that you picture. Worry cross my face at the time where their should be a joyest time. Forever is a long time,my love…things change. Look at me and tell me that you have the ability to stop time from forever changing. I sunk into your arms, nestled in you shoulder and inhaled your sweet scent. Breathing is the only thing that I’m sure I can do, but keeping this from you is something I’m unsure about.

The song slowly fades away and my thoughts goes with them. The water is lukewarm, three more dishes…distractions are really good leeway to escape from the inevitable.

Peace and Love

Jay

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